Category Archives: White People Love This
Drake- Ism, “Take Care”- Ism
Aubrey Drake Graham exists as both an actor & rapper singer.
Mr. Graham needs to be very careful he doesn’t fall into “Ja Rule” territory, which he is hurdling towards with his latest effort, Take Care.
The “lonely-kind-of-singer-kind-of-rapper-entertainer-sitting-by-a-golden-bird-whilst-being-Jay-Z’s-unshaven-look-circa-6-months-ago” look is not really doing much for…anything outside of 1983.
I never bought the “Drake is a gangster because he chose to sign hang out with Young Money” image,
AND NEITHER SHOULD YOU
Care is in the title of his sophomore effort. HOW HARD IS THIS EXPECTED TO BE
Drake happens to be a walking dichotomy. Smart enough for the nerds/backpackers, [Insert 6 letter word, adj. here] ish enough for…everyone else.
Initially, I thought of writing a review upon first listen. Deciding that would have been premature & possibly unfair (although I have a very good sense for identifying hit songs, quality songs & plain sh*t) I marinated. I’ve lived with this Take Care album for a week now, it’s time I shared the in-depth breakdown.
1. Over My Dead Body- Boring. In one instance I fell asleep. So it doubles as a lullaby.
2. Shot For Me-
3. Headlines –
4. Crew Love Feat. The Weekend- 1st good song we come across. Best of all, The Weekend does the singing here. Also, The Weekend may or may not sound like The Dream. Perhaps it’s their affinity for articles.
5. Take Care Feat. Rihanna- Just…waterboard me. This will be a sickening crossover hit– everyone loves Drake, everyone loves Rihanna. Put them over a fart (which this song makes me want to do) and it will be a smash. Call it the Jay-Z effect.
6. Marvin’s Room- Spawned too many spawns this summer. We’ve all drunk dialed. We’ve all been 2am mad. Drizzy accurately captures this while caressing his own scruffy chin.
7. Buried Alive (Interlude) Feat. Kendrick Lamar- Kendrick Lamar is getting much of the same type of buzz Drake was 2 years ago (as he likes to remind us). Drizzy gets kind of morbid not only on this track -but the whole album- which is weird. What is he talking about? Why is he so upset at his success? ISN’T THIS WHAT YOU WANTED
8. Underground Kings- Love this. Particularly it’s ’90s rap sound. These types of records are why we love Drake in the first place. Well done, Noah ”40″ Shebib & T-Minus. Sometimes I need that romance, sometimes I need to pole dance.
9. We’ll Be Fine (Feat. Birdman)- Would’ve been fine sans Birdman.
10. Make Me Proud (Feat. Nicki Minaj)- This duet does little to quell my feelings they’ll both be donned in pink for the vid. Admittedly, I like it–this too (is currently) a big record.
11. Lord Knows Feat. Rick Ross- Here is the standalone “street cred” song on Take Care. Personally, not crazy about it. However, production by Just Blaze & Rawse’s sheep will propel this– at least on late night radio.
12. Cameras Feat. Jon B./Good Ones Go (Interlude)- Easily my favorite track. Impressed is an understatement when it comes to how I feel about him even knowing Jon B.’s Calling On You. Lends to the theory of Drake-ism. Can’t be a gangster listening to Pleasures You Like. Original:
This, ladies and gentlemen, is partially how underrated artists get their due– rediscovery. So, not so bad after all. Jon is an amazing artist, one of my absolute favorites. Click here for the interview I did with Jon B. this summer.
The interlude is a killer.
13. Doing It Wrong (Feat. Stevie Wonder)- What was that? Would you like some more WHINE with that cheese? BUT OF COURSE. THIS TRACK’S ONLY SAVING GRACE IS STEVIE WONDER’S HARMONICA
14. The Real Her (Feat. Andre 3000 and Lil’ Wayne)- Aside from the fact you can barely differentiate Wayne’s voice from Drake’s, it’s pretty cool. Andre 3000 always elevates anything he’s on. #SEEWHATIDIDTHERE #ELEVATORS
15. Look What You’ve Done- Best song on the album. About his mother, uncle & grandmother. Well done.
16. HYFR Feat. Lil Wayne- “Hell Yeah, F*cking Right” should not follow Look What You’ve Done. What is the connection here? Again, lost in the Drayne voice matrix. And it sucks.
