Blog Archives
Hilarity Pt. 40- Iranian Ass Grab
American male athletes love each other’s asses. They demonstrate just how much in every major U.S. sport:
Doesn’t look like A-Rod is falling from the precipice of anything, but it does seem he prefers to be firmly entranced guided by Derek Jeter’s butt.
In Rodriguez’s defense, IT IS A SUPERBLY HYPNOTIZING ASS.
Sheffield may or may not agree.
We all know Shaq is into this:
…Then there’s the NFL…
implementing the “grab and plow”.
Yet all of this somehow pales in comparison to an Iranian soccer team’s celebration of a win:
@ :14 #6′s hand almost fully disappears into #13′s ass. #13, realizing the foreign object, sweeps his teammate’s hand away.
This replays in every kind of “mo” (pun intended) throughout the remainder of the video.
Perspolis players Mohammad Norsati and Sheys Rezaei have not only been fined $40,000, but suspended from the league.
That’s exactly what an on-feild colonoscopy gets you.
And nighttime visits from Kobe.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Chris Brown Did NOT Give The Best MJ Tribute
Yea, I said it.
Perhaps the most talked about/tweeted about moment of the 10th annual BET Awards happened right here:
Though this was the best performance of the night,
Don’t get caught up in C. Brown’s tears. This was not nearly the best MJ tribute ever.
This was.
Did all you [insert 5-letter adjective here]s forget Janet’s demolition at the 2009 VMA’s??
Don’t get me wrong. I am not a Chris Brown “hater” nor am I taking anything away from him. Should he remain imprisoned for the rest of his life? No. I mean, did he cry like that for Rihanna? But Breezy indeed, did rip it.
BUT
Nothing (short of Michael himself) compares to Janet taking the stage with the dancers hand-picked by Michael to appear with him on stage during the “This Is It Tour”. Janet got to dance with her brother again. Every move sharp. Every turn on point coincided perfectly with the “Scream” video (which, happened to be the most expensive music vid ever made– costing over $7mil.)
The performances elicited 2 different responses:
Janet: Goosebumps & tears. Yet again I wept like a baby when Ms. Jackson performed that. You would’ve thought I was at least a third cousin, twice removed.
Chris Brown: Jaw drop. Is this [insert 5-letter adjective here] cryin’ on stage like that? He just gave up. Right there. And let it all out.
For what it’s worth, it was a very emotional moment. Do I condone men weeping for no reason? Nope. Leave that to us women. In this circumstance, it was kind of understood.
Just because he cried does not make it the best Michael Jackson tribute ever.
Any strong display of emotion tends to grip an otherwise skeptical audience, and causes 1 of 2 reactions:
1. Attraction: Appealing to sheer humane emotion, a stronger bond is established between audience and subject:
2. Repulsion: Gets the subject further away from Intent. Usually met by said audience with laughter instead.
In this case, there was a little bit of both. In fact, he just might have saved his career a-la-R.Kelly.
But that’s another post for another time.
Sorry.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Like this:
Where The Hell Did Time Go Wednesdays: Guy- Groove Me
It’s about that time again folks, for you to mellow out & reminicse.
This time, Guy will take you there:
Groove Me was the song.
I used to belt it at the top of my lungs not nearly knowing what I was talking about at that age.
Boooy did R. Kelly swagger jack the hell out of Aaron Hall.
Still classic.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Top 5 Pervs You Wouldn’t Want To Get Into In An Elevator With
No matter if you’re a guy or a girl.
Yesterday, Pro Football Hall Of Famer & Ex Giant Lawrence Taylor earned himself a new set of stats:
-Arrested.
- Charged with 3rd degree rape & of a 16 year old girl (the charge also carries patronizing a prostitute as an offense).
-A pimp (allegedly) put the two in contact.
-There is a refusal by Taylor’s camp to admit whether or not he knew how old this girl was.
-Admitted to paying for the sex. $300, to be exact.
-Was at a Holiday Inn in Ramapo, NY where the attack took place.
- Is 51 & actually lives in Pembroke Pines, FL with his wife & kids.
-He has a bald-headed attorney named Arthur Aidala who is entirely too animated.
-Says he was in that area of NY on business.
[Insert 5-letter adjective here] what kind of business you got in Ramapo. NY??
Who ever even heard of Ramapo, NY before today?
In the wake of this whole Lawrence Taylor -hall-of-famer-turned-weird-hazy-night-in-hotel-with-16-year-old-mess, I decided he shouldn’t be alone in this category.
There are many more pervs that no one wants to be bothered with at this…or any point. Without further ado:
Presenting
The Top 5 Pervs We Wouldn’t Want To Get Into An Elevator With:
5. 
