Category Archives: Your New Cellmate
Where The Hell Did Time Go Wednesdays- DMX
To commemorate the latest use of X’s “Get Out of Jail Free Card”:
Yes, this really is the censored version.
Easily one of X’s best. Songs. EVAR. If you mange not to be distracted by the frilly pants on Dru Hill’s lead singer, or his gratuitous use of dragons, you too, may come to this conclusion.
My high school friends would never let me forget this was the period where I used to “like” Sisqo. I would very much like to.
This came from a time where all music videos seemed to be shot in Harlem, which, somehow, is already 10 years ago.
Funny, because 10 is also the number of kids Earl Simmons has. Naturally we’ll learn more about this in an (alleged) upcoming DMX reality show. Should be interesting.
ONLY IF THEY PROMISE JA RULE CAN PARTICIPATE TOO.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Why “The View” Is F**ked, Reason #786 (The Bill O’Reilly Edition)
Bill O’ Reilly was on “The View” this morning. This is what happened.
What a mess.
No doubt the Mosque issue is a sensitive one.
Bill O’Reilly is a frozen head from 1760 polarizing figure. You have to watch him to know what he’s saying, but not for too long, you’ll lose brain matter. No matter the topic, he will find a way to dredge up the brimstone in you. Unless, of course, you’re Dipset.
The View is composed of a bunch of cackling b***hes.
Like oil and water, or like whatever two elements you mix together to go “BOOM!”, it should have already been known
by the talent booker
by the producers
by the doorman
by O’ Reilly’s nose hairs
that this was going to get out of hand.
Whoopi was out of pocket during Mel KKK Gibsongate, and now this. Even though O’Reilly is a sh*tty, sh*tty person– it was still an interview. Her and the older Ginger shouldn’t have walked out. The audience seemed confused too– they cheered @ 1:36, then again when Thelma & Louise Ginger & Dread walked off of the stage. You can’t agree with both. This only tells me that the audience is comprised of exactly what I thought it was: squirrel monkeys.
Whatever.
The bigger issue here is why Whoopi looks pregnant.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Ring The Alarm: Bishop Eddie Long Accuser Jamal Parris Speaks Out, Finally
Good Grief.
At first I didn’t want to touch this, but
after watching this video:
1st: Don’t trust any Negro outside of 1988 with a Jheri Curl.
2nd: Don’t trust any Negro donned in UnderArmour who doesn’t actually f*ckin play football.
3rd: Don’t trust any grown Negro who takes pictures of himself in a bathroom (I hope those are his flip-flops)
4th: Does this remind anyone (else) of Lil’ Wayne & Baby?
5th: Don’t trust any Negro whose last name is Long & accused of sexually abusing 4 (& possibly more) teen boys & “pulls out” of a Tom Joyner interview that could’ve possibly helped him.
Yikes.
I really do hope this whole thing isn’t true. But damn.
Where’s Chris Hansen when you need him?
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Lil’ Wayne Sends SI ANOTHER Open Letter
Last week, Lil’ Wayne penned an open letter to Sports Illustrated on his picks for the U.S. Open.
This clearly perturbs… everyone. Say no more, I’ve managed to get my hands on a draft copy of what Weezy really meant to say:
N****az watch tennis too.
Obviously, I wrote this entire thing on a ruler, since the Valium does not allow me to pay attention to what I’m doing for very long. I don’t know why they’d let something like a ruler in a prison. Thank God I’m alone. Anyway, I wanted to let SI know that I’m a big fan of all the famous tennis players, even the ones who aren’t even really playing anymore. Any bog name you’ve got, I’m a fan of. Especially Nadal! I had the smartest member of Young Money, Drake, Google all his stats, and then read them to me over the phone. Happy to report, I did not get phone checked. It was at his suggestion that I use the phrase “pulled out”.
With that said, I <3 Nadal.
Oops, I went this whole letter without mentioning the William’s sisters. Whoop, there it is.
P.S.: I could not spell check this letter. Let a n*gga slide.
P.P.S.: Enclosed is a self portrait taken a while back. Please feel free to republish.