17. Practice- We’ve heard this before, circa 12 years ago. With a few more gold teeth, and Mweaves (Man weaves) sprinkled in between.
Practice raises a different question. WHERE’S MANNIE FRESH
18. The Ride Feat. The Weekend- Meh.
Bonuses
Hate Sleeping Alone- Not deplorable. Could’ve replaced one of the 1st 3 songs. Or all of them.
The Motto Feat. Lil’ Wayne & Tyga- The only dance-able cut was relegated to an afterthought. Why is this a bonus & that atrocity HYFR gets to have an album cut? WHO MADE THIS DECISION
Miscellaneous Notes:
- Noticeably, his voice (not style) sounds a lot like Lil’ Wayne. Doesn’t help half of this album consists of his rhymes too.
- He didn’t “Baaaaaaawwww” that much this go around, which is kind of disappointing.
- WHO ARE THESE GIRLS HE KEEPS MESSING WITH
Now that you have been saturated with more references to “OVO” & “XO” than you care to count, do yourself a favor.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Like this:
Hilarity Pt. 38: Wiz Khalifa Feat. Vinny from Jersey Shore- Black & Guido
This exists.
@ :01 Black & Guido by Vinny LadyGagagadino
@ :06 I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat? Freshly Waxed, Abrasive Eyebrows!
@ :17 If I turn this hat around, I’ll look like Jay-Z in the “New York Video”. And my hat is Black too.
@ :28 Step 1: Meet Black Girl. Step 2: Complement butt. Step 3: Tell her inevitable bird friends “stop hay-in”. Then all Black guys will like that.
@ :38 They’re going crazy cuz I’m White & She’s Black. It’s like it’s never been done before. Legally. Like pre- 1967.
@ :39 See? Color doesn’t matter. Because Vinny said so.
@ :45 If an actual Negro comes by, his Black approval will be sealed.
@ :53 Funny, I introduce myself to every White male I meet by saying “Aye, don’t u see my skin’s brown?”. Comes right before my name.
@ :54 That’s usually the response.
@ 1:14 So if Ciara & Kerry Wash (ington) are watching, Vinny likes you. Check yes, no, or maybe.
@ 1:34 Eb-on-y & I-vo-ry go together in perfect har-mo-ny
@ 1:40 Bouncing around with even more guys definitely helps his case.
@ 1:41 Glad everyone remembered the uniform. “Wear something Black, but your hat has to be black.”
@ 1:51 There are a lot of halfie Black & Guido heroes. Denzel, for one, Al Pacino, for another. He’s right. They made a great couple.
@ 2:01 Pirouettes always drive points home.
@ 2:14 Yay! More men for the now equally raced frank & bean party!
@ 2:16 These hats are really doing the trick. I see this is the effect they were going for.
@ 2:53 Uh-oh the fat one didn’t get the memo
@ 3:16 It’s like an all-male mostly Italian rainbow
@ 3:28 The dog = representation of Buido love. (Please give me credit once you outsource this word)
@ 3:42 I half expect this guy in the right hand corner to blow a kiss.
And now I know what “Chillin’ wit my boyz” means.
The Jon B. Effect just doesn’t apply here. See Chapter 1: Robin Thicke’s Father Was The Father On Growing Pains for further reference.
The question still remains:
The. Best. Christ. Mas. Songs. Evar.
December.
To me some it represents the impending doom of Jury Duty, only obeyed for fear of sharing a cell with an enlarged “woman” named Tiny. To the world over, it signifies the thick of the Holiday Season, and, most importantly– the fun “month illustration” on every calendar.
A feeling only Chrismahaunakwanzikah can bring.
This season is also particularly special because it’s the only one with it’s own soundtrack. Sure there are songs about love, but not necesarily Valentine’s Day, No one outside of the Irish sing for drinking, St. Patty’s Day, and I’ve never particularly heard a President’s Day song that made me want to blast it on my iPod, further deafening myself.
However:
5. Nat King Cole- The Christmas Song
Mr. Cole’s voice is akin to a fireplace and a freshly iced gingerbread house. That you just bit the door off of. Because you thought no one would notice if you called it a gingerbread “hut”.
For now, let’s just call him the Velvet Voice.
4. Paul Mc Cartney- Wonderful Christmastime
As cheesy and heavily synthed as it is, it gets radio-played almost 10 times an hour. This is obviously some sort of scientific measure of Paul McCartney’s popularity. I can listen to this sequence (or lack thereof) and not get exhausted. Maybe that says more about me than it does the song.
