Category Archives: Know The Rules
Hilarity Pt. 40- Iranian Ass Grab
American male athletes love each other’s asses. They demonstrate just how much in every major U.S. sport:
Doesn’t look like A-Rod is falling from the precipice of anything, but it does seem he prefers to be firmly entranced guided by Derek Jeter’s butt.
In Rodriguez’s defense, IT IS A SUPERBLY HYPNOTIZING ASS.
Sheffield may or may not agree.
We all know Shaq is into this:
…Then there’s the NFL…
implementing the “grab and plow”.
Yet all of this somehow pales in comparison to an Iranian soccer team’s celebration of a win:
@ :14 #6′s hand almost fully disappears into #13′s ass. #13, realizing the foreign object, sweeps his teammate’s hand away.
This replays in every kind of “mo” (pun intended) throughout the remainder of the video.
Perspolis players Mohammad Norsati and Sheys Rezaei have not only been fined $40,000, but suspended from the league.
That’s exactly what an on-feild colonoscopy gets you.
And nighttime visits from Kobe.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Everyone Looks The Same To Me Vol. 26 : REPBULICAN EDITION
On the heels of last night’s rancid Republican debates, I made some astonishing realizations:
- Oh sh*t we are in trouble because (one) of these is the potential Republican nominee.
- There is an awful lot of sexual tension between Mitt Romney & Rick Perry.
- Oh sh*t I dropped a peice of bacon.
- This entire thing is sh*ttily and blatantly racist
Equal parts fear and hilarity moved through me whilst I watched 63 old White men, 1 ex- Rhythym Nation extra & the Token Negro “debate”.
Certainly I could not listen to Ron Paul whine,
but I did notice that he looked remarkably like
none other than
Former star of Road Trip,
and not really a DJ even though his initials are D.J.,
DJ QUALLS
Or,
Will look like Ron Paul
IN APROXIMATELY 388 YEARS
Oh, but that’s not all folks.
YOU GET TWO FOR THE PRICE OF ONE TODAY
The lone Negro here,furthering our race’s setbacks with those comments Herman Cain,
Looks much too much like one of my favorite people
Martin Lawrence
BY THIS ADMISSION, HAS HERMAN CAIN RUINED THE RERUNS OF ONE OF MY FAVORITE SHOWS?
PERHAPS.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
New Vid: The Beyonce- Countdown
She’s pregnant. She’s dancing. And most importantly,
She. Ain’t. You.
@ :01 I don’t expect this to be any different from any other
- The Beyonce Video
-Destiny’s Chile Video
-Any video featuring The Beyonce
In that it is all about her, all the time. LEST YOU FORGET
@ :06 “Oh Hai, welcome to American Apparel. What was that? Were you looking for the women’s black turtleneck? Extra Small? I’m sorry, LIL’ WAYNE BOUGHT THEM ALL“
@ :20 New from Radio Shack, The Beyonce Clock.
@ :25 Soooooo, no one else thinks she’s @ least a tad bit insane
@ :45
@ 1:22 Certain this little pink act will spawn numerous youtube parodies of large women in these tiny button ups.
@ 1:49 Drumline
@ 1:55 Not that this makes a difference in the grand scheme of, like, the world, -BUT- right side, purple shirt, Thai wig. Man, Woman, or Strong Features?
Cast your vote.
@ 2:05 Must. Buy. Lavender. Shoes. Before. Men. Buy. All. Our. Sizes.
@ 2:19 “Dutty Wine” revival
@ 2:32 Alleged plagarizm.
@ 2:33 Me. and my Jay. And My Jay-Z riding. All up in that Jay-Z with me right beside Jay-Z
@3:06 The Beyonce gives a nod to The Diana (Rawse)
@ 3:26 Don’t recall The Beyonce’s boobs EVER being that big. Note to self: GET PREGNANT
@ 3:31 And just in case you forgot how beautiful The Beyonce was in the last nanosecond, a not-so-subtle reminder.
