Category Archives: Negro Follies
New Song Smell- Jay-Z Feat. B.I.C.- Glory
That’s right, your eyes do not decieve you.
Blue Ivy Carter is featured with her father Jay-Z crying in tune.
This, I blame on The Beyonce
Forget about the rumors about how much they paid Lenox Hill.
Forget about the “fregnancy” (fake pregnancy, that is) rumors.
Forget, well, this.
Listen to Jay-Z Feat. B.I.C.- Glory here
You heard correctly, Jay said they had a miscarriage before. Good Grief.
Truth be told, It’s a beautiful song. If only more men would take this stance…
Bey-Z, YOU’VE DONE IT AGAIN.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Drake- Ism, “Take Care”- Ism
Aubrey Drake Graham exists as both an actor & rapper singer.
Mr. Graham needs to be very careful he doesn’t fall into “Ja Rule” territory, which he is hurdling towards with his latest effort, Take Care.
The “lonely-kind-of-singer-kind-of-rapper-entertainer-sitting-by-a-golden-bird-whilst-being-Jay-Z’s-unshaven-look-circa-6-months-ago” look is not really doing much for…anything outside of 1983.
I never bought the “Drake is a gangster because he chose to sign hang out with Young Money” image,
AND NEITHER SHOULD YOU
Care is in the title of his sophomore effort. HOW HARD IS THIS EXPECTED TO BE
Drake happens to be a walking dichotomy. Smart enough for the nerds/backpackers, [Insert 6 letter word, adj. here] ish enough for…everyone else.
Initially, I thought of writing a review upon first listen. Deciding that would have been premature & possibly unfair (although I have a very good sense for identifying hit songs, quality songs & plain sh*t) I marinated. I’ve lived with this Take Care album for a week now, it’s time I shared the in-depth breakdown.
1. Over My Dead Body- Boring. In one instance I fell asleep. So it doubles as a lullaby.
2. Shot For Me-
3. Headlines –
4. Crew Love Feat. The Weekend- 1st good song we come across. Best of all, The Weekend does the singing here. Also, The Weekend may or may not sound like The Dream. Perhaps it’s their affinity for articles.
5. Take Care Feat. Rihanna- Just…waterboard me. This will be a sickening crossover hit– everyone loves Drake, everyone loves Rihanna. Put them over a fart (which this song makes me want to do) and it will be a smash. Call it the Jay-Z effect.
6. Marvin’s Room- Spawned too many spawns this summer. We’ve all drunk dialed. We’ve all been 2am mad. Drizzy accurately captures this while caressing his own scruffy chin.
7. Buried Alive (Interlude) Feat. Kendrick Lamar- Kendrick Lamar is getting much of the same type of buzz Drake was 2 years ago (as he likes to remind us). Drizzy gets kind of morbid not only on this track -but the whole album- which is weird. What is he talking about? Why is he so upset at his success? ISN’T THIS WHAT YOU WANTED
8. Underground Kings- Love this. Particularly it’s ’90s rap sound. These types of records are why we love Drake in the first place. Well done, Noah ”40″ Shebib & T-Minus. Sometimes I need that romance, sometimes I need to pole dance.
9. We’ll Be Fine (Feat. Birdman)- Would’ve been fine sans Birdman.
10. Make Me Proud (Feat. Nicki Minaj)- This duet does little to quell my feelings they’ll both be donned in pink for the vid. Admittedly, I like it–this too (is currently) a big record.
11. Lord Knows Feat. Rick Ross- Here is the standalone “street cred” song on Take Care. Personally, not crazy about it. However, production by Just Blaze & Rawse’s sheep will propel this– at least on late night radio.
12. Cameras Feat. Jon B./Good Ones Go (Interlude)- Easily my favorite track. Impressed is an understatement when it comes to how I feel about him even knowing Jon B.’s Calling On You. Lends to the theory of Drake-ism. Can’t be a gangster listening to Pleasures You Like. Original:
This, ladies and gentlemen, is partially how underrated artists get their due– rediscovery. So, not so bad after all. Jon is an amazing artist, one of my absolute favorites. Click here for the interview I did with Jon B. this summer.
The interlude is a killer.
