Category Archives: Shiftee
Everyone Looks The Same To Me Vol. 26 : REPBULICAN EDITION
On the heels of last night’s rancid Republican debates, I made some astonishing realizations:
- Oh sh*t we are in trouble because (one) of these is the potential Republican nominee.
- There is an awful lot of sexual tension between Mitt Romney & Rick Perry.
- Oh sh*t I dropped a peice of bacon.
- This entire thing is sh*ttily and blatantly racist
Equal parts fear and hilarity moved through me whilst I watched 63 old White men, 1 ex- Rhythym Nation extra & the Token Negro “debate”.
Certainly I could not listen to Ron Paul whine,
but I did notice that he looked remarkably like
none other than
Former star of Road Trip,
and not really a DJ even though his initials are D.J.,
DJ QUALLS
Or,
Will look like Ron Paul
IN APROXIMATELY 388 YEARS
Oh, but that’s not all folks.
YOU GET TWO FOR THE PRICE OF ONE TODAY
The lone Negro here,furthering our race’s setbacks with those comments Herman Cain,
Looks much too much like one of my favorite people
Martin Lawrence
BY THIS ADMISSION, HAS HERMAN CAIN RUINED THE RERUNS OF ONE OF MY FAVORITE SHOWS?
PERHAPS.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
NY Rep. Christopher Lee Wants You To Know He Sexts Too
Everyone Looks The Same To Me.
Christopher Lee Sexting
Atlanta sicko sexter Eddie Long.
Craigslist, notorious playground for psycos, stalkers &…sexters spawned this NY rep. to deliver a topless picture of himself to…a W4M.
Christoper Lee is a 46 year-old Buffalo area Republican who
-Takes pride in his graying chest hair
-Likes to take photos in front of his children’s completed puzzles
-Wants you to admire his bulging flex.
Or growing fist pump.
Or b*tchin’ bod.
If I had a bottle of pasta sauce that was being troublesome, I wouldn’t nominate he open it for me.
No worries, buffalo in Buffalo, he resigned and apologized immediately after the pics & “flirty” e-mails were released. The 34 year-old unidentified recipent was looking to get herself stuffed inside someone’s freezer by using Craigslist for proof the creepesters men on the site did not “look like toads”.
Instead of just announcing himself as “I’m married Rep. Christopher Lee. My pic is up on my site that ends in house.gov, so you know I’m legit. That’s me in front of the White House. If you like, press yes if you think I don’t look like a toad.” He chose to wow her. With this. And his use of the most nauseating emoticon 
“”Hope I’m not a toad. i’m a very fit fun classy guy,” he wrote. “6ft 190lbs blond/blue. 39. Lobbyist. I promise not to disappoint anyone but my family and my constituents. And my district.”
(Quote courtesy NY Daily News)
Certainly these types of scandals are not new because of the internet. They’re everybody’s business because of the internet.
Mission accomplished. I’m glad he looks up to people who too have walked similar roads, like former NY rep Eric Massa.
“W. 19. Black/Dark Brown. I hoe I don’t look like a toad.”
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Public Farts
Are defined as “everywhere you’re subject to other people in close proximity & confined spaces.”
Trains
Checkout lines
Banks
Here
Fact of the matter is, we’re all subject to it once we leave our houses.
and it is Randy.
This may seem like no big deal, but in those 30-45 seconds when your breathing air gets rudely interrupted, can feel like a putrid eternity.
Such was the scene of this morning’s crime.
The D train was where remnants of someone’s last (unpleasant) meal were released into my nostrils.
I narrow my eyes. The odor invades my nose. Someone nearby has farted. Perhaps not loudly, but it smells deafening.
It was a lot less crowded than usual, but there is a simple formula anyone can use anywhere:
Fart Probability= Sq. Ft. x # Of People + What They Ate – Ventilation
As the # of people increases, so does your Fart Probability.
There’s nothing worse than when this moment intersects with an open mouth.
Many times the gas is intrusive, obnoxious. Often times I am able to readily identify the offender, simply by sending an angry glare:
to the old Chinese woman with 6 bags of fish
to the White businessman figuring out which way to read the Times
to the fat Black dude
to the child
thereby putting the adage “whoever smelt it, dealt it” to rest.
Today, I’ve had enough.
What kind of person are you to fart in a place with no escape?
What sanctions are appropriate for this offense?
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Kanye West Vs. Matt Lauer?