Don’t hate it, Don’t love it. Although, I’m certain I’ll have a more difinitve outlook on this after the video has been drilled into my head via MTV, overly aggressive advertisements, and radio spins. Naturally.
Plagarism, Smlagarism.
If The Beyonce doesn’t do it before after you, IT DOES NOT EXIST.
New Edition will find this out shortly, seeing as how the preview to “Love on Top” IS ALREADY OUT.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
NY Rep. Christopher Lee Wants You To Know He Sexts Too
Everyone Looks The Same To Me.
Christopher Lee Sexting
Atlanta sicko sexter Eddie Long.
Craigslist, notorious playground for psycos, stalkers &…sexters spawned this NY rep. to deliver a topless picture of himself to…a W4M.
Christoper Lee is a 46 year-old Buffalo area Republican who
-Takes pride in his graying chest hair
-Likes to take photos in front of his children’s completed puzzles
-Wants you to admire his bulging flex.
Or growing fist pump.
Or b*tchin’ bod.
If I had a bottle of pasta sauce that was being troublesome, I wouldn’t nominate he open it for me.
No worries, buffalo in Buffalo, he resigned and apologized immediately after the pics & “flirty” e-mails were released. The 34 year-old unidentified recipent was looking to get herself stuffed inside someone’s freezer by using Craigslist for proof the creepesters men on the site did not “look like toads”.
Instead of just announcing himself as “I’m married Rep. Christopher Lee. My pic is up on my site that ends in house.gov, so you know I’m legit. That’s me in front of the White House. If you like, press yes if you think I don’t look like a toad.” He chose to wow her. With this. And his use of the most nauseating emoticon 
“”Hope I’m not a toad. i’m a very fit fun classy guy,” he wrote. “6ft 190lbs blond/blue. 39. Lobbyist. I promise not to disappoint anyone but my family and my constituents. And my district.”
(Quote courtesy NY Daily News)
Certainly these types of scandals are not new because of the internet. They’re everybody’s business because of the internet.
Mission accomplished. I’m glad he looks up to people who too have walked similar roads, like former NY rep Eric Massa.
“W. 19. Black/Dark Brown. I hoe I don’t look like a toad.”
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Public Farts
Are defined as “everywhere you’re subject to other people in close proximity & confined spaces.”
Trains
Checkout lines
Banks
Here
Fact of the matter is, we’re all subject to it once we leave our houses.
and it is Randy.
This may seem like no big deal, but in those 30-45 seconds when your breathing air gets rudely interrupted, can feel like a putrid eternity.
Such was the scene of this morning’s crime.
The D train was where remnants of someone’s last (unpleasant) meal were released into my nostrils.
I narrow my eyes. The odor invades my nose. Someone nearby has farted. Perhaps not loudly, but it smells deafening.
It was a lot less crowded than usual, but there is a simple formula anyone can use anywhere:
Fart Probability= Sq. Ft. x # Of People + What They Ate – Ventilation
As the # of people increases, so does your Fart Probability.
There’s nothing worse than when this moment intersects with an open mouth.
Many times the gas is intrusive, obnoxious. Often times I am able to readily identify the offender, simply by sending an angry glare:
to the old Chinese woman with 6 bags of fish
to the White businessman figuring out which way to read the Times
to the fat Black dude
to the child
thereby putting the adage “whoever smelt it, dealt it” to rest.
Today, I’ve had enough.
What kind of person are you to fart in a place with no escape?
What sanctions are appropriate for this offense?
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Hilarity Pt. 39- Sarah Palin Is Good Masturbation Material
At least according to America’s favorite self- toucher, Tracy Morgan:
This came during TNT’s Knicks/Heat (#BeattheHeat) pregame when Barkley commented that this ballsack Sarah Palin was pretty.
Tracy’s always good for the hearty laugh.
Then TNT issued an apology.
