Category Archives: When Crazy Becomes Cool
Drake- Ism, “Take Care”- Ism
Aubrey Drake Graham exists as both an actor & rapper singer.
Mr. Graham needs to be very careful he doesn’t fall into “Ja Rule” territory, which he is hurdling towards with his latest effort, Take Care.
The “lonely-kind-of-singer-kind-of-rapper-entertainer-sitting-by-a-golden-bird-whilst-being-Jay-Z’s-unshaven-look-circa-6-months-ago” look is not really doing much for…anything outside of 1983.
I never bought the “Drake is a gangster because he chose to sign hang out with Young Money” image,
AND NEITHER SHOULD YOU
Care is in the title of his sophomore effort. HOW HARD IS THIS EXPECTED TO BE
Drake happens to be a walking dichotomy. Smart enough for the nerds/backpackers, [Insert 6 letter word, adj. here] ish enough for…everyone else.
Initially, I thought of writing a review upon first listen. Deciding that would have been premature & possibly unfair (although I have a very good sense for identifying hit songs, quality songs & plain sh*t) I marinated. I’ve lived with this Take Care album for a week now, it’s time I shared the in-depth breakdown.
1. Over My Dead Body- Boring. In one instance I fell asleep. So it doubles as a lullaby.
2. Shot For Me-
3. Headlines –
4. Crew Love Feat. The Weekend- 1st good song we come across. Best of all, The Weekend does the singing here. Also, The Weekend may or may not sound like The Dream. Perhaps it’s their affinity for articles.
5. Take Care Feat. Rihanna- Just…waterboard me. This will be a sickening crossover hit– everyone loves Drake, everyone loves Rihanna. Put them over a fart (which this song makes me want to do) and it will be a smash. Call it the Jay-Z effect.
6. Marvin’s Room- Spawned too many spawns this summer. We’ve all drunk dialed. We’ve all been 2am mad. Drizzy accurately captures this while caressing his own scruffy chin.
7. Buried Alive (Interlude) Feat. Kendrick Lamar- Kendrick Lamar is getting much of the same type of buzz Drake was 2 years ago (as he likes to remind us). Drizzy gets kind of morbid not only on this track -but the whole album- which is weird. What is he talking about? Why is he so upset at his success? ISN’T THIS WHAT YOU WANTED
8. Underground Kings- Love this. Particularly it’s ’90s rap sound. These types of records are why we love Drake in the first place. Well done, Noah ”40″ Shebib & T-Minus. Sometimes I need that romance, sometimes I need to pole dance.
9. We’ll Be Fine (Feat. Birdman)- Would’ve been fine sans Birdman.
10. Make Me Proud (Feat. Nicki Minaj)- This duet does little to quell my feelings they’ll both be donned in pink for the vid. Admittedly, I like it–this too (is currently) a big record.
11. Lord Knows Feat. Rick Ross- Here is the standalone “street cred” song on Take Care. Personally, not crazy about it. However, production by Just Blaze & Rawse’s sheep will propel this– at least on late night radio.
12. Cameras Feat. Jon B./Good Ones Go (Interlude)- Easily my favorite track. Impressed is an understatement when it comes to how I feel about him even knowing Jon B.’s Calling On You. Lends to the theory of Drake-ism. Can’t be a gangster listening to Pleasures You Like. Original:
This, ladies and gentlemen, is partially how underrated artists get their due– rediscovery. So, not so bad after all. Jon is an amazing artist, one of my absolute favorites. Click here for the interview I did with Jon B. this summer.
The interlude is a killer.
13. Doing It Wrong (Feat. Stevie Wonder)- What was that? Would you like some more WHINE with that cheese? BUT OF COURSE. THIS TRACK’S ONLY SAVING GRACE IS STEVIE WONDER’S HARMONICA
14. The Real Her (Feat. Andre 3000 and Lil’ Wayne)- Aside from the fact you can barely differentiate Wayne’s voice from Drake’s, it’s pretty cool. Andre 3000 always elevates anything he’s on. #SEEWHATIDIDTHERE #ELEVATORS
15. Look What You’ve Done- Best song on the album. About his mother, uncle & grandmother. Well done.
16. HYFR Feat. Lil Wayne- “Hell Yeah, F*cking Right” should not follow Look What You’ve Done. What is the connection here? Again, lost in the Drayne voice matrix. And it sucks.