Lawrence Taylor. Damn [Insert 5-letter adjective here]. Another decorated sports Black man bites the dust. What is is about money & fame that makes one twist their morals inside out, and completely loose their perception of what’s right & wrong? allowed?
4. Pee Wee Herman
A whole bunch of sh*t that doesn’t go together is the montage for his show? That’s supposed to symbolize whats going on in his head?? If this isn’t an indicator of a creepster, I don’t know what is.
Oh yeah
Did Pee Wee not have that lil’ snafu in a movie theatre in the 1991? And in 2002? Besides, he chose a pseudonym that are both references for urine.
3. This guy:
http://msofficer.com/2010/03/14/underaged-girls-vol-2-0/
2. 
George Rekers. The anti-gay (Christian) activist that rents barely legal boys from…where else? Rentboy.com
(I swear can’t make this sh*t up)
Rekers was seen with the 20-year-old gay escort, Lucien, leaving Miami International Airport 2 weeks ago. When prompted about what the two could possibly have to do with each other, Rekers simply replied that he “was trying to spread a message of love to Lucien”.
Yes. A message of horizontal love.
1. R. Kelly
The mere virtue of the fact that he calls himself “the Pied Piper of R&B” (or R&Pee as I affectionately like to call him) should set off an alarm.
The Pied Piper was a children’s tale of a man who played the flute throughout the town…to attract children. The Pied Piper of Hamlin eventually led the crowd of kids to their death.
All looks the same to me.
Well…
Think of it this way. Chingy had to come back at some point.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
New Vid: Beyonce- Why Don’t You Love Me
Long ago I declared that from here on out, Beyonce Knowles would be no longer known as such, but as The Beyonce.
Just for the sheer fact that she’s well…
her.
This is a great song.
But
If it wasn’t obvious before:
It’s glaringly evident now.
This {Insert 5-letter adjective here} is nuts. And everyone seems to think it’s ok. Cool, even. To the point that multiple personalities crazy becomes cool.
She opened “Ring the Alarm” with a dead body on the floor. I don’t have to explain Telephone at all.
All of The Beyonce’s videos are very much her. Even if they do (by some off chance) involve other people, you are never allowed to forget the main focus: The Beyonce.
I mean, I get the whole ’60′s theme. I get it. And what is with the smoking? You’d look like
Never mind everything else about the video.
Look. This is just a forewarning. Once you start seeing The Beyonce acting like this:
Much like
and The Case of The Underage Girls & The Pee Tape To Prove It,
there were signs all along. So when The Beyonce snaps…
…Can’t say I didn’t tell you so.
Told ya so
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Underaged Girls Vol. 2.0
I bet you this guy:
Is wiping his brow this week because this fart face,
took most of last week’s political scandal shine.
In yet another blow to the GOP, allow me to introduce Utah’s Republican Senator & House Majority leader Kevin Garn.
His sexual escapades were all but nearly swept under the rug…until I came across it and dragged it back out into the light of day.
Overshadowed by Eric Massa’s inescapably odd sex inappropriate touching of male staffers decades younger than him, the Utah politician managed to scoot by the weekend pretty cleanly.
Garn’s actions were so deplorable, he couldn’t even wait until the weekend’s end to resign, so he just gave up and did it on Saturday.
What were the charges you say? Well let’s take a looksie:
- He fessed up to hot tubbing it up (about 30 years ago) with a naked underage girl who was only 15, (not just kinda underage in some states, like 17 year olds are)
-Garn then paid the teen hush money so she’d keep quiet about their tryst and not cause interfere with his marriage.
-The woman, Cheryl Maher is now 40 and says that the hottub thing happened on more than one occasion during the time she used to babysit for his kids.
That’s like Danny Tanner
getting horizontal with
Kimmy Gibbler.
or like Bob Saget…
….being Bob Saget
Maher says she started contacting various media outlets about it only last week because he stopped paying her she wanted some closure to the whole thing.
Cheryl also says she wrote a letter to the Church of Later Day Saint’s in ’08 detailing their illegal nighttime encounters. The Church investigated and later excommunicated Maher. This woman also claims that Kevin’s wife, Tanya even came with him one time to make a payoff to Maher of $150,000. Cheryl states that Kevin touched her, but won’t elaborate any more on what specifically happened.
Is this what Mormons do in their free time?
But as bizzare as this whole thing is, it takes an even weirder turn. Kevin was Cheryl’s Sunday School teacher. When she was in 4th grade.
How does this man not scream sex offender??
Safe from a skit in this week’s Saturday Night Live, One can only hope this makes it’s way there next week… and certainly onto Colbert & Stewart.
Not for nothing, (whatever that damn phrase means) Kevin Garn need not fret, for he has a true friend in the matter.
One who’s walked the tight rope of accused child molestation and public scrutiny.
One who’s bared the burden of joke after joke, whether it be in live or cartoon form.