Not that anyone cared.
Not that this one line was funnier than his most recent comedy special.
Not that this action will ever stop Morgan’s insanity
…or his thoughts of Alaska’s former governor accompanied by Vaseline.
Aight, chief.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Kanye West Vs. Matt Lauer?
Not necessarily expecting a “vs.” in between those two names. Nonetheless…
Whenever news anchors do that “sit-down-and-lemme-explain-to-you-what-the-f*ck-I-had-to-deal-with-here-before-I-introduce-every-clip” thingy, it usually means it wasn’t good.
Or was bizarre.
Orgionally I wanted to file this under “Hilarity”, but then I didn’t want to diminish what Kanye was saying, because he had some valid points.
But a lot of it was funny.
It starts @ :28 when Bush plunks his hands on the table beside the glass of water he’ll soon put his teeth in to demonstrate just how frustrated he was with Mr. West.
It ends @ :55 when Lauer points all the sh*t that has went miserably, extremely, disgustingly wrong in Bush’s 8 year dictatorship of this country.
When it was released last week that Bush named Kanye’s outburst as his most damming moment as president, that should’ve set off a loud f*ckin alarm to, like, everyone to not vote the whole f*cking House red.
Kanye shouldn’t have apologized just because this raisin came on the Today show 5 years after Katrina, still whining about what the rapper/producer said. When Ye made that statement, he hit the nail on the head– the country was teeming with frustration -the blatant disrespect & disregard shown to the people of New Orleans & the Gulf states- who were trapped while Bush was doing this:
Cutting cake on an Air Force Base with a f*cking fossil.
I’ve never been President.
BUT
I gather there are some instances where you’ve gotta stop whatever the f*ck you were doing & tend to the country. They include:
- More crop circles
- Another Fantasia album
- 1/3 of your empire is under f*cking water and no one can do anything about it.
Maybe it’s just me.
What’s most notable about this entire ordeal is that Lauer still thought Kanye would return for their Thanksgiving-y show in a couple of weeks.
Any moron with two peanuts in their brain could gather that after this performance this would not happen. Just to be sure, Kanye Tweeted it this morning.
Lesson:
- West shouldn’t have apologized
- The Taylor footage obviously struck a nerve
- In Kanye’s defense, Meredith was a little witchy at the end.
- This many Black people have never cared about the Today Show. Ever.
There. It’s settled.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Hilarity Pt. 33- The Wheel of Fortune Miracle
Ok, not really. The video itself is entertaining (hence, “Game Show”) but not as funny as Pat Sajak himself.
@ :03 The stoic face of a man who’s been doing this way too long.
@ :26 This *sshole guessed the only other letter not in the puzzle. They never use “q”. Everyone knows that.
@ :43 Pat “pretends” not to hear that she’s asked to solve.
@ :44 The pause is wayyyy more valuable than anything else he could’ve ever said in that moment.
@ :54 That’s pretty f*ckin rad. But not impossible. Wheel of Fortune is just a process of elimination, so by default phrases such as
“I’m gonna git u sucka”
“I’ma whoop yo’ ass”
“I’ll have your money by Friday”
are out of the question because
a.) There’s an “l”
b.) There’s an “r”
Thus arriving at the only other logical choice, “I’ve got a good feeling about this”.
@ 1:01 Look @ the same *sshole from :26 eyeballing this chick. He is saltier than Barnyard Chicken.
@ 1:09 Pat Sajak’s gut makes a guest appearance for the special event
@ 1:24 It’s not funny the 4th time. We heard you the 1st three.
Indeed.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
New Vid: Geezer Vs. Geezer- MC Hammer Disses Jay-Z in New Track
Who else was completely unaware MC Hammer was still alive in a sparring match with Jiggaman?
“Hammer went broke, so you know I’m more focused/I lost 30 mil’, so I spent another 30/’Cause unlike Hammer, 30 million can’t hurt me.- Jay-Z on Kanye West’s “So Appalled”
@ :01 At least this is in HD.