13. Doing It Wrong (Feat. Stevie Wonder)- What was that? Would you like some more WHINE with that cheese? BUT OF COURSE. THIS TRACK’S ONLY SAVING GRACE IS STEVIE WONDER’S HARMONICA
14. The Real Her (Feat. Andre 3000 and Lil’ Wayne)- Aside from the fact you can barely differentiate Wayne’s voice from Drake’s, it’s pretty cool. Andre 3000 always elevates anything he’s on. #SEEWHATIDIDTHERE #ELEVATORS
15. Look What You’ve Done- Best song on the album. About his mother, uncle & grandmother. Well done.
16. HYFR Feat. Lil Wayne- “Hell Yeah, F*cking Right” should not follow Look What You’ve Done. What is the connection here? Again, lost in the Drayne voice matrix. And it sucks.
17. Practice- We’ve heard this before, circa 12 years ago. With a few more gold teeth, and Mweaves (Man weaves) sprinkled in between.
Practice raises a different question. WHERE’S MANNIE FRESH
18. The Ride Feat. The Weekend- Meh.
Bonuses
Hate Sleeping Alone- Not deplorable. Could’ve replaced one of the 1st 3 songs. Or all of them.
The Motto Feat. Lil’ Wayne & Tyga- The only dance-able cut was relegated to an afterthought. Why is this a bonus & that atrocity HYFR gets to have an album cut? WHO MADE THIS DECISION
Miscellaneous Notes:
- Noticeably, his voice (not style) sounds a lot like Lil’ Wayne. Doesn’t help half of this album consists of his rhymes too.
- He didn’t “Baaaaaaawwww” that much this go around, which is kind of disappointing.
- WHO ARE THESE GIRLS HE KEEPS MESSING WITH
Now that you have been saturated with more references to “OVO” & “XO” than you care to count, do yourself a favor.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Hilarity Pt. 40- Iranian Ass Grab
American male athletes love each other’s asses. They demonstrate just how much in every major U.S. sport:
Doesn’t look like A-Rod is falling from the precipice of anything, but it does seem he prefers to be firmly entranced guided by Derek Jeter’s butt.
In Rodriguez’s defense, IT IS A SUPERBLY HYPNOTIZING ASS.
Sheffield may or may not agree.
We all know Shaq is into this:
…Then there’s the NFL…
implementing the “grab and plow”.
Yet all of this somehow pales in comparison to an Iranian soccer team’s celebration of a win:
@ :14 #6′s hand almost fully disappears into #13′s ass. #13, realizing the foreign object, sweeps his teammate’s hand away.
This replays in every kind of “mo” (pun intended) throughout the remainder of the video.
Perspolis players Mohammad Norsati and Sheys Rezaei have not only been fined $40,000, but suspended from the league.
That’s exactly what an on-feild colonoscopy gets you.
And nighttime visits from Kobe.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Everyone Looks The Same To Me Vol. 26 : REPBULICAN EDITION
On the heels of last night’s rancid Republican debates, I made some astonishing realizations:
- Oh sh*t we are in trouble because (one) of these is the potential Republican nominee.
- There is an awful lot of sexual tension between Mitt Romney & Rick Perry.
- Oh sh*t I dropped a peice of bacon.
- This entire thing is sh*ttily and blatantly racist
Equal parts fear and hilarity moved through me whilst I watched 63 old White men, 1 ex- Rhythym Nation extra & the Token Negro “debate”.
Certainly I could not listen to Ron Paul whine,
but I did notice that he looked remarkably like
none other than
Former star of Road Trip,
and not really a DJ even though his initials are D.J.,
DJ QUALLS
Or,
Will look like Ron Paul
IN APROXIMATELY 388 YEARS
Oh, but that’s not all folks.
YOU GET TWO FOR THE PRICE OF ONE TODAY
The lone Negro here,furthering our race’s setbacks with those comments Herman Cain,
Looks much too much like one of my favorite people
Martin Lawrence
BY THIS ADMISSION, HAS HERMAN CAIN RUINED THE RERUNS OF ONE OF MY FAVORITE SHOWS?
PERHAPS.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Where The Hell Did Time Go Wednesdays- Ja Rule
A couple of nostalgic Wednesdays ago, I posted about DMX & his “Get Of Out Jail Free Card”. At the end of that video stood a Osh-Kosh-B’Gosh clad Ja Rule beside Mr. Simmons. This got me thinking:
DMX just got out of jail.
