Blog Archives
State of the Union Address = WTF
Or, “Winning The Future”.
For the everyman, this is a real-time account of President Obama’s State of the Union Address. This goes according to the ABC Sawyer/Stephonouourihsfsous airing. Just in case he “speaks too well, and is too well spoken.”
Everyone sat together. There were no partisan seats, just race mixing. For one night only, everyone was friends. Best Friends.
@9:00 This entrance is missing a robe & boxing gloves.
@9:15 ABC has got to get their graphics in front of the right people. That’s not a man.
@ 9:21 Does Joe Biden look like he just came back from partying? Is his tie not crooked?
@ 9:21″Don’t worry if China has more math people than anyone else and (naturally) the world’s fastest computer, we’re still #1. Those same kids come to our colleges. And Chinatown.”
@ 9:21 “We need to out educate everyone. Especially China.”
@ 9:22 What is Biden looking at? Who is he sending forehead wrinkle signals to?
@9:24 Could Rubio look more disinterested? Could he pretend he’s happy this is not in Spanish?
@ 9:26 Sen. Thune (North Dakota) looks like a piece of wood. In his defense, a tan piece of wood.
@ 9:28 
@BarackObama We will move forward together, or not at all—for the challenges we face are bigger than party and bigger than politics. #SOTU
@ 9:29 The winner of the science fair gets his ass kicked by the winner of the Superbowl. I’m afraid we can’t have both.
@9:34 Boehner is gonna blend in with the seat. Perhaps he thought if he tanned enough he could just close his eyes and get away with sleeping.
@9:36 This woman couldn’t wait to say “that’s me”
@9:37 These small businesses are gonna make a killing from all this free advertising
@9:38 “The fastest way to move information is by using Facebook.”
@9:38 “The Koreans, Russian & Chinese are outpacing us. Oh sh*t.”
@9:39 Ray LaHood does not look happy about that stab. He prob wishes he answered that text from Barack earlier.
@ 9:30 “You can video chat, but only if both you guys have Macs.”
@9:44 I’m sorry Biden, is there somewhere else you’d rather be?
@9:45 ” If you have an improvement or addition to the heath care plan, voice it & we’ll work on it right now. Otherwise, stfu.”
@9:53 Boehner was not happy about that “tax the millionaires” comment. He’ll demonstrate his fury by changing colors. Activate, brown leather seat skin:
@9:56 “I’m vetoing all bullsh*t.”
@9:58 Cut to the Black army woman, NOW!
@9:59 If they didn’t stand, they didn’t believe that.
@10:03 2 nappers in the last 2 minutes. One’s sitting next to McCain!
@10:04 Hah! McCain gave him up on Twitter! Udall!
@10:10 Biden fist pumped! I knew he’d come through
@10:10 Boehner wept because he swept the bar…then danced on it
@10:11 I’m surprised it took Boehner an hour to cry
@10:12 That’s Big sh*t poppin, & lil sh*t stoppin’
And give it up for Michelle, who looked stunning, as usual:
Many ciritics said his speech was “boring” & “tepid”. I didn’t get any of that. It just wasn’t a Prince concert. But maybe that’s what everything looks like coming down off of a cocaine-induced high.
A summation:
-Jobs? Check.
-Security? Check.
-Clean Air & Energy?
-Health Insurance? Check.
-Battling Chinese? Check.
All in all, I’d say this was a slam dunk for the Pres.
Wap.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Underaged Girls Vol. 2.0
I bet you this guy:
Is wiping his brow this week because this fart face,
took most of last week’s political scandal shine.
In yet another blow to the GOP, allow me to introduce Utah’s Republican Senator & House Majority leader Kevin Garn.
His sexual escapades were all but nearly swept under the rug…until I came across it and dragged it back out into the light of day.
Overshadowed by Eric Massa’s inescapably odd sex inappropriate touching of male staffers decades younger than him, the Utah politician managed to scoot by the weekend pretty cleanly.
Garn’s actions were so deplorable, he couldn’t even wait until the weekend’s end to resign, so he just gave up and did it on Saturday.
