Category Archives: Your New Cellmate
Stalking? Really?
Yea. Not exactly the picture of a person that comes to mind when you think of stalking.
The Hookmaster, as I’ve dubbed him years ago, had some felony stalking charges on his ass (no ‘mo), stemming from his ex-wife
So allegedly she’s claimed that he followed her down I-405 in California….
but u know what? I just can’t see it.
The Hookmaster? Getting caught up like that?
I mean just look @ the repertoire…
…and come on…
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Regulate??? U mean the man who sang the hook to this prolific ass song is into stakling people?! Say it aint so!
Buuuuut he was also charged for attacking an ex-girlfriends new boyfriend 2 years ago….
…on the other hand…
Love,
*Ms. Officer
To Sentence or Not To Sentence T.I.
To Sentence.
It seemed for a while there that T.I. wasn’t even really gonna go to jail & that the whole thing turned out to be a really bad episode of Magnum P.I.
But alas, he’s on his way to a federal court room to be sentenced to a year in prison on weapons charges for purchasing an entire arsenal of silencers and machine guns.
He’s also being fined $100,000. Which, to him, in real people money translates to:
In the time since we all forgot that T.I. was even going to jail @ all, he’s fulfilled his mandated 1000 hours of community service by visiting students @ 58 schools, 12 Boys & Girls Clubs, 9 Churches, and other various non-profit organizations.
@ least we know he luh da kids.
Don’t worry you know I’ll keep you posted like the block!
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Coolio Does Crack
Crack.
Everything has their own fads, but for some reason this one won’t go out of style. Take for instance exhibit #1:
I’m certain that you’ve all formed your own opinions on Coolio by now;
-The ridiculous ‘braided up’ hair that we think he’s too old to have
-The fact that he punches a hole in the top of every hat he owns to accomodate said hair
-Coolio knows how to cook? What was that show all about?
Well if you did not have the sense to question anything about him, let me formulate your own opinion for you:
You should’ve already heard that a couple of weeks ago, he got caught trying to scurry through a Los Angeles Airport when the authorites found a pile of crack along w/ a pipe in his luggage.
Lmao WHAT?!
(No, that white girl was not in his suitcase a-la-Young Jeezy)
Coolio, or Artis Leon Ivey (the name that was origionally given to him) was charged with not only felony possesion of crack cocaine, but battery too.
Apparently he thought it was a good idea to grab up the arm of one of the officers.
And somehow ‘Fantastic Voyage’ has a whole new meaning.
Ironcally, this post is directly after what I’d written on the changes to the Rockerfeller Drug Laws.
No Coolio, I will not come along and ride on it.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Chris Brown In Court
hmmph.
Yesterday afternoon Chris Brown appeared in court, surrounded by a barrage of cameras. We also first heard the direct words from the police affidavit– and the descripton of the events is just appalling:
Via CNN:
“Brown was driving a vehicle with Robyn F. as the front passenger on an unknown street in Los Angeles. Robyn F. picked up Brown’s cellular phone and observed a three-page text message from a woman who Brown had a previous sexual relationship with.
“A verbal argument ensued and Brown pulled the vehicle over on an unknown street, reached over Robyn F. with his right hand, opened the car door and attempted to force her out. Brown was unable to force Robyn F. out of the vehicle because she was wearing a seat belt. When he could not force her to exit, he took his right hand and shoved her head against he passenger window of the vehicle, causing an approximate one-inch raised circular contusion.
“Robyn F. turned to face Brown and he punched her in the left eye with his right hand. He then drove away in the vehicle and continued to punch her in the face with his right hand while steering the vehicle with his left hand. The assault caused Robyn F.’s mouth to fill with blood and blood to splatter all over her clothing and the interior of the vehicle.
“Brown looked at Robyn F. and stated, ‘I’m going to beat the s–t out of you when we get home! You wait and see!’ “
The detective said “Robyn F.” then used her cell phone to call her personal assistant Jennifer Rosales, who did not answer.
“Robyn F. pretended to talk to her and stated, ‘I’m on my way home. Make sure the police are there when I get there.’
“After Robyn F. faked the call, Brown looked at her and stated, ‘You just did the stupidest thing ever! Now I’m really going to kill you!’
“Brown resumed punching Robyn F. and she interlocked her fingers behind her head and brought her elbows forward to protect her face. She then bent over at the waist, placing her elbows and face near her lap in [an] attempt to protect her face and head from the barrage of punches being levied upon her by Brown.
