Category Archives: Ring The Alarm
Queen Kobe
In honor of my Celtics taking it to the hole (pause) last night & moving one step up in the 2010 NBA Finals…
I decided to write about Kobe Bryant.
This post is dedicated to 2 very special people, and 2 of the top 5 funniest people I know (and in existence) Maury Turay & David Auguste.
Love these guys.
& These guys have an unhealthy semi-homoerotic ongoing love affair with Kobe Bryant…
and something tells me they’re in luck.
So I dedicate this “Best of Kobe” montage to them:
If you weren’t impressed with his sportsmanship yet…here it comes…
Just when you thought these zesty ass pictures from the L.A. Times died… I went ahead & brought them back.
He took the L on this one. Best part is, I don’t even have to say anything.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
What in Sam Hell? Wyclef?
In the wake of the KFC Double Down,
I see that this monstrosity of a commercial has to go.
Watching The Early Show while getting dressed this morning, this met my eyes on their way up from my boots:
how dreadful.
Wyclef Jean, the most popular Haitan, is fresh from helping his native in their dire time of need. By no way is that on trial here.
The decision to do this commercial is.
Why they got this [insert 5-letter adjective here] dressed like Tony the Tiger doing soft-shoe in the middle of the street?
Wyclef definitely took the L on this one.
The problem isn’t that there are folks of all races enjoying crackers in the street.
The problem is this [insert 5-letter adjective here] is doing a step & fetch with a damn baton over some f*ckin buttered crackers while everyone gapes on.
At a block party.
I’m surprised they didn’t stick a piece of chicken in his hand
I’m surprised he did this.
Yup Charlie Murphy feels the same way.
Just wanted to point out how foolish this commercial looked.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Like this:
Top 5 Pervs You Wouldn’t Want To Get Into In An Elevator With
No matter if you’re a guy or a girl.
Yesterday, Pro Football Hall Of Famer & Ex Giant Lawrence Taylor earned himself a new set of stats:
-Arrested.
- Charged with 3rd degree rape & of a 16 year old girl (the charge also carries patronizing a prostitute as an offense).
-A pimp (allegedly) put the two in contact.
-There is a refusal by Taylor’s camp to admit whether or not he knew how old this girl was.
-Admitted to paying for the sex. $300, to be exact.
-Was at a Holiday Inn in Ramapo, NY where the attack took place.
- Is 51 & actually lives in Pembroke Pines, FL with his wife & kids.
-He has a bald-headed attorney named Arthur Aidala who is entirely too animated.
-Says he was in that area of NY on business.
[Insert 5-letter adjective here] what kind of business you got in Ramapo. NY??
Who ever even heard of Ramapo, NY before today?
In the wake of this whole Lawrence Taylor -hall-of-famer-turned-weird-hazy-night-in-hotel-with-16-year-old-mess, I decided he shouldn’t be alone in this category.
There are many more pervs that no one wants to be bothered with at this…or any point. Without further ado:
Presenting
The Top 5 Pervs We Wouldn’t Want To Get Into An Elevator With:
5. 
Lawrence Taylor. Damn [Insert 5-letter adjective here]. Another decorated sports Black man bites the dust. What is is about money & fame that makes one twist their morals inside out, and completely loose their perception of what’s right & wrong? allowed?
4. Pee Wee Herman
A whole bunch of sh*t that doesn’t go together is the montage for his show? That’s supposed to symbolize whats going on in his head?? If this isn’t an indicator of a creepster, I don’t know what is.
Oh yeah
Did Pee Wee not have that lil’ snafu in a movie theatre in the 1991? And in 2002? Besides, he chose a pseudonym that are both references for urine.
3. This guy:
http://msofficer.com/2010/03/14/underaged-girls-vol-2-0/
2. 
George Rekers. The anti-gay (Christian) activist that rents barely legal boys from…where else? Rentboy.com
(I swear can’t make this sh*t up)
Rekers was seen with the 20-year-old gay escort, Lucien, leaving Miami International Airport 2 weeks ago. When prompted about what the two could possibly have to do with each other, Rekers simply replied that he “was trying to spread a message of love to Lucien”.
Yes. A message of horizontal love.