Not necessarily expecting a “vs.” in between those two names. Nonetheless…
Whenever news anchors do that “sit-down-and-lemme-explain-to-you-what-the-f*ck-I-had-to-deal-with-here-before-I-introduce-every-clip” thingy, it usually means it wasn’t good.
Or was bizarre.
Orgionally I wanted to file this under “Hilarity”, but then I didn’t want to diminish what Kanye was saying, because he had some valid points.
But a lot of it was funny.
It starts @ :28 when Bush plunks his hands on the table beside the glass of water he’ll soon put his teeth in to demonstrate just how frustrated he was with Mr. West.
It ends @ :55 when Lauer points all the sh*t that has went miserably, extremely, disgustingly wrong in Bush’s 8 year dictatorship of this country.
When it was released last week that Bush named Kanye’s outburst as his most damming moment as president, that should’ve set off a loud f*ckin alarm to, like, everyone to not vote the whole f*cking House red.
Kanye shouldn’t have apologized just because this raisin came on the Today show 5 years after Katrina, still whining about what the rapper/producer said. When Ye made that statement, he hit the nail on the head– the country was teeming with frustration -the blatant disrespect & disregard shown to the people of New Orleans & the Gulf states- who were trapped while Bush was doing this:
Cutting cake on an Air Force Base with a f*cking fossil.
I’ve never been President.
BUT
I gather there are some instances where you’ve gotta stop whatever the f*ck you were doing & tend to the country. They include:
- More crop circles
- Another Fantasia album
- 1/3 of your empire is under f*cking water and no one can do anything about it.
Maybe it’s just me.
What’s most notable about this entire ordeal is that Lauer still thought Kanye would return for their Thanksgiving-y show in a couple of weeks.
Any moron with two peanuts in their brain could gather that after this performance this would not happen. Just to be sure, Kanye Tweeted it this morning.
Lesson:
- West shouldn’t have apologized
- The Taylor footage obviously struck a nerve
- In Kanye’s defense, Meredith was a little witchy at the end.
- This many Black people have never cared about the Today Show. Ever.
There. It’s settled.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Why “The View” Is F**ked, Reason #786 (The Bill O’Reilly Edition)
Bill O’ Reilly was on “The View” this morning. This is what happened.
What a mess.
No doubt the Mosque issue is a sensitive one.
Bill O’Reilly is a frozen head from 1760 polarizing figure. You have to watch him to know what he’s saying, but not for too long, you’ll lose brain matter. No matter the topic, he will find a way to dredge up the brimstone in you. Unless, of course, you’re Dipset.
The View is composed of a bunch of cackling b***hes.
Like oil and water, or like whatever two elements you mix together to go “BOOM!”, it should have already been known
by the talent booker
by the producers
by the doorman
by O’ Reilly’s nose hairs
that this was going to get out of hand.
Whoopi was out of pocket during Mel KKK Gibsongate, and now this. Even though O’Reilly is a sh*tty, sh*tty person– it was still an interview. Her and the older Ginger shouldn’t have walked out. The audience seemed confused too– they cheered @ 1:36, then again when Thelma & Louise Ginger & Dread walked off of the stage. You can’t agree with both. This only tells me that the audience is comprised of exactly what I thought it was: squirrel monkeys.
Whatever.
The bigger issue here is why Whoopi looks pregnant.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Miami PD Says Jay-Z Is A Gangbanger. And Draws A Picture Of It
So Jay-Z’s raps reflect… Jay-Z. Especially then.
But, like, in September, Jay accomplished a tiny feat… one you might have heard of:
Shawn Carter came a long way. The Beyonce is also married to him.
Not to say that
a.) America’s rich do not commit crimes
b.) Sharing a Forbes cover with Warren Buffet makes one any less of a criminal (if one does, indeed, participate in criminal activity)
c.) Being on a Forbes cover at all automatically vindicates one of any wrongdoing (In fact, it’s probably what got them there in the first place)
but this sh*t is definitely wrong.
Good F*ckin Grief.
This is only a stark reminder that racism, stereotyping, racial profiling, prejudice, biggotry, and a Jim Jones/Jay beef are still very much alive and prevalent.
or
That a gang comprised of 2 Jay-Zs, a Mexican crossdresser, an Asian & a bat-wielding Ginger kid is coming to get you.
Miami might be mad with the Jiggaman,
-Perhaps he’s disrespected their night club couches a time or two
-Perhaps he had a hand in Dwayne Wade’s preseason injury
-Perhaps he’s actually be a law-abiding citizen who no longer rolls with entourages that blow weed every where they go and carry an artillery with them.