Truthfully Yours,
Lil’ Weezy, aka Weezy F. Baby
Love,
*Ms. Officer
What Mel Gibson Needs:
He’s Racist.
He’s Anti-Semitic.
He’s Sexist.
He’s Mel Gibson.
And he’s in the middle of a nasty custody battle with his babymamma, Oksana Grigorieva, over their 8 month old daughter, Lucia. In case you’ve been too busy snorting coke, last week we heard he was rumored to have lit into her with a string of obscenities, fit for a cronie of Glenn Beck.
Here’s the newest tape, released today:
Here’s the tape released over the weekend:
Obviously this man savage has a couple of issues. What do you think this wildebeest needs in order to mellow out & join hands with the love train?
(Could somebody put some lotion on this n****’s knuckles?)
1. Hang Out With Dipset
No trip to Harlem is complete without eating at Sylvia’s, visiting The Apollo Theater, attending the Schomburg, and of course, hangin’ with the Dips.
See? Even Cam & Jimmy can hold hands so Juelz can jump rope.
Perhaps listening to a Hell Rell album could help Gibson’s understanding of the Black experience? Perhaps cutting an album would help channel some of that frustration lunacy?
2. Get A Lap Dance
Nothing says “I respect women” more than patronizing all the lovely services they have to offer. Gibson should pick his favorite (equal opportunity) topless bar and enjoy the ride.
Besides, you have to support anyone who “uses what they got to get what they want”.
3. Penny Pinch
Perhaps one of the Jewiest qualities around, Gibson better not squander his close-to-billion dollar fortune. He’s going to need every cent for the libel to defend him from the backlash these comments (and other) allegations will cause. The Blacks The Jews went after him before, and will see to it that Gibson (literally) pays.
Ari Emmanuel didn’t like this use of the n-word very much, and finally dropped Mel from the William Morris Agency. Didn’t Emmanuel refuse Wesley Snipes a script because he said “Blacks don’t swim”? They don’t though, right?
4. Get Racially Profiled
Nothing says “we think [Insert 5-letter adjective here] don’t have nice things” “Negro” more than a routine traffic stop of a Black man in a nice semi-decent barely functioning car.
5. Enroll in Scared Straight Program
Well, I think that says all that needs to be said.
Being Mel Gibson is hard. As a blue-eyed white male, no one truly understands his struggle. The pressures of being an A list Hollywood actor, minimal financial woes (and by minimal I mean not having change for $10,000) how could we not see the world from his perspective? Shame on…everyone else who realized 1865 happened, the Civil Rights Movement occurred, and it’s f*ckin retarded to be racist, sexist and bigoted.
One thing is for sure.
Nobody was googling Mel Gibson like they were Taylor Lautner before this…
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Well Lookie Lookie…
This has been quite the convict week. What do Lindsay Lohan, OJ Simpson, & Glenn Beck have in common? Besides sucking?
They all IMMENSELY suck.
1. OJ getting married.
Never mind the fact that he has a spotty guilty past, This [Insert 5-letter adjective here] is about to get married again. This time to some chick psycho named Ana he never met. He saw a picture of her, and it reminded him of Nicole Brown.
How does an incarcerated OJ even know this woman?
They’re f*cking pen pals.
Aside from the fact that it’s no longer 1876, this is ludicrous. Wouldn’t necessarily call OJ the “marrying type.”
2. Lindsay Lohan and the Long Arm of the Law.
This girl is a cokewhore. She’s proven it to us time & time again.
Donning “fuck you” nails at her court trial yesterday, Lohan had the nerve to say her 90-day sentence for all the reckless sh*t she did was a “violation of human rights”.
Oscar Grant is a violation of human rights.
The thing is, she’ll probably end up only doing 3 weeks.
1st you have to be a human in order for your rights to be violated.
The self-proclaimed “Milkaholic” is set to do jail time, beginning July 20th. What other “-aholics” can you come up with for Lindsay?
I’ve got 3:
“Alch-”
“Adderol-”
“Skank-”
It’s gotten to the point where her lawyer Shawn Chapmann Holley quit. Perhaps she was tired of Lohan making her look like she can’t control her client? Black people don’t like to be embarrassed.