17. Practice- We’ve heard this before, circa 12 years ago. With a few more gold teeth, and Mweaves (Man weaves) sprinkled in between.
Practice raises a different question. WHERE’S MANNIE FRESH
18. The Ride Feat. The Weekend- Meh.
Bonuses
Hate Sleeping Alone- Not deplorable. Could’ve replaced one of the 1st 3 songs. Or all of them.
The Motto Feat. Lil’ Wayne & Tyga- The only dance-able cut was relegated to an afterthought. Why is this a bonus & that atrocity HYFR gets to have an album cut? WHO MADE THIS DECISION
Miscellaneous Notes:
- Noticeably, his voice (not style) sounds a lot like Lil’ Wayne. Doesn’t help half of this album consists of his rhymes too.
- He didn’t “Baaaaaaawwww” that much this go around, which is kind of disappointing.
- WHO ARE THESE GIRLS HE KEEPS MESSING WITH
Now that you have been saturated with more references to “OVO” & “XO” than you care to count, do yourself a favor.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Everyone Looks The Same To Me Vol. 26 : REPBULICAN EDITION
On the heels of last night’s rancid Republican debates, I made some astonishing realizations:
- Oh sh*t we are in trouble because (one) of these is the potential Republican nominee.
- There is an awful lot of sexual tension between Mitt Romney & Rick Perry.
- Oh sh*t I dropped a peice of bacon.
- This entire thing is sh*ttily and blatantly racist
Equal parts fear and hilarity moved through me whilst I watched 63 old White men, 1 ex- Rhythym Nation extra & the Token Negro “debate”.
Certainly I could not listen to Ron Paul whine,
but I did notice that he looked remarkably like
none other than
Former star of Road Trip,
and not really a DJ even though his initials are D.J.,
DJ QUALLS
Or,
Will look like Ron Paul
IN APROXIMATELY 388 YEARS
Oh, but that’s not all folks.
YOU GET TWO FOR THE PRICE OF ONE TODAY
The lone Negro here,furthering our race’s setbacks with those comments Herman Cain,
Looks much too much like one of my favorite people
Martin Lawrence
BY THIS ADMISSION, HAS HERMAN CAIN RUINED THE RERUNS OF ONE OF MY FAVORITE SHOWS?
PERHAPS.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Where The Hell Did Time Go Wednesdays- Dru Hill
A wild ride was just had.
Thanks to one of my all-time favorite songs, Beauty (Remix), by Dru Hill featuring Case.
BUT IT MUST BE THE REMIX. Although the tweak is minor, there is a very large difference between that & it’s origional form.
With that said, PREPARE YOURSELVES FOR TODAY’S VIDEO:
Not “Beauty (Remix)”, because there is no such thing.
BUT A VIDEO FOR “TELL ME” DOES EXIST.
LADEIS AND GENTLEMEN, LET’S SKIP TOGETHER
@ :11 No need for me to delve any further on this issue, I’ve already written extensively about it…and it’s symptoms, here.
@ :18 1996, DO YA FEEL ME
@ :57 Looking back, that is quite the bright jacket on quite the big Negro
@1:24 Nokio saw his opportunity for that LL Cool J lip lick AND HE TOOK IT
@ 2:00 Never really forgave Dru obvious & complete Jodeci swagger jack.
@ 3:03 Jailhouse jumpsuit in full effect
@ 3:17 This, of course, was during a time where giving out roses at shows was a mandate
@ 3:49 “Ok Guise, end of the video, WE HAVETO JUMP OUR HIGHEST HERE”
@ 3:50 Slow-mo may have not been the best choice for. That. Frame.Right.There.
Perhaps now this will inspire Dru to film a video for Beauty (Remix)?
…Maybe not.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
New Vid: The Beyonce- Countdown
She’s pregnant. She’s dancing. And most importantly,
She. Ain’t. You.