-Perhaps he owns property in Miami, which allows him to pay taxes there, which allows those very policemen to protect Jay-Z from…Jay-Z
-Perhaps he’s a successful Black man who capitalized on the American Dream.
-Perhaps they’re still mad at him for this:
Whatever the case may be, the Miami Police Department removed the banner from their website. It’s too late, it already lives on the “internets”.
MPD Spokesperson Naiper Velazquez they were going to contact the IT department to find out who drew this with KidPix the picture’s origins.
I wonder where?
Ring The Alarm: Bishop Eddie Long Accuser Jamal Parris Speaks Out, Finally
Good Grief.
At first I didn’t want to touch this, but
after watching this video:
1st: Don’t trust any Negro outside of 1988 with a Jheri Curl.
2nd: Don’t trust any Negro donned in UnderArmour who doesn’t actually f*ckin play football.
3rd: Don’t trust any grown Negro who takes pictures of himself in a bathroom (I hope those are his flip-flops)
4th: Does this remind anyone (else) of Lil’ Wayne & Baby?
5th: Don’t trust any Negro whose last name is Long & accused of sexually abusing 4 (& possibly more) teen boys & “pulls out” of a Tom Joyner interview that could’ve possibly helped him.
Yikes.
I really do hope this whole thing isn’t true. But damn.
Where’s Chris Hansen when you need him?
Love,
*Ms. Officer
New Song Smell: Jay-Z Feat. Chris Martin- Most Kings/ Kanye West x Raekwon x Justin Beiber- Runaway Love (Remix)
Green Lantern did it.
Download Jay-Z & Chris Martin- Most Kings Here
Download Kanye x Raekwon x Beiber- Runaway Love (Remix)
Unbelievable. It doesn’t sound like sh*t. Mainly because this whole song (along with the lyrics) is comprised of a Jodeci & Wu Tang collabo.
Beiber is still a toolbox though. It’s all Usher’s fault.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Hilarity Pt. 16- See Brett Favre’s Dong
In light of the recent a-married-Brett-Favre-sexts-some-chick-who’s-kinda-famous–but-not-really-and-20-years-his-junior, someone remixed Lionel Richie’s “All Night Long” to properly encompass what Favre was thinking– the moment he decided to send Jenn Sterger pics of his schlong. (Why ruin the rhyme scheme?)
I especially appreciate the collage.
…but this signifies it’s time to hang it up.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
What Mel Gibson Needs:
He’s Racist.
He’s Anti-Semitic.
He’s Sexist.
He’s Mel Gibson.
And he’s in the middle of a nasty custody battle with his babymamma, Oksana Grigorieva, over their 8 month old daughter, Lucia. In case you’ve been too busy snorting coke, last week we heard he was rumored to have lit into her with a string of obscenities, fit for a cronie of Glenn Beck.
Here’s the newest tape, released today:
Here’s the tape released over the weekend:
Obviously this man savage has a couple of issues. What do you think this wildebeest needs in order to mellow out & join hands with the love train?
(Could somebody put some lotion on this n****’s knuckles?)
1. Hang Out With Dipset
No trip to Harlem is complete without eating at Sylvia’s, visiting The Apollo Theater, attending the Schomburg, and of course, hangin’ with the Dips.
See? Even Cam & Jimmy can hold hands so Juelz can jump rope.
Perhaps listening to a Hell Rell album could help Gibson’s understanding of the Black experience? Perhaps cutting an album would help channel some of that frustration lunacy?
2. Get A Lap Dance
Nothing says “I respect women” more than patronizing all the lovely services they have to offer. Gibson should pick his favorite (equal opportunity) topless bar and enjoy the ride.
Besides, you have to support anyone who “uses what they got to get what they want”.
3. Penny Pinch
Perhaps one of the Jewiest qualities around, Gibson better not squander his close-to-billion dollar fortune. He’s going to need every cent for the libel to defend him from the backlash these comments (and other) allegations will cause. The Blacks The Jews went after him before, and will see to it that Gibson (literally) pays.
Ari Emmanuel didn’t like this use of the n-word very much, and finally dropped Mel from the William Morris Agency. Didn’t Emmanuel refuse Wesley Snipes a script because he said “Blacks don’t swim”? They don’t though, right?
4. Get Racially Profiled
Nothing says “we think [Insert 5-letter adjective here] don’t have nice things” “Negro” more than a routine traffic stop of a Black man in a nice semi-decent barely functioning car.
5. Enroll in Scared Straight Program
Well, I think that says all that needs to be said.