3. Glenn Beck U.
A guy takes one theology class at Yale & drops out, and he thinks he can start a university? Joining the ranks of ITT Tech, Apex, DeVry & Clown College, Beck is opening up a 9-part online course on his website. I refuse to post the link.
Perhaps one of the most non-embodying types of what the word university actually means, the hate-monger-er should be the last
(one of the last)
people things to get a school.
Then again…how different is this than tuning into Beck daily on Fox, or on the radio?
Oh. You pay $74.95 a year.
At least Sallie Mae won’t live in your ass.
At least, in light of the LeBron James soap Opera, Pat Riley =
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Cops Vs. Black People
Ok, maybe in this case, just a couple of Black teenage girls.
Surfacing on Wednesday, this video conjured up quite the stir:
Reactions to this video fell into 1 of 3 categories:
1. Outrage at the cop, side with the girls
2. Control the girls, side with the cop
3. This sh*t was funny.
I saw this on Wednesday. Looking at the video, I fell into category #1. But much to my surprise…many people who saw this fell into category #3.
Here’s how I look at it:
Category 1.
There are a couple of teenage girls, sequestered by this cop for having J-walked. The cop, clearly stronger more horizontal than both of the females (though, one in particular is sizable) feels the need to “discipline them”.
-He should have known better.
-He did not have to rip that girl’s shirt.
-For simply J-walking, the force was excessive.
-There is entirely too much animosity between these two groups for this to be happening. Again.
-Much like cocaine, Police discretion is a helluva drug.
Category 2.
However I can see the other side of the game.
-This cop is surrounded by Black kids who may or may not attack him solely based on the strained relationship between the two groups.
-People know how kids can be.
Let’s not act like teenagers are a walk in the park. Everyone winces when they get on the bus, or are in packs at any public venue that doesn’t include a school.
Category 3.
… Well, I don’t really see this video falling into the same realm as
But I guess many of you do. It just grates my nerves in the worst way when I see a man hit a woman, in any way shape or form.
More so, should those girls have even defended themselves against that policeman? Of course I had the inevitable “well, you know Black people ain’t supposed to argue with the po-lice” conversation. So when something’s obviously wrong illegal abuse of power, should the scenario go like this?:
But then again, the other side of that is…
Here are the general facts:
- A cop saw 4 young women J walking when he was talking to a man on the street.
-Officer stops the convo & asks the girls to step near his car.
-Officials said he was then met with not-so-kind words. (Probably a bunch of 4-word expletives, couple of “F-yous”, a few “sh*theads”, I’m sure)
-One of the girls ( a 19 year old) just began to walk away after a while. When she didn’t come back, against the officer’s wishes, he went over to her to bring her back to his vehicle. And that’s when the story begins.
Oh, and they’re calling this assault of a police officer.
Discuss.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Top 5 Pervs You Wouldn’t Want To Get Into In An Elevator With
No matter if you’re a guy or a girl.
Yesterday, Pro Football Hall Of Famer & Ex Giant Lawrence Taylor earned himself a new set of stats:
-Arrested.
- Charged with 3rd degree rape & of a 16 year old girl (the charge also carries patronizing a prostitute as an offense).
-A pimp (allegedly) put the two in contact.
-There is a refusal by Taylor’s camp to admit whether or not he knew how old this girl was.
-Admitted to paying for the sex. $300, to be exact.
-Was at a Holiday Inn in Ramapo, NY where the attack took place.
- Is 51 & actually lives in Pembroke Pines, FL with his wife & kids.
-He has a bald-headed attorney named Arthur Aidala who is entirely too animated.
-Says he was in that area of NY on business.
[Insert 5-letter adjective here] what kind of business you got in Ramapo. NY??
Who ever even heard of Ramapo, NY before today?
In the wake of this whole Lawrence Taylor -hall-of-famer-turned-weird-hazy-night-in-hotel-with-16-year-old-mess, I decided he shouldn’t be alone in this category.
There are many more pervs that no one wants to be bothered with at this…or any point. Without further ado:
Presenting
The Top 5 Pervs We Wouldn’t Want To Get Into An Elevator With:
5. 