One who’s admitted discussed his accusations in one way or another several times over the years.
One who’s pulled themselves up out of the dust and is seemingly living a life of (relative) normalcy and is back to selling like he used to.
Kevin Garn’s next question should be:
What Would R. Kelly Do?
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Beyonce & Justin Are Single Ladies
I decided to stay home on Sat. night, cuz I was just too tired to do anything. It was one of those nights, you know? Rainy, dreary, cold…yada, yada, yada. Coulda been a real good night, eeeeexcept ain’t nobody rockin like that right now.
So I flipped on Saturday Night Live and was pleasantly surprised @ this weeks guests, Paul Rudd, Beyonce, & Justin Timberlake
and chiiiiillllllleeeeee
I love the fact that it’s been even more publicly acknowledged (especially by Beyonce herself) that there is a man dressed as one of her “Single Ladies” , back-up dancing in the Single Ladies video.
lmao & y were Justin, Andy Samberg, & Bobby Moyinhan gettin’ it like that? I was in tears @ the shoes.
Truly a genius skit, & if I have my way, I’d like Timberlake as a comedian. He’s actually pretty funny.
Oh what the hay:
I really want this song on my iPod. It’s actually good. A mix of Age Ain’t Nothin But A Number & Your Body’s Callin’. Classic.
Next week’s guests include Ludacris & T-Pain.
…You know how I feel about Luda…
Yea.
Love,
Ms. Officer
Showdown ’08: Your New Cellmate- Political Turncoats
Just in time for my 50th post, here comes a scandal straight out of the Republican party & the “Great State o’ Alaska”.
Alaskan Senator Ted Stevens, who could say he babysat for John McCan’t (he’s 84), and Don Imus’ ghost 
was convicted earlier today on 7 charges of corruption, stemming from his indictment this summer. He’s even still got the nerve to be in the running for the seat hes held for the last 40 Years- the same amount of time it took Andy Stitzer to lose his virginity!
His old ass was convicted of all the felony charges that he faced about getting home renovations and other ‘Cash Money Millionaire Sarah Palin shopping spree’ sort of gifts from lucrative oil company, VECO corp.
How Is Sarah Palin ‘not aware’ of this?
Apparently Ted used to live in a little ass mountain cabin way up in the snow, until VECO came along and made him an offer that he couldn’t refuse- including an additional story onto his house with a wraparound porch, a wine cellar and a sauna. What the hell does his raisin ass need w/ a sauna?
But here’s the best part– Stevens, who is the Senate’s longest serving Republican (hell, he’s President pro tempore emeritus) pulled an R. Kelly talkin’ bout he ain’t know he was gettin’ free sh*t. He said he’d given the company $160,000 and thought he paid for all the work that was done.
Um, I’m sorry, but there’s no way in hell that $55 and a pack of Nicorette can take you from this:
to this:
and u don’t know what’s going on (or not giving up any–ayooooo)
Of course this man wanted a speedy trial so he can continue on Alaska’s campaign trail, and why not? Since it is not illegal to have a convicted felon barred from Congress.
Wtf.
That’s right, you read it correctly the 1st time: A Convicted Felon Does Not Have To Drop Out Of The Race Or Resign From Senate. (However, if 2/3 of the senate has an epiphany, they can vote said convicted felon out).
Steven’s boy, Bill Allen who he went fishing and drinking with gave his ass up when he snitched that Steven’s knew he was getting a sweet deal.
And here’s where the good ol’ white privilege comes in:
Ted Stevens faces up to 5 years per count in prison but under federal guidelines will most likely serve little is any time @ all.
What f*ckin federal guideline is this? The one where you can embezzle money from large corporations for personal gainand not get punished?
‘
Oh yeah, it’s that one.
‘They shoulda neva gave u n*ggas MONEY!’
Love,
Ms. Officer
Update! I’m Just R.O.B
Update! Wow, Funkmaster Flex agrees w/ me–check the last 30 secs of this clip…..oh Kellz…so disgusting….
‘I’m Just R.O.B. Funnyman.’
If you watched the monstrosity that was R. Kelly’s interview w/ Touré (by no fault of his, R. Kelly’s totally) you’d know that is one of the most talkinest-in-circles negroes ever.
Touré : ‘So do u like teenage girls’
R.O.B.: ‘What you mean teenage’
Touré : ‘Like underage girls’
R.O.B: ‘Define girls.’
& That is how the entire thing went.
There’s way too much going on on his jacket.
R.O.B: ‘You can’t be found guilty after you been found innocent’
Touré: ‘Ok’
R.O.B.: ‘Just guilty of being innocent’
I bet you Kells walked away from that interview thinkin he said some pretty profound shit.
Touré: ‘So…this won’t happen again. Is that what you’re saying?’