What were the charges you say? Well let’s take a looksie:
- He fessed up to hot tubbing it up (about 30 years ago) with a naked underage girl who was only 15, (not just kinda underage in some states, like 17 year olds are)
-Garn then paid the teen hush money so she’d keep quiet about their tryst and not cause interfere with his marriage.
-The woman, Cheryl Maher is now 40 and says that the hottub thing happened on more than one occasion during the time she used to babysit for his kids.
That’s like Danny Tanner
getting horizontal with
Kimmy Gibbler.
or like Bob Saget…
….being Bob Saget
Maher says she started contacting various media outlets about it only last week because he stopped paying her she wanted some closure to the whole thing.
Cheryl also says she wrote a letter to the Church of Later Day Saint’s in ’08 detailing their illegal nighttime encounters. The Church investigated and later excommunicated Maher. This woman also claims that Kevin’s wife, Tanya even came with him one time to make a payoff to Maher of $150,000. Cheryl states that Kevin touched her, but won’t elaborate any more on what specifically happened.
Is this what Mormons do in their free time?
But as bizzare as this whole thing is, it takes an even weirder turn. Kevin was Cheryl’s Sunday School teacher. When she was in 4th grade.
How does this man not scream sex offender??
Safe from a skit in this week’s Saturday Night Live, One can only hope this makes it’s way there next week… and certainly onto Colbert & Stewart.
Not for nothing, (whatever that damn phrase means) Kevin Garn need not fret, for he has a true friend in the matter.
One who’s walked the tight rope of accused child molestation and public scrutiny.
One who’s bared the burden of joke after joke, whether it be in live or cartoon form.
One who’s admitted discussed his accusations in one way or another several times over the years.
One who’s pulled themselves up out of the dust and is seemingly living a life of (relative) normalcy and is back to selling like he used to.
Kevin Garn’s next question should be:
What Would R. Kelly Do?
Love,
*Ms. Officer
“I’m Not Gay, Ask My Wife”
Famous last words from yet another New York politician who is making this state look even more asinine in the eyes of…well, everywhere else.
Eric Massa, you didn’t think I was gonna let you off the hook DID U??
All week I couldn’t wait to sink my teeth into this story. It deserves to be ridden to the bare bones (all puns intended).
In case you are a complete f*cking idiot & are totally unaware of your surroundings, allow me to provide you with a brief rundown of the scenario:
Eric Massa has strong nose hairs.
Signal 1: owns an apartment in NYC where 5 grown ass men live on top of each other with clothes strewn all over the place
Signal 2: molested stuck his c**k in groped a male staffer
—He also seems to think that groped has another definition other than sexually. Which leads me to believe we have NY state congressman who has no idea what the word grope means.
Signal 3: Stepping down and not running for re-election without good reason…or any reason for that matter
Signal 4: Nancy Pelosi knew about this weird ass sh*t as early as October and was paid not to say anything about it didn’t say anything about it until he announced he wasn’t seeking another term on March 3rd.
Signal 5: Mentioning his time at sea w// 10,000 ship men, at least 5,000 of which I’m sure he’s entered.
Signal 6: Going on Larry King Live & responding to the question “Are You Gay?” with “Ask my wife” and other un-slick quips instead of simply stating “no’. And can we talk about how insane he managed to appear on Glenn Beck?? Even more so than the f*cking host himself?
“Not only did I grope a guy, but I tickled him til he couldn’t breathe. Then 4 other guys jumped on top it was my 50th birthday—”
STOP RIGHT THERE.
What kind of 50th birthday is this??
If that is not uncontrollably homosexual, then I don’t know what is.
And where exactly did this “tickling and *ick grabbing groping incident take place?? Did he happen to be in the male showers at the YMCA when this was occurring? Did 4 guys happen to be waiting in each corner of the office anticipating the moment when Massa would re-enter with his newest sexual harassment victim?
All in all, this guy’s a complete *sshole. I mean, its just unbelievable that he could be such a douche about the whole thing. There’s nothing wrong with him being gay, but just be gay. Sorry to break it to “Mrs. Massa”, she is just a beard.
Massa is going to be the butt of all jokes for a while to come (pun, again intended)…then again, he’s into that.
What a toolbox.
Love,
*Ms. Offcer
This Guy’s An Idiot
Remember this guy?