3. Stevie Wonder- Christmastime
On an ordinary day, during any one of his songs, Stevie Wonder’s voice makes my eyeballs well up. Add pine, memories of holidays past. Here is the recipie for the salty discharge that begins to roll down my cheeks. We’ve got a stage two tissue emergency.
Please don’t take Stevie Wonder at all. Take Soulja Boy instead.
2. Mariah Carey- All I Want For Christmas
The crowd pretty much echoes the world’s sentiment on this song. If you don’t agree, you’ve never:
a.) Truly appreciated Mariah Carey’s crazy
b.) Truly appreciated Mariah Carey’s genius
Much like last week’s toenail standing moment at The Garden, this and the following have been in contention for the number 1 spot.
1. Let It Snow- Boyz II Men Feat. Brian McKnight
If you can get passed the abusive hoop-earring wearing in this video, you can truly appreciate the song for what it is. Nostalgia & Christmas Cheer donned in Charlie Brown sweaters.
A classic with a twist . And I wouldn’t have it any other way.
*Bonus*
It’s ok, half my family is Jewish. I’m allowed.
Hilarity Pt. 33- The Wheel of Fortune Miracle
Ok, not really. The video itself is entertaining (hence, “Game Show”) but not as funny as Pat Sajak himself.
@ :03 The stoic face of a man who’s been doing this way too long.
@ :26 This *sshole guessed the only other letter not in the puzzle. They never use “q”. Everyone knows that.
@ :43 Pat “pretends” not to hear that she’s asked to solve.
@ :44 The pause is wayyyy more valuable than anything else he could’ve ever said in that moment.
@ :54 That’s pretty f*ckin rad. But not impossible. Wheel of Fortune is just a process of elimination, so by default phrases such as
“I’m gonna git u sucka”
“I’ma whoop yo’ ass”
“I’ll have your money by Friday”
are out of the question because
a.) There’s an “l”
b.) There’s an “r”
Thus arriving at the only other logical choice, “I’ve got a good feeling about this”.
@ 1:01 Look @ the same *sshole from :26 eyeballing this chick. He is saltier than Barnyard Chicken.
@ 1:09 Pat Sajak’s gut makes a guest appearance for the special event
@ 1:24 It’s not funny the 4th time. We heard you the 1st three.
Indeed.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Why “The View” Is F**ked, Reason #786 (The Bill O’Reilly Edition)
Bill O’ Reilly was on “The View” this morning. This is what happened.
What a mess.
No doubt the Mosque issue is a sensitive one.
Bill O’Reilly is a frozen head from 1760 polarizing figure. You have to watch him to know what he’s saying, but not for too long, you’ll lose brain matter. No matter the topic, he will find a way to dredge up the brimstone in you. Unless, of course, you’re Dipset.
The View is composed of a bunch of cackling b***hes.
Like oil and water, or like whatever two elements you mix together to go “BOOM!”, it should have already been known
by the talent booker
by the producers
by the doorman
by O’ Reilly’s nose hairs
that this was going to get out of hand.
Whoopi was out of pocket during Mel KKK Gibsongate, and now this. Even though O’Reilly is a sh*tty, sh*tty person– it was still an interview. Her and the older Ginger shouldn’t have walked out. The audience seemed confused too– they cheered @ 1:36, then again when Thelma & Louise Ginger & Dread walked off of the stage. You can’t agree with both. This only tells me that the audience is comprised of exactly what I thought it was: squirrel monkeys.
Whatever.
The bigger issue here is why Whoopi looks pregnant.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Tiger’s Balls
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Too easy.
How many 7th-grade jokes can be made about this un-photoshoppepd masterpiece?
This picture was snapped by a genius who was actually standing in a really sh*tty place. Mark Pain (Not to be confused with “T”)
of the U.K.’s Daily Mail happened to be standing there. This took place in the future over the weekend during the Ryder Cup in Whales.
Don’t let the “Where’s Waldo’s Mustache” dude in the corner distract you. Write all of your tacky jokes below now, please.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
The Social Network Was F*cking Good
Tonight, my roommate Turkey and I just finished watching “The Social Network”.
Like average citizens, we waited until opening weekend.