@ :01 I don’t expect this to be any different from any other
- The Beyonce Video
-Destiny’s Chile Video
-Any video featuring The Beyonce
In that it is all about her, all the time. LEST YOU FORGET
@ :06 “Oh Hai, welcome to American Apparel. What was that? Were you looking for the women’s black turtleneck? Extra Small? I’m sorry, LIL’ WAYNE BOUGHT THEM ALL“
@ :20 New from Radio Shack, The Beyonce Clock.
@ :25 Soooooo, no one else thinks she’s @ least a tad bit insane
@ :45
@ 1:22 Certain this little pink act will spawn numerous youtube parodies of large women in these tiny button ups.
@ 1:49 Drumline
@ 1:55 Not that this makes a difference in the grand scheme of, like, the world, -BUT- right side, purple shirt, Thai wig. Man, Woman, or Strong Features?
Cast your vote.
@ 2:05 Must. Buy. Lavender. Shoes. Before. Men. Buy. All. Our. Sizes.
@ 2:19 “Dutty Wine” revival
@ 2:32 Alleged plagarizm.
@ 2:33 Me. and my Jay. And My Jay-Z riding. All up in that Jay-Z with me right beside Jay-Z
@3:06 The Beyonce gives a nod to The Diana (Rawse)
@ 3:26 Don’t recall The Beyonce’s boobs EVER being that big. Note to self: GET PREGNANT
@ 3:31 And just in case you forgot how beautiful The Beyonce was in the last nanosecond, a not-so-subtle reminder.
Don’t hate it, Don’t love it. Although, I’m certain I’ll have a more difinitve outlook on this after the video has been drilled into my head via MTV, overly aggressive advertisements, and radio spins. Naturally.
Plagarism, Smlagarism.
If The Beyonce doesn’t do it before after you, IT DOES NOT EXIST.
New Edition will find this out shortly, seeing as how the preview to “Love on Top” IS ALREADY OUT.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Where The Hell Did Time Go Wednesdays- DMX
To commemorate the latest use of X’s “Get Out of Jail Free Card”:
Yes, this really is the censored version.
Easily one of X’s best. Songs. EVAR. If you mange not to be distracted by the frilly pants on Dru Hill’s lead singer, or his gratuitous use of dragons, you too, may come to this conclusion.
My high school friends would never let me forget this was the period where I used to “like” Sisqo. I would very much like to.
This came from a time where all music videos seemed to be shot in Harlem, which, somehow, is already 10 years ago.
Funny, because 10 is also the number of kids Earl Simmons has. Naturally we’ll learn more about this in an (alleged) upcoming DMX reality show. Should be interesting.
ONLY IF THEY PROMISE JA RULE CAN PARTICIPATE TOO.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Heat Lose Bulls Game, Win The Crying Game
Just to clarify– They only specified no crying in baseball.
Says Erik Spoelstra of his team after last night’s loss vs. Chi:
and after a misspelled Dwyane Wade basically fessed up later on in that interview…
I WONDER WHO’S LEFT
This was Bosh mere days ago after the loss vs. Orlando, when they blew a 24 point lead in the 2nd half. That sucks. Especially since they can’t pull it together against their main competitors in the East- Boston, Chicago, & Orlando. Somehow, they remain #3 in the region’s standings.
But this Bulls loss came as the result of a(nother) last second failed buzzer beater by Wade– The Heat are 1-7 when down by 3 points or less in these situations.
If this “team” wants to not get knocked out of round 1 of the playoffs by a possible #6 seed (i.e. Knicks), they’re going to have to:
1. figure out who the leader is
2. pass him the rock in clutch situations
3. get a coach they’ll listen to
4. not cry about losing games on or off camera
Spoelstra was probably just trying to show how much passion his players have, but it backfired– revealing the supply of rattles & Gerber available to them post game.
Whatever, this is funny.
Just to show they’re not alone, I’ve assembled a special edition Miami Heat playlist:
Ja Rule- I Cry
Most anything by Ja Rule would suffice. But definitely this.
Obie Trice- Cry Now
Pretty much nailed it @ :15.
Mary J. Blige- Not Gon’ Cry
…Or they could take the opposite approach…and Exhale.