Being Mel Gibson is hard. As a blue-eyed white male, no one truly understands his struggle. The pressures of being an A list Hollywood actor, minimal financial woes (and by minimal I mean not having change for $10,000) how could we not see the world from his perspective? Shame on…everyone else who realized 1865 happened, the Civil Rights Movement occurred, and it’s f*ckin retarded to be racist, sexist and bigoted.
One thing is for sure.
Nobody was googling Mel Gibson like they were Taylor Lautner before this…
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Well Lookie Lookie…
This has been quite the convict week. What do Lindsay Lohan, OJ Simpson, & Glenn Beck have in common? Besides sucking?
They all IMMENSELY suck.
1. OJ getting married.
Never mind the fact that he has a spotty guilty past, This [Insert 5-letter adjective here] is about to get married again. This time to some chick psycho named Ana he never met. He saw a picture of her, and it reminded him of Nicole Brown.
How does an incarcerated OJ even know this woman?
They’re f*cking pen pals.
Aside from the fact that it’s no longer 1876, this is ludicrous. Wouldn’t necessarily call OJ the “marrying type.”
2. Lindsay Lohan and the Long Arm of the Law.
This girl is a cokewhore. She’s proven it to us time & time again.
Donning “fuck you” nails at her court trial yesterday, Lohan had the nerve to say her 90-day sentence for all the reckless sh*t she did was a “violation of human rights”.
Oscar Grant is a violation of human rights.
The thing is, she’ll probably end up only doing 3 weeks.
1st you have to be a human in order for your rights to be violated.
The self-proclaimed “Milkaholic” is set to do jail time, beginning July 20th. What other “-aholics” can you come up with for Lindsay?
I’ve got 3:
“Alch-”
“Adderol-”
“Skank-”
It’s gotten to the point where her lawyer Shawn Chapmann Holley quit. Perhaps she was tired of Lohan making her look like she can’t control her client? Black people don’t like to be embarrassed.
3. Glenn Beck U.
A guy takes one theology class at Yale & drops out, and he thinks he can start a university? Joining the ranks of ITT Tech, Apex, DeVry & Clown College, Beck is opening up a 9-part online course on his website. I refuse to post the link.
Perhaps one of the most non-embodying types of what the word university actually means, the hate-monger-er should be the last
(one of the last)
people things to get a school.
Then again…how different is this than tuning into Beck daily on Fox, or on the radio?
Oh. You pay $74.95 a year.
At least Sallie Mae won’t live in your ass.
At least, in light of the LeBron James soap Opera, Pat Riley =
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Hotel Rooms– Always a Bad Idea
1st, they said Al Gore raped groped someone in a hotel room.
Then they said Al Gore didn’t bother anybody in a hotel room.
Now they say A l Gore did harass someone in a hotel room.
Well, which one is it??
The city of Portland is reopening a case stemming from 2006 where the former Vice President allegedly groped a woman, in a hotel room. Portland police previously closed the case because they claimed there was no evidence.
What the authorities are not saying is why they’ve reopened it.
You mean to tell me
Was a farce? Perhaps this was even a cover up so he wouldn’t get caught rubbing up on some girls skanks females in the middle of nowhere Oregon?
Shocking.
Or is it?
Like Big Brother cookies tracking your every move on the internet, we can learn from our history.
Enter the ghost of hotel rooms past.
Al Gore should have learned from his predecessors not to do sneaky sh*t in places you have to pay to sleep in.
-Marion Barry
In 1990, the former Mayor of D.C. got arrested caught up for doing crack in a hotel room with his then girlfriend coke whore Hazel “Rasheeda” Moore.
Step 1: Never trust a heifer who has a respectable 1st name, but chooses to go by a less attractive hoodrat pseudonym.
Step 2: From what The Wire told us, D.C. was hell f*cked all-the-way up. Damn. Did Barry have to go down like that, though?
Damage? A 6-month prison stint in October, ’91. And then reelected as mayor in ’95. And the butt (crack) of many jokes for years to come.
- OJ Simpson
Didn’t he assault 2 dudes with a deadly weapon in a hotel room a couple of years back? On tape?
If you don’t remember, click here
Damage? 15 years. That [insert 5-letter adjective here] is definitely 62 years old.
-Eliot Spitzer
The former Governor of New York was a staunch advocate of cleaning up the city’s tax free income hookers. All except for those provided by the Emperor’s Club VIP. First known as only “Kristen”, Ashley Dupre would become the whore Spitz would run away with– to the Mayflower Hotel in Washington.
The same hotel that showed up in the affidavit– they’d wire tapped the phone conversation between himself and the brothel, where he specifically requested Dupre.