No?
How about now?
or now?
Definitely now.
This bald headed fool is none other than Joe the Plumber. He was the tool scapegoat tool who was used by both McCain & Obama during the ’08 Presidential election as “America’s everyman”– the average worker.
Joe Wurzlebacher rose to fame became the butt of many a joke inadvertently– as plumber who randomly happened to be standing in a crowd, who happened to ask our now POTUS what he was going to do about small business tax policies:
After that, he got close with daughter Meagan:
and became BFF’s with McCain,
Joe The Plumber would tour around the country promoting Bush/Cheney in drag McCain/Palin in hopes this party would win the election come the fall.
We all know the Cinderella story ended up:
Yet now Joe is singing a different song.
In an interview he did with Pennsylvania radio public radio correspondent Scott Detrow, The Plumber whined about the former presidential candidate ruining his life. Damn near 2 years later he’s finally come to the realization that he just happened to be a tangible face middle America could identify with during the elections.
Wurtzelbacher also had some other revelations; he stated that John McCain was not a public servant out for the best interest of the people he represents and no longer backs Sarah Palin, not because of this:
Not because of this:
Not because Matt Damon said so:
Not even because of this:
I wonder what finally gave it away?
Whatever the case may be, I’m glad he finally came to his senses.
Perhaps he’d finally learned to follow his instinct:
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Yikes
I am from NYC.
If you are aware of some part of NYC politics, you’d know that last month, the current mayor, Michael Bloomberg decided he kinda liked the job. Since he decided that 2 terms just wasn’t enough, he’s chosen to completely disrespect the rules that were put in place and run for a 3rd term. Except there’s one thing. YOU CAN’T DO THAT.
Until yesterday.
In a vote of 29-22, and an alleged 7 hour ‘deliberation’, The City Council was bribed completely disregarded structure that was set up in order to prevent a dictatorship from occurring within this city. 26 votes were needed to pass this thing, so what I’m tryna figure out is what was going on in the minds of the um, necessary 26 plus the extra credit 3 people who actually thought this was a good idea. *(Must be McCan’t supporters).* Don’t get it twisted. Not only can the mayor run for an extra term, but so can any other member of City Council. This new bill lengthens the time spent in office from 2 4-year terms to 3 4-year terms.
You do realize that not even the President can be in office for 12 years @ a time, right?
& does that Quinn medicine woman really think that this gives voters a choice? It actually takes it away. “Oh, we can allow the voter which official can serve for the next two decades.” Fantastic.
said the Billionaire Mayor, “I know what’s best for the city in the middle of this economic abyss, even though I’m probably part of the reason why we’re in this mess in the 1st place”. With a response like this from Bloomberg there’s no way the 7 hrs. that they were in the courtroom were spent on deliberating.
I feel like they were used on other, more useful activities, like:
or this:
Maybe even this…
But is anyone really clammering for Mayor Bloomberg to stay in office?
U remember this?
You ain’t neeeeeeeeever seen his ass on the 2. Like this muthaf*cka really rides the train. Really Billionaire Bloomberg? Really?
But still don’t nothin’ move but the money.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Showdown ’08: John McCan’t
Any chance I get to use this pic I’m going to take full advantage of it
Last night was the Showdown between Presidential candidates Barack Obama (yay!) & John McCan’t (booooooo)
Can someone please tell this Maverick John McCan’t that he should stop trying to tell jokes during debate time?
& Why is it that every point Barack made, McCan’t lead off with “Obama doesn’t understand?” this sounds like hes trying to use Barack’s words against him:
‘Barack doesn’t understand, or doesn’t get it’
(By the way that’s the way I felt every time McCan’t opened his mouth last night)
No homo.
Let’s Duel!
Barack: +50
Now listen to Mr. Obama speak so eloquently and sensibly on the economy & energy (which is part of the reason the economy is in shambles)
& This financial mess
En Garde!
& Then McCan’t turns around & curses @ Obama???
Did you hear him say ‘Horseshit’?! Twice? Please help.
Daggers Up
Barack Wins.
Let’s make sure he wins the election too.
Barack The Vote!
Love,
*Ms. Officer