Lawrence Taylor. Damn [Insert 5-letter adjective here]. Another decorated sports Black man bites the dust. What is is about money & fame that makes one twist their morals inside out, and completely loose their perception of what’s right & wrong? allowed?
4. Pee Wee Herman
A whole bunch of sh*t that doesn’t go together is the montage for his show? That’s supposed to symbolize whats going on in his head?? If this isn’t an indicator of a creepster, I don’t know what is.
Oh yeah
Did Pee Wee not have that lil’ snafu in a movie theatre in the 1991? And in 2002? Besides, he chose a pseudonym that are both references for urine.
3. This guy:
http://msofficer.com/2010/03/14/underaged-girls-vol-2-0/
2. 
George Rekers. The anti-gay (Christian) activist that rents barely legal boys from…where else? Rentboy.com
(I swear can’t make this sh*t up)
Rekers was seen with the 20-year-old gay escort, Lucien, leaving Miami International Airport 2 weeks ago. When prompted about what the two could possibly have to do with each other, Rekers simply replied that he “was trying to spread a message of love to Lucien”.
Yes. A message of horizontal love.
1. R. Kelly
The mere virtue of the fact that he calls himself “the Pied Piper of R&B” (or R&Pee as I affectionately like to call him) should set off an alarm.
The Pied Piper was a children’s tale of a man who played the flute throughout the town…to attract children. The Pied Piper of Hamlin eventually led the crowd of kids to their death.
All looks the same to me.
Well…
Think of it this way. Chingy had to come back at some point.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Clinton On Welfare
As it turns out, Bill Clinton has a brother, Roger.
This brother, Roger, has a daughter, Macy.
And she’s on food stamps.
Macy says that since a DNA test (you know, the kind they use here):
she took at 6 years old proved Roger was, indeed, her paternal father. She’s only met him a couple of times. He’s also never handed her a dime.
Apparently he promised her a trust fund, using his brother’s money using his old druggie money when Macy turned 18. That hasn’t happened. As a result, Macy feeds herself on a government issued benefits card so she can get free food at her local grocery store.
The mother, Martha Spivey, says she wants to go after the Clinton deadbeat– for upwards of $30,000 in back child support.
Here we have 2 Clinton brothers on our hands.
The good egg, Bill. Former President of the United States. Not once, but twice:
….aaaand this guy:
Haven’t we seen “The Other Sibling Disorder” before?
So Macy should’t feel too alone in this.
However, she is a cosmetology student with (and I quote–Via Huffington Post): “An unspecified part time job.”
What the hell kind of “unspecified part-time job” could a Clinton have?
There’s only 1 of 2 options:
Working for
or working for
Either way, I’m pretty sure talking about this on Inside Edition is not in her job description. She better get back to work.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Laura Bush Killed A Guy
Today, the former 1st Lady, Laura Bush, finally made a public admission that many have known for quite some time:
She killed someone. A young man by the name of Mike Douglas in 1963.
The accident was horrific, and Laura finally opens up about it in her new memoir, Spoken From The Heart.
That is, unless, you had not already heard about it from the place America gets most of their news from…
Family Guy.
And as terrible as that was, I did not find that to be the worst part of what she revealed.
She touched on why her husband didn’t rush down to New Orleans the minute he heard Katrina hit.
Via Newser.com:
George W. only flew over New Orleans after Katrina, she says, because “he did not want one single life to be lost because someone was catering to the logistical requirements” of a visiting president.
You mean to tell me that
Didn’t want to interrupt this
With this??
Busy romancing just-a-then-AZ senator John “Rodeo” McCain. They were enjoying some cake on an airport runway on the kind-of Maverick’s Birthday. Airport runways are the #1 place to eat cake by 100 people surveyed.
How can he possibly be so inconsiderate?
I keep hoping to read that line over & over again & the excuse not be so outlandishly ridiculous, but it isn’t.
Do you think that if this was a Black or newly banned Brown Laura Bush story, it would’ve been different?
Discuss
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Lil’ Wayne On Suicide Watch
Dr. Lil’ Wayne?
I damn sure know you never thought you’d hear those two words together.
//
Let alone getting you to believe them.