Like average citizens, we bought our tickets and overpriced death accelerators movie snacks.
Like average citizens, I watched a toothless woman shuffle out of the stall I was waiting on tell me there was no more toilet paper we waited on line to use the bathroom after the film was done.
I can’t do it.
-At least-
The Social Network was f*cking good.
Admittedly, this theater visit was fulled by my love for Justin Timberlake. I returned with much more.
This is the story of the “Mark Zuckerberg Production”, in college at the same time I was. The world’s youngest Billionaire and his closest friend invent a pop culture phenomenon the internet’s coolest stalking device. It attracts the attention of Sean Parker -co-conspirator of Shawn Fanning- the brains behind Napster who went to Northeastern (my f*ckin school) a decade earlier.
Even though I didn’t feel like punching someone in the mouth because I sat still for two hours, the thoughts that had been lurking in my subconscious darted to the forefront.
What the f*ck am I doing?
There I sat.
The wee months of 2004.
Nicole Vazquez‘s Harvard dorm room.
Her 7,000th time hammering me to “Get on Facebook” (then, only open to Boston-area college students and not any f*cking weirdo with an internet connection, a mirror, & a cameraphone) After refusing so much,
on try 7,001 I signed up, and never looked back.
There were no outlandish differences between Mark Zuckerberg and myself. Save his computer programming skills, my mind (minus the 1600 SAT score) works similarly.
It has only been a couple of years since I left college, yet the angst of graduating into an unstable economy still haunts me. For the longest time, I thought I was crystal clear on the career path I’d chosen, having found a love for it while at Northeastern.
Just about all of my work experience has been in this one field and, as you can imagine, going from wanting to do something so bad, then not wanting to do it at all is sh*tty harrowing. It also f*cks with your head. What I do now is not my career. What I have to say about my job is not important. Though I feel I certainly should be farther along in it.
I’m agitated by the rat race of the MTA, the disgusting guys who hang out on corners and ask if I “put lip gloss on them sh*s”, and not being able to find a decent vegetable in a Black neighborhood that hasn’t been soaked in Mazola.
I can’t do it.
I once had dreams of going to law school. This was recently echoed in a conversation with an obnoxious friend by the name of Shane Dayqwanna Lloyd.
He’s in grad school at Brown, learning about lobotomies & how to perform them with chopsticks.
Shane: “Well didn’t you wanna go back to school? All of your friends are back in higher education. Why aren’t you??”
Me: “This is something I need to be sure of before I dig myself deeper into the sh*tter with Sallie Mae. And 3 more years.”
Shane: “Well, you’re not getting any younger. And you’re kinda smart. It’s time for you to move up to the Ivy leagues.”
Me: “Ass*ole.”
Of course I can’t immediately think of anything I’d like to do, but I know what I don’t want to be:
-This
-Manure scooper
-Prostitute
-Problem Drinker
-African American Haberdasher
-Police Officer
-Accountant
-Anything having anything to do with math, counting, sequences, or even saying numbers
-Anything involving Pee-Wee Herman. Or Fantasia.
Zuckerberg’s character noted he “couldn’t” go back to Caribbean night at Alpha Epsilon Pi.
I can’t do it either.
I have the passion. I have the talent. I have the intelligence. And I want to invent some widely successful & popular sh*t.
There’s something greater I’ve got to get.
As quoted from my (very Jamaican) father to me in our conversation last week:
“Where do I go from here?”
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Hilarity Pt. 25- Rude Boy
White people can’t dance.
As if all other scientific studies haven’t justified this, here’s yet another video proving it true.
I’m pretty sure this was not the intended use of Rihanna’s Rude Boy.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Why Sumner Redstone Is A Hot Piece of Ass
This is Sumner Redstone:
(I’m-almost-dead Hot)
Now to the undead naked eye, he may not look like much. But to a hopeful blushing bride me, he’s fine as hell.
And worth $2.8 billion.
The media magnate is part of a sultry list of the Forbes 400.