Justin Timberlake- Cry Me A River
So obvious. So Poingnant.
Bob Marley- No Woman No Cry
No Chris Bosh, No Cry.
After all that fanfare,
And sh*t they were talking, these guys should be able to step up and pull it together. They need time to gel, but…
They look as out of control as
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Hilarity Pt. 39- Sarah Palin Is Good Masturbation Material
At least according to America’s favorite self- toucher, Tracy Morgan:
This came during TNT’s Knicks/Heat (#BeattheHeat) pregame when Barkley commented that this ballsack Sarah Palin was pretty.
Tracy’s always good for the hearty laugh.
Then TNT issued an apology.
Not that anyone cared.
Not that this one line was funnier than his most recent comedy special.
Not that this action will ever stop Morgan’s insanity
…or his thoughts of Alaska’s former governor accompanied by Vaseline.
Aight, chief.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Kanye West Vs. Matt Lauer?
Not necessarily expecting a “vs.” in between those two names. Nonetheless…
Whenever news anchors do that “sit-down-and-lemme-explain-to-you-what-the-f*ck-I-had-to-deal-with-here-before-I-introduce-every-clip” thingy, it usually means it wasn’t good.
Or was bizarre.
Orgionally I wanted to file this under “Hilarity”, but then I didn’t want to diminish what Kanye was saying, because he had some valid points.
But a lot of it was funny.
It starts @ :28 when Bush plunks his hands on the table beside the glass of water he’ll soon put his teeth in to demonstrate just how frustrated he was with Mr. West.
It ends @ :55 when Lauer points all the sh*t that has went miserably, extremely, disgustingly wrong in Bush’s 8 year dictatorship of this country.
When it was released last week that Bush named Kanye’s outburst as his most damming moment as president, that should’ve set off a loud f*ckin alarm to, like, everyone to not vote the whole f*cking House red.
Kanye shouldn’t have apologized just because this raisin came on the Today show 5 years after Katrina, still whining about what the rapper/producer said. When Ye made that statement, he hit the nail on the head– the country was teeming with frustration -the blatant disrespect & disregard shown to the people of New Orleans & the Gulf states- who were trapped while Bush was doing this:
Cutting cake on an Air Force Base with a f*cking fossil.
I’ve never been President.
BUT
I gather there are some instances where you’ve gotta stop whatever the f*ck you were doing & tend to the country. They include:
- More crop circles
- Another Fantasia album
- 1/3 of your empire is under f*cking water and no one can do anything about it.
Maybe it’s just me.
What’s most notable about this entire ordeal is that Lauer still thought Kanye would return for their Thanksgiving-y show in a couple of weeks.
Any moron with two peanuts in their brain could gather that after this performance this would not happen. Just to be sure, Kanye Tweeted it this morning.
Lesson:
- West shouldn’t have apologized
- The Taylor footage obviously struck a nerve
- In Kanye’s defense, Meredith was a little witchy at the end.
- This many Black people have never cared about the Today Show. Ever.
There. It’s settled.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Hilarity Pt. 30- The Weather Is A Dick
A weather report from San Angelo, Texas goes horribly awry. Horribly. Awry.
Perhaps the most important part of this is not the weatherc*ck’s appearance. It’s a fleeting look of ecstasy appears over this man’s face @ :12.
How did this happen?
Who cares. It’s about time listening to these things got interesting. An overtly sexualized map? How come no one thought of this before? Take note, Weather Channel.
By far the best comment on this vid: “Mexico is going to be hot & sticky”
Who doesn’t appreciate naturally occurring penis shaped things?
Indeed.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Why “The View” Is F**ked, Reason #786 (The Bill O’Reilly Edition)
Bill O’ Reilly was on “The View” this morning. This is what happened.
What a mess.
No doubt the Mosque issue is a sensitive one.
Bill O’Reilly is a frozen head from 1760 polarizing figure. You have to watch him to know what he’s saying, but not for too long, you’ll lose brain matter. No matter the topic, he will find a way to dredge up the brimstone in you. Unless, of course, you’re Dipset.
The View is composed of a bunch of cackling b***hes.