Ja Rule just went to jail.
DMX made some really good music. Like, seriously.
Ja Rule made some really catchy music you couldn’t help but like.
Admit it or not, “Rule Baby” had some songs that were actually good. I am admitting a guilty pleasure. So are you by reading this. And enjoying the following video:
@ :08- So what he’s a foot under the shortest vid skid? He’ll throw his hands up to distract you
@ :23- Jajajaja Tommy Hilfiger manties. With the thick ’90′s logo
@ :50- Best line in whole song.
@ 1:38 Underpass dancing! Definite ’90′s staple for any video
@ 2:10 The fact they’re dressed like camp counselors makes it all worthwhile
@ 2:36 Same Tommy underwear? This better be later that same day
@2:49 1st time I’ve noticed he used The “N” word and “Brandished” back to back
@ 2:56 Is she bored? Perhaps she can focus on that stupid a** hat
This looks remarkably like “The Thong Song” video
So what? No one “beefed”.
Until 50 put the nail in that coffin.
Good grief.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Where The Hell Did Time Go Wednesdays- Jay-Z
In the spirit of “Watch The Throne” and the internet frenzy it’s ensued, I’d figured I’d attract more traffic by simply having that phrase appear here, alongside the word “download”.
“Watch The Throne”
“Download”
“Watch The Throne”
“Download”
“WTT”
“Download”
Whilst I conduct this experiment, you can take a trip back in time to a point where Kanye & Jay weren’t yet Bff’s, in one of my nostalgia favorites:
-When Timbaland still had Ballpark Frank neck.
-When Pamela Anderson was in that show V.I.P.
- @ 2:17 He probably slept with her.
-When it was cool for Eddie Murphy to play every part in a movie
-B.J. :Get your filth-ridden minds out of the gutter Before Jayonce
-Before SuperHead wrote a book describing every Negro male in this video
-Before Amil was banished from the ROC & NEVER TO BE SPOKEN OF AGAIN
Those were the good ol’ days.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Where The Hell Did Time Go Wednesdays- DMX
To commemorate the latest use of X’s “Get Out of Jail Free Card”:
Yes, this really is the censored version.
Easily one of X’s best. Songs. EVAR. If you mange not to be distracted by the frilly pants on Dru Hill’s lead singer, or his gratuitous use of dragons, you too, may come to this conclusion.
My high school friends would never let me forget this was the period where I used to “like” Sisqo. I would very much like to.
This came from a time where all music videos seemed to be shot in Harlem, which, somehow, is already 10 years ago.
Funny, because 10 is also the number of kids Earl Simmons has. Naturally we’ll learn more about this in an (alleged) upcoming DMX reality show. Should be interesting.
ONLY IF THEY PROMISE JA RULE CAN PARTICIPATE TOO.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Heat Lose Bulls Game, Win The Crying Game
Just to clarify– They only specified no crying in baseball.
Says Erik Spoelstra of his team after last night’s loss vs. Chi:
and after a misspelled Dwyane Wade basically fessed up later on in that interview…
I WONDER WHO’S LEFT
This was Bosh mere days ago after the loss vs. Orlando, when they blew a 24 point lead in the 2nd half. That sucks. Especially since they can’t pull it together against their main competitors in the East- Boston, Chicago, & Orlando. Somehow, they remain #3 in the region’s standings.
But this Bulls loss came as the result of a(nother) last second failed buzzer beater by Wade– The Heat are 1-7 when down by 3 points or less in these situations.
If this “team” wants to not get knocked out of round 1 of the playoffs by a possible #6 seed (i.e. Knicks), they’re going to have to:
1. figure out who the leader is
2. pass him the rock in clutch situations
3. get a coach they’ll listen to
4. not cry about losing games on or off camera
Spoelstra was probably just trying to show how much passion his players have, but it backfired– revealing the supply of rattles & Gerber available to them post game.
Whatever, this is funny.
Just to show they’re not alone, I’ve assembled a special edition Miami Heat playlist:
Ja Rule- I Cry
Most anything by Ja Rule would suffice. But definitely this.
Obie Trice- Cry Now
Pretty much nailed it @ :15.