1. R. Kelly
The mere virtue of the fact that he calls himself “the Pied Piper of R&B” (or R&Pee as I affectionately like to call him) should set off an alarm.
The Pied Piper was a children’s tale of a man who played the flute throughout the town…to attract children. The Pied Piper of Hamlin eventually led the crowd of kids to their death.
All looks the same to me.
Well…
Think of it this way. Chingy had to come back at some point.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Clinton On Welfare
As it turns out, Bill Clinton has a brother, Roger.
This brother, Roger, has a daughter, Macy.
And she’s on food stamps.
Macy says that since a DNA test (you know, the kind they use here):
she took at 6 years old proved Roger was, indeed, her paternal father. She’s only met him a couple of times. He’s also never handed her a dime.
Apparently he promised her a trust fund, using his brother’s money using his old druggie money when Macy turned 18. That hasn’t happened. As a result, Macy feeds herself on a government issued benefits card so she can get free food at her local grocery store.
The mother, Martha Spivey, says she wants to go after the Clinton deadbeat– for upwards of $30,000 in back child support.
Here we have 2 Clinton brothers on our hands.
The good egg, Bill. Former President of the United States. Not once, but twice:
….aaaand this guy:
Haven’t we seen “The Other Sibling Disorder” before?
So Macy should’t feel too alone in this.
However, she is a cosmetology student with (and I quote–Via Huffington Post): “An unspecified part time job.”
What the hell kind of “unspecified part-time job” could a Clinton have?
There’s only 1 of 2 options:
Working for
or working for
Either way, I’m pretty sure talking about this on Inside Edition is not in her job description. She better get back to work.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Laura Bush Killed A Guy
Today, the former 1st Lady, Laura Bush, finally made a public admission that many have known for quite some time:
She killed someone. A young man by the name of Mike Douglas in 1963.
The accident was horrific, and Laura finally opens up about it in her new memoir, Spoken From The Heart.
That is, unless, you had not already heard about it from the place America gets most of their news from…
Family Guy.
And as terrible as that was, I did not find that to be the worst part of what she revealed.
She touched on why her husband didn’t rush down to New Orleans the minute he heard Katrina hit.
Via Newser.com:
George W. only flew over New Orleans after Katrina, she says, because “he did not want one single life to be lost because someone was catering to the logistical requirements” of a visiting president.
You mean to tell me that
Didn’t want to interrupt this
With this??
Busy romancing just-a-then-AZ senator John “Rodeo” McCain. They were enjoying some cake on an airport runway on the kind-of Maverick’s Birthday. Airport runways are the #1 place to eat cake by 100 people surveyed.
How can he possibly be so inconsiderate?
I keep hoping to read that line over & over again & the excuse not be so outlandishly ridiculous, but it isn’t.
Do you think that if this was a Black or newly banned Brown Laura Bush story, it would’ve been different?
Discuss
Love,
*Ms. Officer
The Forbidden Commercial
So I posted about this as it happened, but the truth was, no one wanted to see any fat chicks on TV.
Thank God for the internet.
On this weightless stomping ground, just about anything goes.
If you’re interested, here’s the banned Lane Bryant Giant commercial:
Ew.
Personally, I don’t care to see the Victoria’s Secret commercials. And I damn sure don’t care to see this.
*Ms. Officer
SEC Members Caught Looking At Porn
BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
Haven’t we seen this before?
The Republicans get to be (very temporarily) vindicated and finally get to point the finger at someone else who is f*cking up. Take’s one to know one, right?
Republicans Love Having Phone Sex
Members of the SEC were caught looking at porn on their work computers, while they were supposed to be busy saving the country from an economic meltdown pretending to work.
Canada is laughing in our faces right now. Bet they’re glad they got out of here while they could.
But wait. There’s more. A senior attorney at the SEC’s Washington headquarters spent up to 8 hrs a day looking at & downloading porno. When he ran out of space on his hard drive (no pun intended) he burned more porn to CD’s & DVD’s and kept them in boxes he had stacked all around his office.
He agreed to resign.
Something’s not right here.
Who were the motherf*ckers who were in his office chillin & not smelling or saying anything?
Where was HR during all this?