It was hard enough for me to find a picture of him reading, let alone with a book. And it’s not even a book. It’s amagazine. You gotta take what you can get, huh?
Even harder to believe, Lil’ Wayne is being treated like any other person in jail and was given a job behind bars. Some one thought it’d be a good idea to send Weezy to counsel inmates who are on suicide watch.
This career move was confirmed by Weezy’s ex-wife, Toya, who also complained, quote:
“Wayne has a job — they got him on suicide watch for other prisoners. He watches the crazy prisoners and makes sure they don’t kill themselves. He likes the job even though they don’t pay him much.”
//
Is this basic b*ch serious? I couldn’t make this up if I tried.
Welp, since we’re in the season…of…ignorance, presentinnnnggggg:
The Top 5 Lil’ Wayne Suicide Songs (In no particular order)
1. Lil’ Wayne Feat. Eminem- Drop The World
He wants to “leave Earf?” Enough said.
2. The Game Feat. Lil’ Wayne- My Life
Asking for his life to be taken? Sign #2 he shouldn’t be counseling someone else on this matter.
3. Birdman Feat. Lil’ Wayne & Mack Maine- Always Strapped
Uhm, someone who is “Always Strapped” damn sure shouldn’t be doling out advice on life
4. Enrique Iglesias Feat. Lil’ Wayne- Push
Any one of those prisoners was better off before hearing this.
5. Lil’ Wayne- I Feel Like Dying
He said he feels like dying.
*Bonus*
Lil’ Wayne Feat. Robin Thicke- Shooter
Ugh.
I’m gonna go ahead and chalk this up to the recession and say there are a shortage of people who are actually certified for this kind of thing.
By The Time DMX Gets Arrested Again…
…I will have probably just gone to the bathroom.
DMX, a.k.a. Earl Simmons a.k.a. Recidivist Supreme is back at it again. No matter how much I wish this was a DMX new music post, the fact is, it’s a DMX Your New Cellmate post.
For some reason he seems to think this sh*t is real. & that he can do it. Then get away with it every time.
…but he’s right. Dark Man X has been alluding substantially long jail sentences for quite the long while now. 361 years, to be exact.
On Tuesday they found him with coke illegal drugs coke again, on his way to, well, wherever he was going. Though not too many details have emerged since then, this did:
Still dressed like the year 2000, –his heyday– in a football jersey an Timbs, X was visibly not thrilled he had to be there in the first place. Slamming the papers down in front of the old white lady. That’s a middle finger to the law.
I also like that the announcer from Telemundo made a special celebrity guest appearance to commemorate the first rapper arrest of 2010 by speaking in Spanish in the courtroom.
And I’m sure it was no ballpark for anyone who was with him either. He also thinks he was the only one arrested on Tuesday. I’l provide some comfort to him in letting X know, I not only know for a fact he has not been the only one arrested in AZ this week, I’ll even suggest an inmate:
Justin Bieber. Offense: Being prepubescent. And a toolbox.
At any rate, even though we joke, clown & kid on Earl Simmons, it really is a shame that he has ended up like this. He truly is a talented artist. My next request is that he obtains Dr. Drew’s cell phone number real quick because I just can’t go through this Michael Jackson syndrome again. I personally can’t take it.
Hopefully X will find his way back to God in wanting to be a minister, but not like
Because we’ve already learned from that mistake before.
Why was he scratching & tweeking like that? Is that a stupid question?
DMX gets another go ’round in front of a judge on March 16th, facing violations on 5 counts of his probation. Pretty sure one of which, is crack use.
It must taste good.
Let’s take a trip back to were X was crazy and productive ripping it:
(I apparently have this video on my computer)
(Easily the best DMX song existence)
What will you have done by the time Dark Man X gets arrested again?
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Gary Coleman and Domestic Violence in the Same Sentence
Well, this is weird.
In yet another set of words uncomfortably strung together in a sentence, Gary Coleman was arrested today in Utah. For…you guessed it, hitting someone. He was taken in at 1:28 this afternoon, and the details still remain hazy. The victim still has yet to be identified.
Perhaps this isn’t as weird as I origionally thought. Gary Coleman is no stranger to oddities.