@ 1:07 Who’s idea was it for a close up on Hammer while he licked his lips??
@ 1:08 Why is this office sh*t so long?
@ 1:38 This is an extreme case of Moobs. Yes. Man boobs. Gimmie my credit on that word when you outsource it.
@ 1:45 BWHAHAHAH Those shirts are obnoxious
@ 1:53 Ciara?
@ 2:16 Did he just tweek?
@ 2:44 That is not the least bit intimidating.
@ 2:27 Enough of Ciara’s solo now.
@ 3:24You can tell that was one of those lines he thought was really clever. Probably exclaimed “Oh Dip!”
P.S.: Didn’t Jay sell Rocawear a couple of years ago?
@ 3:35 Is Stanley Kirk Burell even from N.Y.? That’s what I thought.
@ 4:35 In Jay’s defense, he’s not that fat.
I kinda want Jay-Z to respond to this. Not, in like, a Super Ugly type of way…but in like an “I know this is sh*tty & I just wanted to let you know that I’m aware it exists and I think this is sh*tty” type of way.
If that doesn’t work out, he can always just play with himself.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Operation Get Paterson Out Of Here: The Rent Is Too Damn High Party
There’s a Gubernatorial race going on in New York.
A simple vie for a political seat has turned into a night at Mandalay Bay.
But now, it’s no longer a sh*tty catfight, thanks to this guy:
He is Jimmy McMillan. Part ‘Nam war vet, Part insanity. 100% awesome.
He also bears a striking resemblance to America’s favorite vet,
I thought Cuomo had my vote all sewn up. Now, my friends, we’ve got ourselves a race.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Why “The View” Is F**ked, Reason #786 (The Bill O’Reilly Edition)
Bill O’ Reilly was on “The View” this morning. This is what happened.
What a mess.
No doubt the Mosque issue is a sensitive one.
Bill O’Reilly is a frozen head from 1760 polarizing figure. You have to watch him to know what he’s saying, but not for too long, you’ll lose brain matter. No matter the topic, he will find a way to dredge up the brimstone in you. Unless, of course, you’re Dipset.
The View is composed of a bunch of cackling b***hes.
Like oil and water, or like whatever two elements you mix together to go “BOOM!”, it should have already been known
by the talent booker
by the producers
by the doorman
by O’ Reilly’s nose hairs
that this was going to get out of hand.
Whoopi was out of pocket during Mel KKK Gibsongate, and now this. Even though O’Reilly is a sh*tty, sh*tty person– it was still an interview. Her and the older Ginger shouldn’t have walked out. The audience seemed confused too– they cheered @ 1:36, then again when Thelma & Louise Ginger & Dread walked off of the stage. You can’t agree with both. This only tells me that the audience is comprised of exactly what I thought it was: squirrel monkeys.
Whatever.
The bigger issue here is why Whoopi looks pregnant.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Miami PD Says Jay-Z Is A Gangbanger. And Draws A Picture Of It
So Jay-Z’s raps reflect… Jay-Z. Especially then.
But, like, in September, Jay accomplished a tiny feat… one you might have heard of:
Shawn Carter came a long way. The Beyonce is also married to him.
Not to say that
a.) America’s rich do not commit crimes
b.) Sharing a Forbes cover with Warren Buffet makes one any less of a criminal (if one does, indeed, participate in criminal activity)
c.) Being on a Forbes cover at all automatically vindicates one of any wrongdoing (In fact, it’s probably what got them there in the first place)
but this sh*t is definitely wrong.
Good F*ckin Grief.
This is only a stark reminder that racism, stereotyping, racial profiling, prejudice, biggotry, and a Jim Jones/Jay beef are still very much alive and prevalent.
or
That a gang comprised of 2 Jay-Zs, a Mexican crossdresser, an Asian & a bat-wielding Ginger kid is coming to get you.