Mary J. Blige- Not Gon’ Cry
…Or they could take the opposite approach…and Exhale.
Justin Timberlake- Cry Me A River
So obvious. So Poingnant.
Bob Marley- No Woman No Cry
No Chris Bosh, No Cry.
After all that fanfare,
And sh*t they were talking, these guys should be able to step up and pull it together. They need time to gel, but…
They look as out of control as
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Hilarity Pt. 39- Sarah Palin Is Good Masturbation Material
At least according to America’s favorite self- toucher, Tracy Morgan:
This came during TNT’s Knicks/Heat (#BeattheHeat) pregame when Barkley commented that this ballsack Sarah Palin was pretty.
Tracy’s always good for the hearty laugh.
Then TNT issued an apology.
Not that anyone cared.
Not that this one line was funnier than his most recent comedy special.
Not that this action will ever stop Morgan’s insanity
…or his thoughts of Alaska’s former governor accompanied by Vaseline.
Aight, chief.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Hilarity Pt. 38: Wiz Khalifa Feat. Vinny from Jersey Shore- Black & Guido
This exists.
@ :01 Black & Guido by Vinny LadyGagagadino
@ :06 I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat? Freshly Waxed, Abrasive Eyebrows!
@ :17 If I turn this hat around, I’ll look like Jay-Z in the “New York Video”. And my hat is Black too.
@ :28 Step 1: Meet Black Girl. Step 2: Complement butt. Step 3: Tell her inevitable bird friends “stop hay-in”. Then all Black guys will like that.
@ :38 They’re going crazy cuz I’m White & She’s Black. It’s like it’s never been done before. Legally. Like pre- 1967.
@ :39 See? Color doesn’t matter. Because Vinny said so.
@ :45 If an actual Negro comes by, his Black approval will be sealed.
@ :53 Funny, I introduce myself to every White male I meet by saying “Aye, don’t u see my skin’s brown?”. Comes right before my name.
@ :54 That’s usually the response.
@ 1:14 So if Ciara & Kerry Wash (ington) are watching, Vinny likes you. Check yes, no, or maybe.
@ 1:34 Eb-on-y & I-vo-ry go together in perfect har-mo-ny
@ 1:40 Bouncing around with even more guys definitely helps his case.
@ 1:41 Glad everyone remembered the uniform. “Wear something Black, but your hat has to be black.”
@ 1:51 There are a lot of halfie Black & Guido heroes. Denzel, for one, Al Pacino, for another. He’s right. They made a great couple.
@ 2:01 Pirouettes always drive points home.
@ 2:14 Yay! More men for the now equally raced frank & bean party!
@ 2:16 These hats are really doing the trick. I see this is the effect they were going for.
@ 2:53 Uh-oh the fat one didn’t get the memo
@ 3:16 It’s like an all-male mostly Italian rainbow
@ 3:28 The dog = representation of Buido love. (Please give me credit once you outsource this word)
@ 3:42 I half expect this guy in the right hand corner to blow a kiss.
And now I know what “Chillin’ wit my boyz” means.
The Jon B. Effect just doesn’t apply here. See Chapter 1: Robin Thicke’s Father Was The Father On Growing Pains for further reference.
The question still remains:
Tell Daniel “Boobie” Gibson It’s Not Ok To Rap (Audio Included)
No, NO, NO.
Daniel “Boobie” Gibson has become the latest athlete to bite the dust in this horrid, unrelenting epidemic.
Just because he is almost married to Keyshia Cole, doesn’t mean he should make music. You don’t see her hanging out with them, do you?
(The horror starts around 2:30)
Gibson could be trying to emulate Houston rapper legend
Bun B, in which case he does a sh*tty, sh*tty job. Also proving what (many) people have been saying about Southern Rap for years.
I suppose this wouldn’t have been half as bad if Boobie’s debut didn’t come in the form of a sock puppet. A poorly put together sock puppet. In front of stacks of money. With a hand (I presume is not Boobie’s) up it’s ass.
And, if nothing else, this vid let the cat out of the bag. Boobie & Miss Piggy have been sexting.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Hilarity Pt. 26- Amare Stoudemire, This [Insert 5-Letter Noun Here]
The culprit– The Body Issue of ESPN Magazine. It features the bodies of tastefully naked athletes…so we can see what they look like naked…without actually having to see them naked.