Other sex kittens wealthy beyond human brain comprehension include:
Samuel Newhouse: Jew-y Hot
(Conde Nast/Discovery) $6.2 Billion
Charles Ergen: I-sell-a-bunch-of-sh*t-that-doesn’t-really-work Hot
(Dish Network) $5.2 Billion
David Geffen: Skinned-cat bald Hot
(Music/Film) $5.1 Billion
Haim Saban: Mosque Hot
(Power Rangers) $3.4 Billion
George Lucas: I-have-a-Black-wife Hot
(Star Wars) $3.25 Billion
Oprah Winfrey: Why-aren’t-you-married-yet-who-is-Gail-really Hot
(Media) $2.7 Billion
Mark Cuban: Straight-jacket Hot
(Let it be known, I’d actually date him)
(HDNET/Dallas Maveriks/Entourage Cast Member Now) $2.5B
Ted Turner: Mustache Hot
(TV/Communications) $1.9 Billion
Michael Ilitch: I’ve-never-seen-a-f*cking-Little Caesars-ever-so-they-don’t-exist Hot
(Little Caesars Pizza) $1.7B
I know what you’re thinking:
1. She’s sick (you have no f*cking sense of humor if that’s the case)
2. “Why have the hots for a peasant such as Redstone? Why not go for the gusto with Bill Gates ($54B)?”
Because I like a little humility with my coffee, thank you. The richest man in America? That’s just tacky. Besides, Melinda doesn’t seem like she’s going anywhere.
They may be all raisins -with the exception of Mark Zuckerberg (Facebook, 26, $6.9B) & Oprah- but if you say you wouldn’t “top off” any one of these Forbes 400 for, like, morthgage, or a Gallardo, you’re a f*cking liar.
{Disclaimer: I just want to get rid of this f*cking Northeastern debt now, without having to die or be near dead to do so}
Anne Cox Chambers: She’s 90 Hot
(Cox Enterprises) 12.7 Billion
This is all in jest. I’m just playing.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Where The Hell Did Time Go Wednesdays- Blink 182
Craving the innocence packaged in the ’90′s I see every morning in reruns of “Saved By The Bell”,
this was more than appropriate.
11 years since this came out and it still makes you giggle like you’ve seen it for the first time.
Who doesn’t enjoy the vid that singlehandedly encompassed all tawdry, obnoxious Pop stereotypes of the decade and rolled them into one?
This obviously means that quality+catchy song x lots of MTV TRL airplay= awkward White boy acceptance.
I like that equation.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
4002 Reasons Why You Should Hate IKEA
Last weekend I thought I was going away. When that didn’t work out, going to IKEA somehow surpassed maintaining my sanity. Instead of doing what any New Yorker should have done with her beautiful weekend afternoon– relax– I ventured to a place where no one would otherwise go Red Hook, Brooklyn to satiate my desire for sh*t I needed affordable home goods.
I should have been better mentally prepared.
Before Summer 2008, the sole IKEA store in the Tri-State area was located In The Middle Of Nowhere, New Jersey. This made it especially inconvenient for NY residents to schlep across the Hudson and partake in the Swedish delicacy. I’d visited that location only once, it turned into a family trip.
13 years later I found myself in the middle of what many anyone with 6 brain cells would call Hell.
-Waiting for the shuttle bus at Borough Hall was obnoxious enough. Let alone the old Negro yelling into the crowd of 5 he’ll “go home with you and assemble the stuff you buy same day”. It wasn’t the audacity to have business cards for this “service”, it was the fact that people took them.
-Don’t sit next to me on the shuttle bus. Especially if you’re fat. There’s just not enough space.
-It’s not Toys “R” (sorry, no backwards R on the keyboard) Us. No reason to have your kids crawling around the store. Especially when they have a containment chamber supervised childcare area on the premises.
-That yellow bag prompts you to pick up way more sh*t than you intended. Learned that the hard way.
-WTF does any of this say.
-Not even 5 minutes into entering the store, one dude picked another man up, right behind me. F*ck me.
-None of the store goes in order. Why the f*ck did I go from the bedroom to the kitchen?
-You need to be drunk in order to tolerate this
-Does anyone work here??
-Don’t ever direct me to the “shortcut”
-Why isn’t the sh*t in English? For 10 minutes I stared blankly at a timer located directly in between the “Bathroom” and “Kitchen” sections. Was it a clock? Was it a meat thermometer?
-More than 3 consonants consecutively placed together to create one word should set off a warning signal to all Americans.
-Why isn’t there a bar here?
-Wheeling 16 parts of one mirror around just doesn’t make sense.
-If you manage to navigate passed all the morons who actually like this place, you’ll (finally) proceed to checkout.
-They overcharged. I got even.
