Public Farts

Are defined as “everywhere you’re subject to other people in close proximity & confined spaces.”

Trains

Checkout lines

Banks

Here

Fact of the matter is, we’re all subject to it once we leave our houses.

and it is Randy.

This may seem like no big deal, but in those 30-45 seconds when your breathing air gets rudely interrupted, can feel like a putrid eternity.

Such was the scene of this morning’s crime.

The D train was where remnants of someone’s last (unpleasant) meal were released into my nostrils.

I narrow my eyes. The odor invades my nose. Someone nearby has farted. Perhaps not loudly, but it smells deafening.

It was a lot less crowded than usual, but there is a simple formula anyone can use anywhere:

Fart Probability= Sq. Ft. x # Of People + What They Ate – Ventilation

As the # of people increases, so does your Fart Probability.

There’s nothing worse than when this moment intersects with an open mouth.

Many times the gas is intrusive, obnoxious. Often times I am able to readily identify the offender, simply by sending an angry glare:

to the old Chinese woman with 6 bags of fish

to the White businessman figuring out which way to read the Times

to the fat Black dude

to the child

thereby putting the adage “whoever smelt it, dealt it” to rest.

Today, I’ve had enough.

What kind of person are you to fart in a place with no escape?

What sanctions are appropriate for this offense?

Love,

*Ms. Officer