Category Archives: The Pied Piper of R & Pee
The Pied Piper of R & Pee Writes A Book
Would you read a book authored by
this guy?
If you hadn’t heard by now, R. Kelly wants to write a book. For other people to read. And consequently learn something from?
The Pied Piper of R and Pee is getting help understanding how a book actually works co- authoring his memoirs along with David Ritz because he ‘s guilty about something and wants to reveal it? he can draw the pictures and then David could magically translate them into weird little symbols that appear when pens are legibly applied to paper.
But how can this be? There was a time where Kellz proclaimed his utter disdain for the English language, let alone being able to visualize some of it with ink & paper. It’s all coming back to me now…
This begs the question:
What could the title of these memoirs be? Possible best-seller ideas are below:
I Like to Pee, by R. Kelly co- authored by David Ritz
Are You Sure You’re 18? By R. Kelly, co- authored by David Ritz
I’m Way Too Old to Be A Guest At Chuck-E-Cheese Without Having Kids of My Own, By R. Kelly, co-authored by David Ritz
Trapped In The Closet Part 463, But This Time I Wrote It Down Only, By R. Kelly, co authored by David Ritz
Once Upon A Teenage Ass, By R. Kelly, co authored by David Ritz
How To Commit Crime, Be Guilty, Sing About It with B2K & Still Be Free, By R. Kelly, co-authored by David Ritz
Thoia Thoing By R. Kelly, co- authored by David Ritz
Don’t Look Up To Me, I Am Not A Role Model, By R. Kelly, co authored by David Ritz
I Was Entirely Too Old To Have Braids with Coolio, Why Didn’t My Friends Tell Me This Was A Bad Idea, By R. Kelly, co- authored by David Ritz
Its comical alone that David Ritz guy is attaching his name to this–he has written biographies & co-authored the autobiographies of some of music’s biggest legends.
No matter what the title actually is, that’s exactly what it’s going to look like.
However, inside the pages, R. Kelly says he will go through many personal details, including that infamous trial.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JMOCoc67AEo
By far the funniest aspect of this whole thing is that this seemingly shining beacon of Journalism, Tavis Smiley, will be publishing it through his own imprint, SmileyBooks in 2011.
Something to think about?
Perhaps you too can come up with some title ideas?
Love,
*Ms. Officer
‘I’m Just R.O.B. Funnyman.’
If you watched the monstrosity that was R. Kelly’s interview w/ Touré (by no fault of his, R. Kelly’s totally) you’d know that is one of the most talkinest-in-circles negroes ever.
Touré : ‘So do u like teenage girls’
R.O.B.: ‘What you mean teenage’
Touré : ‘Like underage girls’
R.O.B: ‘Define girls.’
& That is how the entire thing went.
There’s way too much going on on his jacket.
R.O.B: ‘You can’t be found guilty after you been found innocent’
Touré: ‘Ok’
R.O.B.: ‘Just guilty of being innocent’
I bet you Kells walked away from that interview thinkin he said some pretty profound shit.
Touré: ‘So…this won’t happen again. Is that what you’re saying?’
‘R.O.B.: ‘This interview will never happen again’
Oh. So R. Kelly did not pinkie swear that he won’t be caught up in some underage girl again. Just that he won’t be with anyone illegal meaning immigrants or that giving any more of these interviews.
Well, @ least he cut his hair.
The Pied Piper of R & Pee
Will be on BET Tonight talkin bout how he narrowly widely escaped the jaws of the law & slithered onto/into someone else in his 1st post- trial interview since he was found not guilty on 14 counts of child pornography. May I remind you that decsision came exactly 3 years to the day 
Ghostman himself got off (haha no pun intended). But it’ll be interesting to see what it is R. Kelly has to say about the accusations, threats & malarky that ensued during those years that he evaded going to court.
In my very own hypothesis I believe this man took a series of well calculated steps that brought him to the vindication of all these charges. I even wrote an op-ed piece on it, which I got a pretty good grade on. Allow me to share it with you (the abridged version, of course):
5 Steps To Being a Guilty R. Kelly But A Not Convicted R. Kelly
1. R. Kelly stuck with the formula that made him a star. His first official song he released after the whole scandal surfaced was 2003’s Ignition. This whole trial/rapist thing clearly hadn’t deterred him from talking about sex. There is a fine line between genius and insanity & he is tap dancing all over it. Kells was talking about putting his key in some girls ‘ignition’. Yet another reference and comparison of women to cars involving sex. Not to mention the wildly successful Dave Chappelle parody that accompanied it:
And what was with the mask he was running around with? The song went to number 2 on the Billboard US Hot 100 & R&B charts, fans were anticipating (and bootlegging) album, Chocolate Factory. This grabbed his entire audience. +1.
2. Step In The Name Of Love was for the older folk, or the “Grown and Sexy” as he referred to them (easily one of the most overused phrases). Kelly took that good ol’ Chicago steppin’ phenomenon nationwide, and now all of a sudden the whole county thought they were from Illinois. Not only did it become the dance instructional, it was the song that ended every party.
“Step, Step/Side To Side/ Left, Right/ Dip Now/Separate/Bring It Back/ Lemme See You Do/ The Love Slide”. I definitely hopped up every time I heard it and did as he instructed. R. Kelly won the approval of his elders. +2.
3. Kells teamed up with what was the biggest boy band on earth, the now defunct B2K and Nickelodeon mainstay Nick Cannon. R. Kelly played it safe. As many tweens & teenage girls did, I too loved them. He produced their explosive songs Bump, Bump, Bump and Girlfriend.
and
Feelin’ Freaky featured Nick Cannon and gripped the most lucrative and profitable group of people one could ask for, screaming teenage girls. We bought all that crap and loved it. How could he go wrong with these cute little boys? (Hahah)
Can I Ball? Please?
The very group he harmed was the same that embraced him all over again. This was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Damn! Kells foiled me! +5
4. 3 years out from originally being charged, he released Happy People/U Saved Me. You can never go wrong praising the good Lord. U Saved Me became one of my favorite songs at the time. Happy People gave us more of that Chi-town stepping music we were strung out for. What is R. Kelly doing in the Gospel section? He’s winning with the Gospel community and again with the grown and sexy old folks.
5. These skits called Trapped In The Closet Parts 1-12 originally released in 2005 had to have been some of the stupidest shit I’d seen in a while. The story kept finding ways to become increasingly obnoxious, including a wife’s tryst with a gay cop. Somehow a midget with a feather boa makes his way into the equation. Another R. Kelly production is successful, even if it looks like it was shot with my digital camera for community access TV.
How does he sing ‘Oh Shit’
It didn’t hurt that his albums TP 3: Reloaded and his Double Up were wildly successful.
But I think this easily sums it all up. I feel like this actually happened in the courtroom:
With all of this history built up, it is hard to indict R. Kelly. His celebrity allowed him to flirt with the justice system. Hell, I’m even guilty of checking to see if he was coming to a city near me for a chance to nab tickets. I don’t want to like his music because there is no question that what he’s done is wrong. But he has managed to trick myself and the rest of the public with his hypnotic melodies and talent.
Damn.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