Miami might be mad with the Jiggaman,
-Perhaps he’s disrespected their night club couches a time or two
-Perhaps he had a hand in Dwayne Wade’s preseason injury
-Perhaps he’s actually be a law-abiding citizen who no longer rolls with entourages that blow weed every where they go and carry an artillery with them.
-Perhaps he owns property in Miami, which allows him to pay taxes there, which allows those very policemen to protect Jay-Z from…Jay-Z
-Perhaps he’s a successful Black man who capitalized on the American Dream.
-Perhaps they’re still mad at him for this:
Whatever the case may be, the Miami Police Department removed the banner from their website. It’s too late, it already lives on the “internets”.
MPD Spokesperson Naiper Velazquez they were going to contact the IT department to find out who drew this with KidPix the picture’s origins.
I wonder where?
How Reggie Bush Became History’s 1st Negro to Be Stripped of the Heisman
He’s the 1st winner in history to be stripped of the title, and he’s a negro.
There is no other way to portray Reggie Bush giving back his Heisman Trophy than with a montage.
It’s how one describes all of life’s monumental events.
Bush as a junior at USC. Smiling like the Cheshire Cat because he hasn’t paid for sh*t in the last year.
The house that scandal built. Or some weird sports memorabilia guy named Michael Michaels (warning sign #1) who let Bush’s parents move in rent-free after they have financial troubles. Michaels also tries to strong arm them into his business. It doesn’t work.
Here they are in 2005 at the award ceremony. The Heisman’s running away already.
Shiftee like Onyx at the 2006 NFL Draft. He goes #2. The other one who kinda looks like him but less attractive, Vince Young, goes #3.
Reggie meets hooker. Things go awry.
Until
The man in the gray finishes caressing his chest and kisses him New Orleans Saints win the Superbowl. No one’s thinking about illegal NCAA gifts now.
Reggie & Hoochie call it quits.
But he gets tangled up with other pointless hoe, Amber Rose. Rose & Kardashian get into a “Twit-fight”.
Then came last week.
Yahoo! Sports conducted an interview with the running back where Bush said quote:
“I’m not even thinking about that. I haven’t gone that far. Here we are the day before the biggest game of the new season [the Saints play host to the Vikings in the NFL opener Thursday], and that’s where my focus is…
Translation:
[Insert 5-letter noun here]z ain’t even worried ’bout that sh*t. [Insert 5-letter noun here]z thinkin’ bout this big ass game tomorrow.”
Saints went on to beat the Vikings, 14-9 in the NFL season (and their home) opener.
Said Reggie via his own ReggieBush.com yesterday afternoon:
I will forever appreciate the honor bestowed upon me as a winner of the Heisman. While this decision is heart-breaking, I find solace in knowing that the award was made possible by the support and love of so many. Those are gifts that can never be taken away.
Translation:
“Ain’t really sh*t I could do about this. You can’t get all that sh*t you gave me back anyway! Besides, [Insert 5-letter noun here]z got a Superbowl Ring, so I could give a sh*t. My bad USC.”
I think we can all concur on how appropriate this is.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
What Mel Gibson Needs:
He’s Racist.
He’s Anti-Semitic.
He’s Sexist.
He’s Mel Gibson.
And he’s in the middle of a nasty custody battle with his babymamma, Oksana Grigorieva, over their 8 month old daughter, Lucia. In case you’ve been too busy snorting coke, last week we heard he was rumored to have lit into her with a string of obscenities, fit for a cronie of Glenn Beck.
Here’s the newest tape, released today:
Here’s the tape released over the weekend:
Obviously this man savage has a couple of issues. What do you think this wildebeest needs in order to mellow out & join hands with the love train?
(Could somebody put some lotion on this n****’s knuckles?)
1. Hang Out With Dipset
No trip to Harlem is complete without eating at Sylvia’s, visiting The Apollo Theater, attending the Schomburg, and of course, hangin’ with the Dips.