Like oil and water, or like whatever two elements you mix together to go “BOOM!”, it should have already been known
by the talent booker
by the producers
by the doorman
by O’ Reilly’s nose hairs
that this was going to get out of hand.
Whoopi was out of pocket during Mel KKK Gibsongate, and now this. Even though O’Reilly is a sh*tty, sh*tty person– it was still an interview. Her and the older Ginger shouldn’t have walked out. The audience seemed confused too– they cheered @ 1:36, then again when Thelma & Louise Ginger & Dread walked off of the stage. You can’t agree with both. This only tells me that the audience is comprised of exactly what I thought it was: squirrel monkeys.
Whatever.
The bigger issue here is why Whoopi looks pregnant.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Miami PD Says Jay-Z Is A Gangbanger. And Draws A Picture Of It
So Jay-Z’s raps reflect… Jay-Z. Especially then.
But, like, in September, Jay accomplished a tiny feat… one you might have heard of:
Shawn Carter came a long way. The Beyonce is also married to him.
Not to say that
a.) America’s rich do not commit crimes
b.) Sharing a Forbes cover with Warren Buffet makes one any less of a criminal (if one does, indeed, participate in criminal activity)
c.) Being on a Forbes cover at all automatically vindicates one of any wrongdoing (In fact, it’s probably what got them there in the first place)
but this sh*t is definitely wrong.
Good F*ckin Grief.
This is only a stark reminder that racism, stereotyping, racial profiling, prejudice, biggotry, and a Jim Jones/Jay beef are still very much alive and prevalent.
or
That a gang comprised of 2 Jay-Zs, a Mexican crossdresser, an Asian & a bat-wielding Ginger kid is coming to get you.
Miami might be mad with the Jiggaman,
-Perhaps he’s disrespected their night club couches a time or two
-Perhaps he had a hand in Dwayne Wade’s preseason injury
-Perhaps he’s actually be a law-abiding citizen who no longer rolls with entourages that blow weed every where they go and carry an artillery with them.
-Perhaps he owns property in Miami, which allows him to pay taxes there, which allows those very policemen to protect Jay-Z from…Jay-Z
-Perhaps he’s a successful Black man who capitalized on the American Dream.
-Perhaps they’re still mad at him for this:
Whatever the case may be, the Miami Police Department removed the banner from their website. It’s too late, it already lives on the “internets”.
MPD Spokesperson Naiper Velazquez they were going to contact the IT department to find out who drew this with KidPix the picture’s origins.
I wonder where?
Tiger’s Balls
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Too easy.
How many 7th-grade jokes can be made about this un-photoshoppepd masterpiece?
This picture was snapped by a genius who was actually standing in a really sh*tty place. Mark Pain (Not to be confused with “T”)
of the U.K.’s Daily Mail happened to be standing there. This took place in the future over the weekend during the Ryder Cup in Whales.
Don’t let the “Where’s Waldo’s Mustache” dude in the corner distract you. Write all of your tacky jokes below now, please.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
The Social Network Was F*cking Good
Tonight, my roommate Turkey and I just finished watching “The Social Network”.
Like average citizens, we waited until opening weekend.
Like average citizens, we bought our tickets and overpriced death accelerators movie snacks.
Like average citizens, I watched a toothless woman shuffle out of the stall I was waiting on tell me there was no more toilet paper we waited on line to use the bathroom after the film was done.
I can’t do it.
-At least-
The Social Network was f*cking good.
Admittedly, this theater visit was fulled by my love for Justin Timberlake. I returned with much more.
This is the story of the “Mark Zuckerberg Production”, in college at the same time I was. The world’s youngest Billionaire and his closest friend invent a pop culture phenomenon the internet’s coolest stalking device. It attracts the attention of Sean Parker -co-conspirator of Shawn Fanning- the brains behind Napster who went to Northeastern (my f*ckin school) a decade earlier.
Even though I didn’t feel like punching someone in the mouth because I sat still for two hours, the thoughts that had been lurking in my subconscious darted to the forefront.
What the f*ck am I doing?
There I sat.
The wee months of 2004.
Nicole Vazquez‘s Harvard dorm room.