“Brown continued to punch Robyn F. on her left arm and hand, causing her to suffer a contusion on her left triceps (sic) that was approximately two inches in diameter and numerous contusions on her left hand.
“Robyn F. then attempted to send a text message to her other personal assistant, Melissa Ford. Brown snatched the cellular telephone out of her hand and threw it out of the window onto an unknown street.
“Brown continued driving and Robyn F. observed his cellular telephone sitting in his lap. She picked up the cellular telephone with her left hand and before she could make a call he placed her in a head lock with his right hand and continued to drive the vehicle with his left hand.
“Brown pulled Robyn F. close to him and bit her on her left ear. She was able to feel the vehicle swerving from right to left as Brown sped away. He stopped the vehicle in front of 333 North June Street and Robyn F. turned off the car, removed the key from the ignition and sat on it.
“Brown did not know what she did with the key and began punching her in the face and arms. He then placed her in a head lock positioning the front of her throat between his bicep and forearm. Brown began applying pressure to Robyn F.’s left and right carotid arteries, causing her to be unable to breathe and she began to lose consciousness.
“She reached up with her left hand and began attempting to gouge his eyes in an attempt to free herself. Brown bit her left ring and middle fingers and then released her. While Brown continued to punch her, she turned around and placed her back against the passenger door. She brought her knees to her chest, placed her feet against Brown’s body and began pushing him away. Brown continued to punch her on the legs and feet, causing several contusions.
“Robyn F. began screaming for help and Brown exited the vehicle and walked away. A resident in the neighborhood heard Robyn F.’s plea for help and called 911, causing a police response. An investigation was conducted and Robyn F. was issued a Domestic Violence Emergency Protective Order.”
At the end of his statement, Andrews said Brown sent a text message nine days later apologizing.
“In the text message, Brown apologized for what he had done to Robyn F. and advised [Rihanna's assistant] Ford that he was going to get help.”
Oh
My
F*cking
Goodness.
The worst part is that they are also reporting that the horrifying picture of Rihanna that appeared on TMZ’s website 2 weeks ago was not the worst of them– pics taked just a day after Chris’ attack were much worse.
Brown was charged with felony assault & making criminal threats, yet none of this was not enough to stop him from being allowed to contact Rihanna.
Wtf
Apparently, Fenty asked for her lawyer to motion that he can be in touch with her, @ her request.
Chris can still see Rihanna with permission granted by the Judge Kristi Lousteau, but she showed her strong arm of the law by making CB promise “not to annoy, harass, molest, threaten or use force or violence against anyone”.
Yeah. Telling that to a guy who can do this:
That’s showin him Judge.
Chris Brown’s arraignment has been postponed until April 6th, where his sentence could range anywhere from probation to a little over 4 years in prison.
Something tells me that this
is not going to experience life from the inside of a Riker’s Isle cell.
I thought that was appropriate.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Woman Barters Kids for A Bird
Yep people, just when you think folks can’t get any stranger, here comes the next n****. You read right, a woman gave away a pair of her kids in exchange for a bird. A cockatoo, if that makes you feel any better.
Now, I don’t like no screaming kids just as much as you do:
Ain’t nooooobody tryna hear to that. But damn. Even I find that to be in bad taste.
Apparently Paul & Brandy Romero of Louisiana advertised that they wanted to sell their bird for $1,500. A response from Donna Greenwell came in, saying she’d be willing to take the cockatoo off of their hands, but because she was strapped for cash, she’d give them the 2 kids instead. Greenwell origionally put it out there that she’d sell the children for $2,000 cuz she was strapped for cash while caring for 3 kids.
But here’s the best part.
The 2 kids she was trying to sell ain’t even hers!
Turns out Greenwell had the 4 and 5 year old in her care while the biological parents were going through a divorce.
So the Romeros and Greenwell put their heads together (pause) and came up with a solution that would satiate both sides of this backwards equation:
Donna bartered the children to Paul & Brandy, and recieved the cockatoo and $175 for her trouble.
Wtf?
Each one of their asses were arressted and charged with aggravated kidnapping. While the 3 little ones were placed in foster care.
I mean why would you do that?
@ least be on the come-up from the deal- but $175 & a bird? She basically got:
a colt 45
and
a pigeon in return for two people.
Disgusting.