See? Even Cam & Jimmy can hold hands so Juelz can jump rope.
Perhaps listening to a Hell Rell album could help Gibson’s understanding of the Black experience? Perhaps cutting an album would help channel some of that frustration lunacy?
2. Get A Lap Dance
Nothing says “I respect women” more than patronizing all the lovely services they have to offer. Gibson should pick his favorite (equal opportunity) topless bar and enjoy the ride.
Besides, you have to support anyone who “uses what they got to get what they want”.
3. Penny Pinch
Perhaps one of the Jewiest qualities around, Gibson better not squander his close-to-billion dollar fortune. He’s going to need every cent for the libel to defend him from the backlash these comments (and other) allegations will cause. The Blacks The Jews went after him before, and will see to it that Gibson (literally) pays.
Ari Emmanuel didn’t like this use of the n-word very much, and finally dropped Mel from the William Morris Agency. Didn’t Emmanuel refuse Wesley Snipes a script because he said “Blacks don’t swim”? They don’t though, right?
4. Get Racially Profiled
Nothing says “we think [Insert 5-letter adjective here] don’t have nice things” “Negro” more than a routine traffic stop of a Black man in a nice semi-decent barely functioning car.
5. Enroll in Scared Straight Program
Well, I think that says all that needs to be said.
Being Mel Gibson is hard. As a blue-eyed white male, no one truly understands his struggle. The pressures of being an A list Hollywood actor, minimal financial woes (and by minimal I mean not having change for $10,000) how could we not see the world from his perspective? Shame on…everyone else who realized 1865 happened, the Civil Rights Movement occurred, and it’s f*ckin retarded to be racist, sexist and bigoted.
One thing is for sure.
Nobody was googling Mel Gibson like they were Taylor Lautner before this…
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Well Lookie Lookie…
This has been quite the convict week. What do Lindsay Lohan, OJ Simpson, & Glenn Beck have in common? Besides sucking?
They all IMMENSELY suck.
1. OJ getting married.
Never mind the fact that he has a spotty guilty past, This [Insert 5-letter adjective here] is about to get married again. This time to some chick psycho named Ana he never met. He saw a picture of her, and it reminded him of Nicole Brown.
How does an incarcerated OJ even know this woman?
They’re f*cking pen pals.
Aside from the fact that it’s no longer 1876, this is ludicrous. Wouldn’t necessarily call OJ the “marrying type.”
2. Lindsay Lohan and the Long Arm of the Law.
This girl is a cokewhore. She’s proven it to us time & time again.
Donning “fuck you” nails at her court trial yesterday, Lohan had the nerve to say her 90-day sentence for all the reckless sh*t she did was a “violation of human rights”.
Oscar Grant is a violation of human rights.
The thing is, she’ll probably end up only doing 3 weeks.
1st you have to be a human in order for your rights to be violated.
The self-proclaimed “Milkaholic” is set to do jail time, beginning July 20th. What other “-aholics” can you come up with for Lindsay?
I’ve got 3:
“Alch-”
“Adderol-”
“Skank-”
It’s gotten to the point where her lawyer Shawn Chapmann Holley quit. Perhaps she was tired of Lohan making her look like she can’t control her client? Black people don’t like to be embarrassed.
3. Glenn Beck U.
A guy takes one theology class at Yale & drops out, and he thinks he can start a university? Joining the ranks of ITT Tech, Apex, DeVry & Clown College, Beck is opening up a 9-part online course on his website. I refuse to post the link.
Perhaps one of the most non-embodying types of what the word university actually means, the hate-monger-er should be the last
(one of the last)
people things to get a school.
Then again…how different is this than tuning into Beck daily on Fox, or on the radio?
Oh. You pay $74.95 a year.
At least Sallie Mae won’t live in your ass.
At least, in light of the LeBron James soap Opera, Pat Riley =
Love,
*Ms. Officer