Her 7,000th time hammering me to “Get on Facebook” (then, only open to Boston-area college students and not any f*cking weirdo with an internet connection, a mirror, & a cameraphone) After refusing so much,
on try 7,001 I signed up, and never looked back.
There were no outlandish differences between Mark Zuckerberg and myself. Save his computer programming skills, my mind (minus the 1600 SAT score) works similarly.
It has only been a couple of years since I left college, yet the angst of graduating into an unstable economy still haunts me. For the longest time, I thought I was crystal clear on the career path I’d chosen, having found a love for it while at Northeastern.
Just about all of my work experience has been in this one field and, as you can imagine, going from wanting to do something so bad, then not wanting to do it at all is sh*tty harrowing. It also f*cks with your head. What I do now is not my career. What I have to say about my job is not important. Though I feel I certainly should be farther along in it.
I’m agitated by the rat race of the MTA, the disgusting guys who hang out on corners and ask if I “put lip gloss on them sh*s”, and not being able to find a decent vegetable in a Black neighborhood that hasn’t been soaked in Mazola.
I can’t do it.
I once had dreams of going to law school. This was recently echoed in a conversation with an obnoxious friend by the name of Shane Dayqwanna Lloyd.
He’s in grad school at Brown, learning about lobotomies & how to perform them with chopsticks.
Shane: “Well didn’t you wanna go back to school? All of your friends are back in higher education. Why aren’t you??”
Me: “This is something I need to be sure of before I dig myself deeper into the sh*tter with Sallie Mae. And 3 more years.”
Shane: “Well, you’re not getting any younger. And you’re kinda smart. It’s time for you to move up to the Ivy leagues.”
Me: “Ass*ole.”
Of course I can’t immediately think of anything I’d like to do, but I know what I don’t want to be:
-This
-Manure scooper
-Prostitute
-Problem Drinker
-African American Haberdasher
-Police Officer
-Accountant
-Anything having anything to do with math, counting, sequences, or even saying numbers
-Anything involving Pee-Wee Herman. Or Fantasia.
Zuckerberg’s character noted he “couldn’t” go back to Caribbean night at Alpha Epsilon Pi.
I can’t do it either.
I have the passion. I have the talent. I have the intelligence. And I want to invent some widely successful & popular sh*t.
There’s something greater I’ve got to get.
As quoted from my (very Jamaican) father to me in our conversation last week:
“Where do I go from here?”
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Lil’ Wayne Sends SI ANOTHER Open Letter
Last week, Lil’ Wayne penned an open letter to Sports Illustrated on his picks for the U.S. Open.
This clearly perturbs… everyone. Say no more, I’ve managed to get my hands on a draft copy of what Weezy really meant to say:
N****az watch tennis too.
Obviously, I wrote this entire thing on a ruler, since the Valium does not allow me to pay attention to what I’m doing for very long. I don’t know why they’d let something like a ruler in a prison. Thank God I’m alone. Anyway, I wanted to let SI know that I’m a big fan of all the famous tennis players, even the ones who aren’t even really playing anymore. Any bog name you’ve got, I’m a fan of. Especially Nadal! I had the smartest member of Young Money, Drake, Google all his stats, and then read them to me over the phone. Happy to report, I did not get phone checked. It was at his suggestion that I use the phrase “pulled out”.
With that said, I <3 Nadal.
Oops, I went this whole letter without mentioning the William’s sisters. Whoop, there it is.
P.S.: I could not spell check this letter. Let a n*gga slide.
P.P.S.: Enclosed is a self portrait taken a while back. Please feel free to republish.
Truthfully Yours,
Lil’ Weezy, aka Weezy F. Baby
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Where The Hell Did Time Go Wednesdays- Blink 182
Craving the innocence packaged in the ’90′s I see every morning in reruns of “Saved By The Bell”,
this was more than appropriate.
11 years since this came out and it still makes you giggle like you’ve seen it for the first time.
Who doesn’t enjoy the vid that singlehandedly encompassed all tawdry, obnoxious Pop stereotypes of the decade and rolled them into one?
This obviously means that quality+catchy song x lots of MTV TRL airplay= awkward White boy acceptance.
I like that equation.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