-I couldn’t get away fast enough. Problem is, IKEA didn’t want me to get away either. Apparently there are 2 separate sets of shuttle buses:
1.) Goes to Borough Hall (my stop)
2.) Goes to Smith-9th Streets (wtf)
They park in the exact same f*ckin spot. Guess which one I got on.
15 minutes later, I found myself at the useless Smith-9th Street, wearing my enlarged blue bag & a frown. As I shuffled up the block I noticed a city bus. I asked the driver one simple question:
“Do you go to Borough Hall?”
His reply: “Yes”
I got on.
15 minutes later, I was still on this f*ckin bus.
20 minutes later, I was still on this f*ckin bus.
22 minutes later, I was back in front of IKEA.
“Why didn’t you tell me this was going back to IKEA?”
“Oh, You didn’t want to go to IKEA?”
“No!” I ended that interaction with my trademark blank stare.
And almost hit him with the blue bag getting off.
Finally the escapade ended.
When I got home I had to assemble the lamps I bought. I’d rather pay the extra $1.67 if this means they’ll send it to be “made in Taiwan” first.
I also got a few of these:
“Malma” mirrors. Looks simple enough to hang, right?
Dead wrong. All it came with were two weird ass screws and some f*ckin string. I ain’t hardly MacGuyver MacGruber. Wtf do these 4 things have to do with each other?
Needless to say, I’d had enough at that point. I threw them in the corner & decided to buy some American sh*t to hang those “Malmas” up with.
Beware. Ikea is a circle of hell. Worst part is, I have to go back for more Malma mirrors.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Drake Is A Jew
Ok, not really. But judging from these pictures, he wasn’t far off.
Everything started out ok…
But then
Goooood Grief
This looks familiar:
He took the L like Kobe on that one
Here is Drake’s epidose of the MTV series “When I Was 17″:
Everybody takes at least 1 crazy looking picture, right?
Love,
*Ms. Officer
What in Sam Hell? Wyclef?
In the wake of the KFC Double Down,
I see that this monstrosity of a commercial has to go.
Watching The Early Show while getting dressed this morning, this met my eyes on their way up from my boots:
how dreadful.
Wyclef Jean, the most popular Haitan, is fresh from helping his native in their dire time of need. By no way is that on trial here.
The decision to do this commercial is.
Why they got this [insert 5-letter adjective here] dressed like Tony the Tiger doing soft-shoe in the middle of the street?
Wyclef definitely took the L on this one.
The problem isn’t that there are folks of all races enjoying crackers in the street.
The problem is this [insert 5-letter adjective here] is doing a step & fetch with a damn baton over some f*ckin buttered crackers while everyone gapes on.
At a block party.
I’m surprised they didn’t stick a piece of chicken in his hand
I’m surprised he did this.
Yup Charlie Murphy feels the same way.
Just wanted to point out how foolish this commercial looked.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Like this:
How To Text: A Tutorial, By Tiger Woods
As per my previous “translation” posts, I certainly have garnered numerous requests for another. Your wish is my command.
Although this post should be entitled “How to create instant nausea by imagining tiger woods during sexual intercourse”, I chose to go with the above instead. This obviously is about the sexts King Woods sent one of his many muses. This time is was Joslyn James, a pornstar who said Elin had a right to know what went on saw her chance to get in on this shine slipping away due to a pending reconciliation:
And a fast approaching Master’s tourney where Woods will make his triumphant I’m-gonna-try-to-sell-something-other-than-blow-up-dolls- so-i-need-more-endorsements- return to golf.
Boy, this dude can’t seem to get rid of these hoes!
Make sure you are not in the process of eating or kissing, for this will undoubtedly make you toss your cookies. And that is not sexy.
My italicized commentary is what you live for! Here goes:
Tiger:Sent: 04:18 PM 07/31/2009:
Oh i know. Not at all. Just glad and suprised i can do that to you Im all clean. Come on down:)
I got tested, doc says I’m ok. But that sh*t you let me do to you was nastyyyyyyyyy
Tiger:Sent: 11: 08 PM 08/23/2009:
I like when you do that to me
Tiger:Sent: 04:06 PM 08/28/2009:
I want to be deep inside you
And then pull out really quickly as to not impregnate you. No evidence.