As new as he is to the Knicks (yes I am still a fan, like Spike Lee) Amare Stoudemire is new to the feature. And here was the result:
!!!!!!!!!
Fingers?? And not even all 5 of them???
I guess everybody gets 1.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Tiger’s Balls
<script type=”text/javascript”><!–
google_ad_client = “pub-8810871379554570″;
/* 336×280, created 9/30/10 */
google_ad_slot = “4003403108″;
google_ad_width = 336;
google_ad_height = 280;
//–>
</script>
<script type=”text/javascript”
src=”http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js”>
</script>
Too easy.
How many 7th-grade jokes can be made about this un-photoshoppepd masterpiece?
This picture was snapped by a genius who was actually standing in a really sh*tty place. Mark Pain (Not to be confused with “T”)
of the U.K.’s Daily Mail happened to be standing there. This took place in the future over the weekend during the Ryder Cup in Whales.
Don’t let the “Where’s Waldo’s Mustache” dude in the corner distract you. Write all of your tacky jokes below now, please.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Ring The Alarm: Bishop Eddie Long Accuser Jamal Parris Speaks Out, Finally
Good Grief.
At first I didn’t want to touch this, but
after watching this video:
1st: Don’t trust any Negro outside of 1988 with a Jheri Curl.
2nd: Don’t trust any Negro donned in UnderArmour who doesn’t actually f*ckin play football.
3rd: Don’t trust any grown Negro who takes pictures of himself in a bathroom (I hope those are his flip-flops)
4th: Does this remind anyone (else) of Lil’ Wayne & Baby?
5th: Don’t trust any Negro whose last name is Long & accused of sexually abusing 4 (& possibly more) teen boys & “pulls out” of a Tom Joyner interview that could’ve possibly helped him.
Yikes.
I really do hope this whole thing isn’t true. But damn.
Where’s Chris Hansen when you need him?
Love,
*Ms. Officer
How Reggie Bush Became History’s 1st Negro to Be Stripped of the Heisman
He’s the 1st winner in history to be stripped of the title, and he’s a negro.
There is no other way to portray Reggie Bush giving back his Heisman Trophy than with a montage.
It’s how one describes all of life’s monumental events.
Bush as a junior at USC. Smiling like the Cheshire Cat because he hasn’t paid for sh*t in the last year.
The house that scandal built. Or some weird sports memorabilia guy named Michael Michaels (warning sign #1) who let Bush’s parents move in rent-free after they have financial troubles. Michaels also tries to strong arm them into his business. It doesn’t work.
Here they are in 2005 at the award ceremony. The Heisman’s running away already.
Shiftee like Onyx at the 2006 NFL Draft. He goes #2. The other one who kinda looks like him but less attractive, Vince Young, goes #3.
Reggie meets hooker. Things go awry.
Until
The man in the gray finishes caressing his chest and kisses him New Orleans Saints win the Superbowl. No one’s thinking about illegal NCAA gifts now.
Reggie & Hoochie call it quits.
But he gets tangled up with other pointless hoe, Amber Rose. Rose & Kardashian get into a “Twit-fight”.
Then came last week.
Yahoo! Sports conducted an interview with the running back where Bush said quote:
“I’m not even thinking about that. I haven’t gone that far. Here we are the day before the biggest game of the new season [the Saints play host to the Vikings in the NFL opener Thursday], and that’s where my focus is…
Translation:
[Insert 5-letter noun here]z ain’t even worried ’bout that sh*t. [Insert 5-letter noun here]z thinkin’ bout this big ass game tomorrow.”
Saints went on to beat the Vikings, 14-9 in the NFL season (and their home) opener.
Said Reggie via his own ReggieBush.com yesterday afternoon:
I will forever appreciate the honor bestowed upon me as a winner of the Heisman. While this decision is heart-breaking, I find solace in knowing that the award was made possible by the support and love of so many. Those are gifts that can never be taken away.
Translation:
“Ain’t really sh*t I could do about this. You can’t get all that sh*t you gave me back anyway! Besides, [Insert 5-letter noun here]z got a Superbowl Ring, so I could give a sh*t. My bad USC.”
I think we can all concur on how appropriate this is.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