I mean,
This awkward marriage to a then 21-year-old Shannon Price from somewhere in the middle of the country where cousin marrying has never been frowned upon. And then saying he was a virgin at age 63
Then there was this episode where he like, had his mouth & arms doused in crack & signed stuff like manties & Gamecubes for money…or two loosies and a monkey
The time he was surrounded by Mark Messier and a bunch of used jock straps. And Mark Messier’s ballsack was hanging out underneath
or the time he was on Divorce Court with Paul Bunyan
or Gary Coleman actually aging.
By the way– His wife Shannon was arrested in 2008 for domestic violence.
More info to come as the story develops.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
A N*gga Moment
We’re not even a week into the New Year & they’re already giving me reason to use this word.
Gilbert Arenas & this negro named Javaris Crittendon
(Problem #1 his name is Javavris)
got into some sort of argument over some gambling debts.
Apparently the two got so wrapped up in a card game on Dec. 19th that Arenas ended up losing over $60,000 to fellow Wizards teammate JaVale McGee (Problem #2, his name) on their way back from Phoenix.
Now I don’t like to talk about old sh*t in the New Year, but the rift between Gilbert Arenas & Javaris Crittenton and Gilbert Arenas started when Jaravis decided to front the money on the spot for Gilbert.
Fast forward 2 days to the Wizards’ locker room where Arenas laid out some guns on a chair for Crittenton telling him to pick one. That was allegedly in response to the fact that Crittenton told Arenas he was gonna shoot him in his leg a few days earlier.
On Friday the two c*cks stood in the Washington locker room drawing guns on each other.
This sounds an awful lot like…
A N*gga Moment.
WTF are these two mulitimillionaires doing pulling out guns over a few thousand dollars??
I expect this type of behavior out of Ron Artest, who has the tendency to carry on like he is a 15 year old chicken head,
but not from a negro named “Gilbert”.
Anywho, he has apologized today, but still faces a sucky punishment from the NBA because a Grand Jury is now looking into the case.
A quote from his apology:
“Joke or not, I now recognize that what I did was a mistake and was wrong. I should not have brought the guns to DC in the first place, and I now realize that there’s no such thing as joking around when it comes to guns — even if unloaded.”
When’s the last time anyone even thought about the Washington Wizards?
Love.
*Ms. Officer
Bodyrolling
I hate this.
He is about to break out into an unapologetic body roll. Contrary to what you might believe, it is an epidemic.
For those of you unfamiliar, allow me to show u a small example of what I am referring to:
Whoever this is, he’s an *sshole. Never mind the jerk holding the camera.
Shout out to the 71,351 fools who sat & watched this because they thought it was sexy.
Now believe you me, I am a staunch advocate of preventing this, so u can imagine how much it pains me to even compose this post. Nonetheless, here we go:
This qualifies as bodyrolling too. Do not be fooled by the low degree of intensity.
But there are varying types:
The Haitian Bodyroll:
The used-to-be-cute-but is now a monster Bodyroll:
The I’m entirely too old for this Bodyroll
The Group Bodyroll, a.k.a, one form of ‘Swordfighting’
(On the floor counts too!)
The side ‘curl’ squiggle Bodyroll
The ain’t- u- in- enough- trouble- as- it- is-u- got- the- nerve- to- be- bodyrollin’ bodyroll
The T-Pain Bodyroll
Yet as I sit here trying to force back the vomit chunks from hitting my computer, none of these offenses seem to even come close. In fact, they pale in comparison to this latest crime:
!!!!!!!!!!!
Guilty!
Spectacular from the group Pretty Ricky gets 10 Consecutive life terms in prison!
With Johnny Gill!
That was easily the most talked about video on the internet this week. Awareness is up approx. 1 trillion percent.
(Don’t forget about his other group member- another grown man calling himself ‘Lingerie’. Might as well call himself ‘Bra’)
Now, I sincerely do hate bodyrolling & believe it is waaay to effeminate for men to even touch.
Let it be duly noted:
This type of behavior is beyond unacceptable for any male claiming to be straight.
…Cuz if not, it seems like they’re just trying to…
Now which guys do u think that applies to?
Love,
*Ms. Officer