I just can’t.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
I Pleads the FizziF
I mean
This guy, Stewart Parnell, owner of
Buuuuuuuuuuut he definitely recieved numerous e-mails show plant workers telling, even exclaiming to Parnell that the peanut products were poisoned, to which he just ignored…take a look (Courtesy of The Los Angeles Times):
“This lot is presumptive SALMONELLA!!!!” wrote plant worker Mary Wilkerson last June 6 to company officials. That same day, Stewart Parnell, owner and president of Peanut Corp. of America, replied, “thanks Mary, I go thru this about once a week…I will hold my breath………again…”
This muthaf*cka truly done lost his mind.
But wait. There’s more.
Plant manager Sammy Lightsey also reffered to Charles Deibel, President of Deibel labratories (the plant where Peanut Corps’ products are tested) in an e-mail to the president:
Lightsey referred to Deibel in a Sept. 29, 2008, e-mail released by the subcommittee: “We received Final Lab results from Deibel this morning and we have a Positive for Salmonella.” He went on to say, in part, that two of Peanut Corp.’s clients “need to be called and the product placed on HOLD until this can be cleared.”
On Oct. 6, 2008, Parnell replied: “We need to discuss this….the time lapses, besides the cost is costing us huge $$$$$ and causing obviously a huge lapse in the time from the time we pick up peanuts until the time we can invoice…”
Meanwhile over 600 people were affected and this as*hole is tryna save a couple of bucks by not recalling obviously poisonous peanut butter that different people keep telling him is poisonous.
So Stewart Parnell gets up and says “Mr. Chairman and members of the commitee, on advice of my counsel, I respectively decline to answer your questions based on the protections afforded to me under the Constitution”
he kept on getting up and saying it, so much that the Congress got sick of him & dismissed his ass.
This translates to:
Stewart Parnell should have to eat an entire vat of Peanut Butter from his own plant as his punishment.
Oh yeah, Rep. Greg Walden already asked him if he’d be wiilling to eat peanut products from his own plant.
Disgusting.
The good news is, however, that the Feds raided Peanut Corps’. Lynchburg, VA. headquarters and closed down another contaminated plant in Texas.
One, Two Three, Fo, FiF
Yikes.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Yikes: Blagojevich
..And ya don’t stop…cuz u can’t stop…
Political corruption that is.
The latest scandal to unfold comes by way of Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich and his Chief of Staff, John Harris. The Feds caught up with their rusty asses and tapped the governor’s office and home phones. Those two were trying to sell President-elect Barack Obama’s former Senate seat to the highest bidder. So that means this guy
coulda came to Rod Blagojevich w/ the most ends to ‘Make It Rain’ all up and down this Senate seat, and he woulda been in control. This is no Marion Barry, yet all too sloppy.
But it doesn’t end there. There’s more.
Not only is he guilty of using is sole authority over this seat for personal financial gain,when paired back up with his trusty sidekick the dynamic duo they treatened to “withold state assistance” to the Tribune Company. Those are the folks who own
and
Wait, there’s more.
In exchange for the money, the twosome threatened the Chicago Tribune to fire any editorial board members who were critical of Blagojevich, a.k.a., and editorial board members who “didn’t like him” and who were”probably telling the truth”. His real words were that he saw the Tribune as “the driving force behind his possible impeachment”.
There’s still more.
They also were lookin for campaign contributions in exchange for “official actions”.
The problem is, it is still a question of if Rod will still be allowed to appoint Barack’s successor.
WHY is this STILL a QUESTION
The Feds have been on Harris’ & Blagojevich’s tails for years.
This man willingly surrendered to the wiretap, then talked about the illegal activities he was gonna take part in.
There’s FBI’s 76-page affidavit detailing the wire taps that shows that he was trying to get up in the stacks of non-profit organizations, and trying to put his wife @ the head of corporate boards so she could make some money too.
When asked about the affidavit Blagojevich’s response was quote: “I want to make money”.
Ring the Alarm.
Well, @ least The Chicago Tribune stood up to the bully and wrote:
“Resign or be impeached”.
Truer words have yet to be spoken.
Until now since
has no lips and looks very much like
maybe they can trade mugshots.
Welcome you’re new cellmate!
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Dang N*gga
If u ain’t know, Bird is the word. Dat n*gga Orenthal James got sentenced today to 15 years in prison for kidnapping & committing an armed robbery @ a Las Vegas hotel last year.