No sexual harassment complaints after he looked at porn upwards of 8 hrs./day?
You mean to tell me no one went into this dude’s office & saw “Let Me Ram Your Ass Vol. 5″ sitting upright in a box along with its 4 predecessors & no one said anything?
Who interned for him?
I’m pretty sure
would rather spend his days
and
As our lawyer would, than monitoring the stability of the U.S. market & regulating wall street’s reckless deregulated laissez faire spending.
Does no one see the alignment between politicians and rappers??
Allow me to remind you that at my graduation, the speaker was Christopher Cox, then chairman of the SEC. Not even 8 months later ended up at #4 on Time Magazine’s “Top 25 People to Blame For The Financial Crisis”
Nice, NU.
Ricky Martin: Ass Bandit.
Was this really a surprise?
From standing extremely close to another male rump in Menudo, to… well,
Anybody with 2 eyeballs could see that he was uncontrollably homosexual.
Latin & Pop sensation Ricky Martin came out on Monday to the masses, opening up the biggest gay floodgate since Clay Aiken no one. But has he been trying to tell us all along? Through extremely catchy song and popular dance?
Ricky Martin- She He Bangs (Me)
Did South Park not dedicate an entire episode to gay fish?
The other men in the video with their sheer shirts completely unbuttoned don’t necesarily help to dispel the rumors.
Ricky Martin- Private Emotion (Gay)
I can’t. Too easy.
Ricky Martin Feat. Amerie & Fat Joe- I Don’t Care (I Just Wanna Dress Up As Your Girl)
Ok, the gratuitous bodyrolling in the beginning of the video? @1:25 Listen carefully. He tells us. “Crazy boy”
Ricky Martin- Livin’ La Vida Loca Homosessual
Upside inside turn you out
Livin La Vida Homosessual
Ricky Martin- The Cup Of Life Balls
You mean he gets to do a song? About a sport involving lots of men? Running around, sweating on top of each other? & Dance the way he does so freely on that stage? Naah. Nothing’s off.
This next one is easily the best song ever recorded:
Ricky Martin- Maria Mario
Professing his love for one named Maria, yet not going near her once the video. Instead spending it bailando in the street by himself…and in a fountain…and on a stage in a crushed velvet suit with sparkles.
Matter of fact…to come to think of it, Martin kept his interaction with women in his videos to a minimum.
So how can a man like this have kids?
One word.
Fraud.
Let me get the point across– there’s nothing wrong with being gay. But just be gay and don’t deceive or hurt anyone in the process.
Enrique Iglesias has been waiting upwards of a decade for the moment he can claim this spot.
…Some other folks should take Sr. Martin’s advice and open that closet back door:
What do you think?
Love,
*Ms. Officer
This Is Weird. And Gross.
If you guessed Rielle Hunter, you were right.
Former presidential hopeful John Edwards’ baby mamma came out today in a spread for GQ magazine, for which she made sure to let us know she saw not 1 dime cuz Johnny is still paying her off, somewhere in the neighborhood of $150,000 calling it “child support”.
There is nothing remotely suave, appealing, or sexy about a woman who slept with a married man on the campaign trail, accused John’s buddy of fathering the child, then pointing the finger at Edwards himself once it became profitable.
It’s actually the exact opposite.
I don’t possibly see what can be attractive about this woman, so take a look at these odd pictures and decide for yourself:
Dressed in John Edwards’ shirt Was it really a good idea to put this woman in an oversized men’s shirt, seeing as how this is probably part of the whole problem in the first place?
What’s with the midriff and the baby? What, exactly is the situation which calls for both a half-shirt and a toddler?
This is easily the most bizarre picture of the trio. What is it with the stuffed animals and the pantslessness here? Is she trying to send some weird molester-y message here? What do the two have to do with each other?
Aside from John Edwards, does anyone have the desire to see this woman half naked?
She looks like him.
Yikes.
But I digress. If you care to be even more repulsed, here is actual video of the photo shoot.
http://www.gq.com/video?videoID=71716714001
This turns my stomach.
At least until it’s feeding time again.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Underaged Girls Vol. 2.0
I bet you this guy:
Is wiping his brow this week because this fart face,
took most of last week’s political scandal shine.