Eliot would trick $80,000 of the broke city’s money on this floozy.
Damage? He had to give up his role of Governor to this guy
and gets a new CNN show in the fall.
- Lawrence Taylor
In perhaps the most recent hotel room no-no, Hall of Famer/Ex-Giant Lawrence Taylor, or LT. Dude got caught up in May. At a Holiday Inn. With a 16-year-old girl.
a-la
More on this hairy ass situation here.
Damage? Charged with:
3rd degree statutory rape– Sex with someone under 17, while being waaaay over 21.
3rd degree patronization– A fancy way of saying he paid for an underage hooker.
Taylor has been indicted & faces up to 5 years in the slammer and becoming the newest member of the sex offender registry if convicted.
I recommend Gore & friends take this song off of their “Going Out Mix” immediately.
Al can learn a lot from these cats, and he might still be able to scrape by the law, depending on what’s found.
I’m not jumping to any conclusions though. In his defense, she was a massage therapist.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Condoms For Kids
Your eyes do not deceive you.
Imagine
Happy playing next to each other. In Elementary school.
A public school in Provincetown, MA is getting backlash somehow they didn’t forsee when they authorized giving out condoms to all of their students, even the ones who don’t yet grasp the concept of 2+2.
I was 6 in 1st grade.
At that point you really don’t even understand why you can’t do homework with crayons.
Were kids kissing in the closet then? Yes.
Were kids f*cking in the closet then? Hell no.
But it doesn’t end there. Provincetown School board Chairman Peter Grosso justified the act stuck up for what was probably his idea, saying : “There’s no set age when sexual activity starts.”
Guess who won’t be babysitting anyone else’s kids.
We already are well aware that there’s no set age when you “are supposed” to start having sex.
But, as technology would have it, kids are already sexting. What you don’t want need to do is have the “where do babies come from” conversation all over again, so close to the probable traumatization you’ve caused by not locking your bedroom door the other night with your baby.
At least they won’t just have the condoms next to the forks in the lunchroom– any student who goes to the nurse can receive them, only after “counseling”. Right.
Isn’t the nurse’s office where we used to go when we didn’t want to bullsh*t in class?
Like myself, I’m sending my hypothetical children to private school. At least there, they get to do what ever they want outside of the jurisdiction of most state laws no one will make a big stink about things like this. They’ll just send ‘em to sex ed class.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Lil’ Freak
Just when you thought you’d heard the last from this absolute weirdo,
he resurfaces.
Eric Massa, the NY State politician who got caught with his hand up several of his assistant’s asses resigned earlier this year felt it appropriate to tell us why we should dislike him even more in the new issue of Esquire magazine.
- The congressman said he tried to kill himself, twice, prior to his resignation
- Massa’s beard wife wasn’t too pleased when people started comparing him to Mark Foley– the dude from FL. who was sending nasty texts to teenage boys who worked in the House. She must’ve known his secret was close to being up.
Boooy this sounds familiar, right Chris Stokes?
- A month prior to Massa’s allegations coming to light, he was threatening to tattle some secret plans Dick Cheney had, to get General Petraeus to run for President.
I wasn’t aware that bids for the 2010 Presidential election started in February, 2010.
- After drank himself stupid one night, he did the next logical thing: took an Ambien. Massa was so geeked up, he couldn’t get himself home. And at 4:00AM, in front of the Washington Monument, had to call a staffer to come babysit pick him up.
In light of all the “fun” this dude likes to have, this song is dedicated to Eric Massa:
Glad you resigned too, Massa. Glad you resigned too.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
MotherLover
Originally, I didn’t want to touch this.
My goodness this is too good to pass up.
There once was a young man named LeBron James, who had a mother named Gloria James.
There once was a young man named Delonte West, who had no steady girlfriend or wife.
Lebron played for the Cleveland Cavaliers,
Delonte, too was on the team.
The Cavs just lost to the Boston Celtics in the Eastern Conference semi-finals.
Rumor had it that the Cavs lost the series because the Celts were better because James was distraught over West f***ing his moms.
Wheeew this is a nasty one.
In true PR Lebron fashion, he diplomatically came out and said the hearsay was untrue.
Ok. That was the PC thing to do.
Enter NBA Hall-of Famer, Calvin Murphy.
He made those explosive claims Verified everything on ESPN Radio in Houston.
Fret not, King Queen King James,
there is a simple solution to this. I don’t know why he hasn’t thought of it yet:
Bron Bron needs some Home Improvement.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