Tiger:Sent: 03:19 PM 08/29/2009:
I need that so bad
Tiger:Sent: 03:30 PM 08/29/2009:
Me to. I would wear you out
Tiger:Sent: 03:32 PM 08/29/2009:
I have no idea. I would love to have the ability to make you sore
That was in response to the question “Are your kids home?”
Tiger:Sent: 03:43 PM 08/29/2009:
Ok. I would like to have a threesome with you and another girl you trust
Tiger:Sent: 03:48 PM 08/29/2009:
Does that excite you at all or no
“I would like to have intercourse with you and your closest female friend in which you confide. Is this enticing to you or shall I suggest another means of interrogating about this matter?”
Damn. Can’t you just see Urkel right in front of you when you read that sh*t?
Tiger:Sent: 03:37 PM 08/29/2009:
Do you ever hook up with other guys or girls
I’m trying to tell you that I want to hook up with another guy with you there too. So we can swordfight. But I gotta gauge where you’re at first.
Tiger:Sent: 03:52 PM 08/29/2009:
God girl. You better want to take care of me
Tiger:Sent: 04″02 PM 08/29/2009:
I want to treat you rough. Throw you around, spank and slap you
I want to mistreat you. Then call you bad words my mother said I shouldn’t say, then hit you. I know that’s not nice either, because my mother said that too.
Tiger:Sent: 04:07 PM 08/29/2009:
You are my f—— w—-
Wow. He’s actually right here.
Tiger:Sent: 04:08 PM 08/29/2009:
Hold you down while i choke you and Fuck that ass that i own
Makes me feel like a slavemaster. I like that.
Tiger:Sent: 04:10 PM 08/29/2009:
Then im going to tell you to shut the F— up while i slap your face and pull your hair for making noise
Ok, wow.
Tiger:Sent: 04:21 PM 08/29/2009:
Where do you want to be bitten
You don’t have any choice in being bitten, I’ve already made that decision for you. I will allow you to choose where.
Tiger:Sent: 04:06 PM 08/29/2009:
Slap your face. Treat you like a dirty little whore. Put my cock in your ass and then shove it down your throat
Wow. That’s pretty sick. He actually wants her to eat sh*t. But she probably has. She is a porn star.
I conclude that a sex addiction clinic was not where Tiger should have been sent. Perhaps anger management might have suited the situation a little better.
![[_4unsafejb__oPt.jpg]](http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_u3lFqBksmrE/S6SrFbRNlII/AAAAAAAAcZM/bbj1Ko3o-2c/s1600/_4unsafejb__oPt.jpg)
hey…it coulda been worse. At least the exchange was not with a man.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Kick Him While He’s Down
…This is the last Tiger post
The last Tiger post for a while
The last consecutive Tiger post.
Via TigerWoods.com, the golfer said this past weekend that he was “taking a hiatus from golf” indefinitely. He said, quote:
I am deeply aware of the disappointment and hurt that my infidelity has caused to so many people, most of all my wife and children. I want to say again to everyone that I am profoundly sorry and that I ask forgiveness. It may not be possible to repair the damage I’ve done, but I want to do my best to try.
Essentially, this looks really bad right now for him. Not only does Tiger have a binge-hoe problem, but its been put on front street for the whole world to see. This bodes worse than a Lil’ Wayne-guested episode of 106.
But you can’t look away. This man’s image was impeccable, but who’d-a-thought that this guy would be the one sexin’ all up & down the U.S.?
Nothing about Tiger Woods screams voracious, insatiable sexual appetite.
Nothing.
However this Tiger Woods situation is getting ripped out from the guts:
-Florida Department of Children and Families paid a visit the Woods’ Windermere, FL home on Sunday. To investigate probable child abuse.
-Consulting firm Accenture dropped him from their roster.
-AT&T & Gillette have eased up on those ads featuring him (but have made no sharp moves concerning Tiger yet).
-Nike & Electronic Arts, with whom he’s been with for over 10 years are turning their heads the other way & sticking w/ him representing their brands. Cuz “don’t nobody on Earf play golf better than dis n***a!”
-His wife, Elin, stopped wearing her wedding ring:
-White woman tally now up to 14 (weirdly enough, the same number of majors Tiger has) including a cougar at least 7 years his senior.
-Tiger is allegedly contemplating moving to France, and is having properties scoped out so he can escape the intense media glare that’s been cast upon his FL home.
You know if he never plowed around on his front lawn…this probably wouldn’t have unraveled like this…
Damn Tiger.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