As the ringleader of a crew of 4 other men, all armed, they barged into the room to “confront friends and retrieve his things” (his words, not mine. I couldn’t make this up). The “things” in question were peices of sports memerobilia that dealers Bruce Fromong and Al Beardsley had in their possession.
Well Judge Jackie Glass spared no expense when telling O.J. how she really felt about him, stating that “Earlier in this case, at a bail hearing, I said to Mr. Simpson I didn’t know if he was arrogant, ignorant or both. During the trial and through this proceeding I got the answer, and it was both.”
Yikes.
O.J. claimed he went to the room “not wanting to steal anything from anybody” but went to recover a “wedding ring for his daughter & some family photos for his son”.
By far my favorite part was when he said and I quote:
“I didn’t know I was doing anything illegal” and “I’m somewhat confused”.
Really O.J.? For real?
Let Judge Glass put it in perspective for you…
She said that Simpson’s words in court weren’t as powerful as his angry words, as caught on tape, during the confrontation.
“Everything in this case was on tape, the evidence in this case was overwhelming.”
Glass continued, “You went to the room. You took guns. You used force. You took property, and in this state, that amounts to robbery with the use of a deadly weapon.”
More Yikes.
As ironic as this whole thing is, the star of the most famous infamous case of the ’90′s, and arguably a strong contender for scandal of the century managed to get convicted of the 2007 crime on October 3rd, exactly 13 years to the day that he was acquitted of that trial.
(Coulda done without the crotch close-up)
White people are currently rejoicing. They been waitin to see his ass get pinched since ’95.
He did apologize though, and his 61-year-old tail is eligible for parole in 9 years.
No need for all those stupid O.J. puns- he finally got ‘juiced’, he doesn’t have the ‘juice’ he got squeezed, and that sh*t can go on and on. What you need to know is that his ass is gonna be behind bars.
He is gonna be thirstyyyyyyy
Barack Obama,= + Infinity
O.J. Simpson= – 100,000.
Sigh,
Love,
Ms. Officer
Showdown ’08: Your New Cellmate- Political Turncoats
Just in time for my 50th post, here comes a scandal straight out of the Republican party & the “Great State o’ Alaska”.
Alaskan Senator Ted Stevens, who could say he babysat for John McCan’t (he’s 84), and Don Imus’ ghost 
was convicted earlier today on 7 charges of corruption, stemming from his indictment this summer. He’s even still got the nerve to be in the running for the seat hes held for the last 40 Years- the same amount of time it took Andy Stitzer to lose his virginity!
His old ass was convicted of all the felony charges that he faced about getting home renovations and other ‘Cash Money Millionaire Sarah Palin shopping spree’ sort of gifts from lucrative oil company, VECO corp.
How Is Sarah Palin ‘not aware’ of this?
Apparently Ted used to live in a little ass mountain cabin way up in the snow, until VECO came along and made him an offer that he couldn’t refuse- including an additional story onto his house with a wraparound porch, a wine cellar and a sauna. What the hell does his raisin ass need w/ a sauna?
But here’s the best part– Stevens, who is the Senate’s longest serving Republican (hell, he’s President pro tempore emeritus) pulled an R. Kelly talkin’ bout he ain’t know he was gettin’ free sh*t. He said he’d given the company $160,000 and thought he paid for all the work that was done.
Um, I’m sorry, but there’s no way in hell that $55 and a pack of Nicorette can take you from this:
to this:
and u don’t know what’s going on (or not giving up any–ayooooo)
Of course this man wanted a speedy trial so he can continue on Alaska’s campaign trail, and why not? Since it is not illegal to have a convicted felon barred from Congress.
Wtf.
That’s right, you read it correctly the 1st time: A Convicted Felon Does Not Have To Drop Out Of The Race Or Resign From Senate. (However, if 2/3 of the senate has an epiphany, they can vote said convicted felon out).
Steven’s boy, Bill Allen who he went fishing and drinking with gave his ass up when he snitched that Steven’s knew he was getting a sweet deal.
And here’s where the good ol’ white privilege comes in:
Ted Stevens faces up to 5 years per count in prison but under federal guidelines will most likely serve little is any time @ all.
What f*ckin federal guideline is this? The one where you can embezzle money from large corporations for personal gainand not get punished?
‘
Oh yeah, it’s that one.
‘They shoulda neva gave u n*ggas MONEY!’
Love,
Ms. Officer