‘R.O.B.: ‘This interview will never happen again’
Oh. So R. Kelly did not pinkie swear that he won’t be caught up in some underage girl again. Just that he won’t be with anyone illegal meaning immigrants or that giving any more of these interviews.
Well, @ least he cut his hair.
The Pied Piper of R & Pee
Will be on BET Tonight talkin bout how he narrowly widely escaped the jaws of the law & slithered onto/into someone else in his 1st post- trial interview since he was found not guilty on 14 counts of child pornography. May I remind you that decsision came exactly 3 years to the day 
Ghostman himself got off (haha no pun intended). But it’ll be interesting to see what it is R. Kelly has to say about the accusations, threats & malarky that ensued during those years that he evaded going to court.
In my very own hypothesis I believe this man took a series of well calculated steps that brought him to the vindication of all these charges. I even wrote an op-ed piece on it, which I got a pretty good grade on. Allow me to share it with you (the abridged version, of course):
5 Steps To Being a Guilty R. Kelly But A Not Convicted R. Kelly
1. R. Kelly stuck with the formula that made him a star. His first official song he released after the whole scandal surfaced was 2003’s Ignition. This whole trial/rapist thing clearly hadn’t deterred him from talking about sex. There is a fine line between genius and insanity & he is tap dancing all over it. Kells was talking about putting his key in some girls ‘ignition’. Yet another reference and comparison of women to cars involving sex. Not to mention the wildly successful Dave Chappelle parody that accompanied it:
And what was with the mask he was running around with? The song went to number 2 on the Billboard US Hot 100 & R&B charts, fans were anticipating (and bootlegging) album, Chocolate Factory. This grabbed his entire audience. +1.
2. Step In The Name Of Love was for the older folk, or the “Grown and Sexy” as he referred to them (easily one of the most overused phrases). Kelly took that good ol’ Chicago steppin’ phenomenon nationwide, and now all of a sudden the whole county thought they were from Illinois. Not only did it become the dance instructional, it was the song that ended every party.
“Step, Step/Side To Side/ Left, Right/ Dip Now/Separate/Bring It Back/ Lemme See You Do/ The Love Slide”. I definitely hopped up every time I heard it and did as he instructed. R. Kelly won the approval of his elders. +2.
3. Kells teamed up with what was the biggest boy band on earth, the now defunct B2K and Nickelodeon mainstay Nick Cannon. R. Kelly played it safe. As many tweens & teenage girls did, I too loved them. He produced their explosive songs Bump, Bump, Bump and Girlfriend.
and
Feelin’ Freaky featured Nick Cannon and gripped the most lucrative and profitable group of people one could ask for, screaming teenage girls. We bought all that crap and loved it. How could he go wrong with these cute little boys? (Hahah)
Can I Ball? Please?
The very group he harmed was the same that embraced him all over again. This was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Damn! Kells foiled me! +5
4. 3 years out from originally being charged, he released Happy People/U Saved Me. You can never go wrong praising the good Lord. U Saved Me became one of my favorite songs at the time. Happy People gave us more of that Chi-town stepping music we were strung out for. What is R. Kelly doing in the Gospel section? He’s winning with the Gospel community and again with the grown and sexy old folks.
5. These skits called Trapped In The Closet Parts 1-12 originally released in 2005 had to have been some of the stupidest shit I’d seen in a while. The story kept finding ways to become increasingly obnoxious, including a wife’s tryst with a gay cop. Somehow a midget with a feather boa makes his way into the equation. Another R. Kelly production is successful, even if it looks like it was shot with my digital camera for community access TV.
How does he sing ‘Oh Shit’
It didn’t hurt that his albums TP 3: Reloaded and his Double Up were wildly successful.
But I think this easily sums it all up. I feel like this actually happened in the courtroom:
With all of this history built up, it is hard to indict R. Kelly. His celebrity allowed him to flirt with the justice system. Hell, I’m even guilty of checking to see if he was coming to a city near me for a chance to nab tickets. I don’t want to like his music because there is no question that what he’s done is wrong. But he has managed to trick myself and the rest of the public with his hypnotic melodies and talent.
Damn.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Hahah
Poking around the internet, I ran into the ‘Hi Hater Remix’ Video from Maino.
The summertime anthem w/ 1,000 remixes combined ‘em all into one compact feature.
The song features T.I., Plies, Fabolous, Swizz Beats & Jadakiss, along w/ a slew of cameos, including Mya?
Now I do really love Mya as an artist, but what does she have to do w/ the song?
& Pardon me, but Swizz’s part looks like:
& Will T.I. ever go to jail? He’s treading close to the way this guy 
. Gotta love the Sisqo 
circa ‘Year of the Dragon’ inspired hair. I’m starting to feel like the whole jail sentence thing is a sham.
‘Please Don’t Leave Me I Need You Hater’
lol.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