In yet another blow to the GOP, allow me to introduce Utah’s Republican Senator & House Majority leader Kevin Garn.
His sexual escapades were all but nearly swept under the rug…until I came across it and dragged it back out into the light of day.
Overshadowed by Eric Massa’s inescapably odd sex inappropriate touching of male staffers decades younger than him, the Utah politician managed to scoot by the weekend pretty cleanly.
Garn’s actions were so deplorable, he couldn’t even wait until the weekend’s end to resign, so he just gave up and did it on Saturday.
What were the charges you say? Well let’s take a looksie:
- He fessed up to hot tubbing it up (about 30 years ago) with a naked underage girl who was only 15, (not just kinda underage in some states, like 17 year olds are)
-Garn then paid the teen hush money so she’d keep quiet about their tryst and not cause interfere with his marriage.
-The woman, Cheryl Maher is now 40 and says that the hottub thing happened on more than one occasion during the time she used to babysit for his kids.
That’s like Danny Tanner
getting horizontal with
Kimmy Gibbler.
or like Bob Saget…
….being Bob Saget
Maher says she started contacting various media outlets about it only last week because he stopped paying her she wanted some closure to the whole thing.
Cheryl also says she wrote a letter to the Church of Later Day Saint’s in ’08 detailing their illegal nighttime encounters. The Church investigated and later excommunicated Maher. This woman also claims that Kevin’s wife, Tanya even came with him one time to make a payoff to Maher of $150,000. Cheryl states that Kevin touched her, but won’t elaborate any more on what specifically happened.
Is this what Mormons do in their free time?
But as bizzare as this whole thing is, it takes an even weirder turn. Kevin was Cheryl’s Sunday School teacher. When she was in 4th grade.
How does this man not scream sex offender??
Safe from a skit in this week’s Saturday Night Live, One can only hope this makes it’s way there next week… and certainly onto Colbert & Stewart.
Not for nothing, (whatever that damn phrase means) Kevin Garn need not fret, for he has a true friend in the matter.
One who’s walked the tight rope of accused child molestation and public scrutiny.
One who’s bared the burden of joke after joke, whether it be in live or cartoon form.
One who’s admitted discussed his accusations in one way or another several times over the years.
One who’s pulled themselves up out of the dust and is seemingly living a life of (relative) normalcy and is back to selling like he used to.
Kevin Garn’s next question should be:
What Would R. Kelly Do?
Love,
*Ms. Officer
“I’m Not Gay, Ask My Wife”
Famous last words from yet another New York politician who is making this state look even more asinine in the eyes of…well, everywhere else.
Eric Massa, you didn’t think I was gonna let you off the hook DID U??
All week I couldn’t wait to sink my teeth into this story. It deserves to be ridden to the bare bones (all puns intended).
In case you are a complete f*cking idiot & are totally unaware of your surroundings, allow me to provide you with a brief rundown of the scenario:
Eric Massa has strong nose hairs.
Signal 1: owns an apartment in NYC where 5 grown ass men live on top of each other with clothes strewn all over the place
Signal 2: molested stuck his c**k in groped a male staffer
—He also seems to think that groped has another definition other than sexually. Which leads me to believe we have NY state congressman who has no idea what the word grope means.
Signal 3: Stepping down and not running for re-election without good reason…or any reason for that matter
Signal 4: Nancy Pelosi knew about this weird ass sh*t as early as October and was paid not to say anything about it didn’t say anything about it until he announced he wasn’t seeking another term on March 3rd.
Signal 5: Mentioning his time at sea w// 10,000 ship men, at least 5,000 of which I’m sure he’s entered.
Signal 6: Going on Larry King Live & responding to the question “Are You Gay?” with “Ask my wife” and other un-slick quips instead of simply stating “no’. And can we talk about how insane he managed to appear on Glenn Beck?? Even more so than the f*cking host himself?
“Not only did I grope a guy, but I tickled him til he couldn’t breathe. Then 4 other guys jumped on top it was my 50th birthday—”
STOP RIGHT THERE.
What kind of 50th birthday is this??
If that is not uncontrollably homosexual, then I don’t know what is.
And where exactly did this “tickling and *ick grabbing groping incident take place?? Did he happen to be in the male showers at the YMCA when this was occurring? Did 4 guys happen to be waiting in each corner of the office anticipating the moment when Massa would re-enter with his newest sexual harassment victim?
All in all, this guy’s a complete *sshole. I mean, its just unbelievable that he could be such a douche about the whole thing. There’s nothing wrong with him being gay, but just be gay. Sorry to break it to “Mrs. Massa”, she is just a beard.
Massa is going to be the butt of all jokes for a while to come (pun, again intended)…then again, he’s into that.
What a toolbox.
Love,
*Ms. Offcer
Roid Rage
You didn’t think I was gonna let this one slip into obscurity, did you?
I can’t begin to describe how disappointing this is to me. As a sports fan, I can’t be bothered with the constant stream of junkies who pretend to be professional athletes. Like it or not, they chose to play a sport that propels them into the national spotlight & consequently, your living room, where your kids will watch his (or her) every move and aspire to be just like them one day.
Then comes the realization that their favorite (insert sport here) player is really strung out on performance enhancing drugs, and it really wasn’t their sheer talent hard at work, but the juice.
Mark McGwire becomes yet another statistic. Earlier this week he sat weeping in front of a host of his peers & superiors admitting to the steroid use that led to him breaking a tiny little home run record back in 1998.
His years of taking roids were just about half of those he spent as a player in the MLB. He started in 1989 & stopped in 1990. From ’93-’99 he kept his muscles juiced, well into the period he competed with Sammy Sosa for Roger Maris’ single-season home run record– hitting 70, breaking a record held tightly since 1961.
In 2010, 12 years “far away” into the future, things have gotten a little weirder. Sammy Sosa’s no longer in Mark’s back pocket, but guest-starring in reruns of “Casper” on FX.
All the endorsements and fanfare have tuckered out, and many others since have been BBQ’ed for their participation in usage, ( Darryl Strawberry, Sammy Sosa, Barry Bonds, Darryl Strawberry again, Alex Rodriguez) Mark thought it was safe to peek out and admit that his whole image since “the last good year of Hip Hop” was a hoax.
So he admitted on Monday to being on & off “the stuff” for 10 years. What does he get?
A slap on the hands & a wag of the finger?
Excommunicated from the MLB for at least a year?
A date with K-Ci Fantasia Barrino?
No!
None of the above punishments were as suitable as….
The Commish Bud Selig still letting Mark be the hitting coach for the St. Louis Cardinals come February, 2011.
Can we just save the grunt work and automatically assume that the home run class of 2011 & beyond for The Cards will all be
But it’s not all good.
This motherf*cka aged badly, didn’t he?
Good grief.
Doesn’t he have reason to?
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Derek Jeter’s Getting Married??
Yep, that’s what I heard.
Quagmire The Yankee Shortstop Derek Jeter, one of the world’s most eligible, pawed after, fawned over, stalked, loved, and ambiguously raced bachelors is taking his c*ck off the market.
Who’s the thief you ask?
That’d be Minka Kelly, that actress from Friday Night Lights & the daughter of Aerosmith guitarist Rick Gufay.
Jeter shot down rumors that he & Kelly were engaged as a guest on Letterman last November, perhaps he wanted to slang it once more before he settled down?
Not so fast ladies. Before you battleaxes get your thongs permanently lodged in your asses, know that the validity of this report is still being refuted. After noticing that Jeter’s name was penciled in to be married at the Oheka Castle in Huntington, Long Island, a reporter for the New York Post queried the manager of the estate & he denied that it was Derek Jeter.
English Translation: Derek Jeter might not be getting married after all.
or he might.
Personally I find
muuuuuuuch hotter. His Dominicanness also ups the ante. Mmmm speak Spanish to me.
Whoa. I digress.
Anywho, the date for “Jeter” is set for November 5th, 2010.
One more for ol’ times sake, eh?
We’ll see.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Wtf: Pop Champagne
First off, I f**ks w/ this song.
With that said, I questioned if I was being n**gerish because this was one of the first songs that popped into my head (no pun intended) when Barack won the Presidency last week. What I did not know @ the time was what the video looked like. I saw it for the 1st time on Monday (maybe it’s been out longer than that, who cares) but let it be known:
The ‘Pop Champagne’ video must be stopped.
Ring the mothaf**kin alarm.
There’s just way too much wrong w/ it.
Like I said: I do rock with this joint & Ron Browz is very talented. Buuuuuuuuut allow me to point out the obvious:
1. The tattoos on this girl’s back.
2. The background in the picture frame. The whole picture frame thingy in the 1st place.
3. The chick in the gold bathing suit thing w/ the gold humping Jim Jones’ leg while he’s clearly trying to pour the champagne down the flutes.
4. Is that a child dancing? And if so, is she in the club with them?? I’m confused here.
5. The dude step-n-fetching in the teeth & the white pants. I can’t.
6. Lol did that fat guy just start to do the Harlem?
7. Not just the gratuitous pouring of the bubbly, but the fact that Zeke puts his hands out like he’s drinking from a gourd.
That was what bothered me the most.
8. I hate spitting, it’s so gross.
9. And as much as I like Juelz Santana & Dipset, & trust me, I really do, I couldn’t tell u what happens after his verse begins because that graphic of his catch-phrase ‘A’ was just too much. I couldn’t do it.
(I just want to interject real quick & say that someone posted some flyers on my myspace of a party w/ Barack Obama, Jim Jones & Juelz Santana all together. Lemme tell you there is no occassion where these folks would share a venue.)
Now obviously there are much suckier music videos out there, of any genre. I just wanted to touch on this one cuz I felt it was a liiiiiittle too ignorant coming on the heels of Barack making history.
The sh*t rocks tho.
Sigh,
Love,
Ms. Officer
Ring The Alarm
Last night’s episode of Hardball with Chris Matthews was particularly interesting.
As usual, the Presidential race was the subject of debate.
Enter Democratic Strategist, Bob Shrum and Republican Strategist/Former aide to President Bush, Ed Rogers:
Ed Rogers: Obama doesn’t have an economic plan, he wants to be Robin Hood by raising taxes on everyone!
Bob Shrum: Shut the f*ck up ur a liar and you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Ed Rogers: No its not, I heard him when he told that to Joe the Plumber, (Pictured here)
Ed Rogers: Waaaaah stop talking over me even though I make no sense
Bob Shrum: As many times as Obama has explained it, you still can’t grasp his economic plan. You don’t like it becuase ur one of the people that’s gonna have to come out of pocket to help pay for America’s mess.
Chris Matthews: Whats better motherf*cker? Borrow more $ from China or tax the rich?
Ed Rogers: I don’t see why he doesn’t just leave us rich alone, leave the economy alone, and let it continue on its laissez-faire, free market downward spiral. It ‘s bound to fix itself that way.
Bob Shrum: You’ve been lying about being able to even stand a chance against Obama with this shoddy economic plan.
Chris Matthews: Well then how come Obama’s argument is winning?
Ed Rogers: Because we are not credible on the economy.
Did this mothaf*cka just admit that his party’s plan is sh*tty? The same one he’s trying to defend by giving into Shrum’s argument? I would not want to be caught up w/ this dude as my lawyer.
But by far the last minute of this whole thing was the most interesting- it went realllll left:
Ed Rogers: Everything that’s easy to be done in Washington has already been done (error #1). Barack Obama Has never done one hard thing in his life (miserable error #2)
Chris Matthews: We gotta go.
Shrum: A white man from the South should not be saying that a Black man running for president has never done a hard thing in his life.
(Never mind his background and growing up. Never mind the ignorace & racism he encountered in college and law school. Never mind the trillion dollar deficit he has to clean up. & Most of all never mind that white supremacist plot against him that was broken up last week. Barack’s walkin on easy street.)
Ed Rogers: Oh, come on man don’t make this about race. Don’t play 
or this one either
You tryna make me look like a racist.
Chris Matthews: I tried to save your ass by saying lets go. You just confirmed the fact that you are as ignorant as you’ve let on in this program. Now can I close this segment?
….And thats what I took away from the program.
Bob Shrum, You owned Ed Rogers.
Thank You.
Yes We Can!
Love,
*Ms. Officer
