Category Archives: Is This Racist?
Everyone Looks The Same To Me Vol. 26 : REPBULICAN EDITION
On the heels of last night’s rancid Republican debates, I made some astonishing realizations:
- Oh sh*t we are in trouble because (one) of these is the potential Republican nominee.
- There is an awful lot of sexual tension between Mitt Romney & Rick Perry.
- Oh sh*t I dropped a peice of bacon.
- This entire thing is sh*ttily and blatantly racist
Equal parts fear and hilarity moved through me whilst I watched 63 old White men, 1 ex- Rhythym Nation extra & the Token Negro “debate”.
Certainly I could not listen to Ron Paul whine,
but I did notice that he looked remarkably like
none other than
Former star of Road Trip,
and not really a DJ even though his initials are D.J.,
DJ QUALLS
Or,
Will look like Ron Paul
IN APROXIMATELY 388 YEARS
Oh, but that’s not all folks.
YOU GET TWO FOR THE PRICE OF ONE TODAY
The lone Negro here,furthering our race’s setbacks with those comments Herman Cain,
Looks much too much like one of my favorite people
Martin Lawrence
BY THIS ADMISSION, HAS HERMAN CAIN RUINED THE RERUNS OF ONE OF MY FAVORITE SHOWS?
PERHAPS.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Public Farts
Are defined as “everywhere you’re subject to other people in close proximity & confined spaces.”
Trains
Checkout lines
Banks
Here
Fact of the matter is, we’re all subject to it once we leave our houses.
and it is Randy.
This may seem like no big deal, but in those 30-45 seconds when your breathing air gets rudely interrupted, can feel like a putrid eternity.
Such was the scene of this morning’s crime.
The D train was where remnants of someone’s last (unpleasant) meal were released into my nostrils.
I narrow my eyes. The odor invades my nose. Someone nearby has farted. Perhaps not loudly, but it smells deafening.
It was a lot less crowded than usual, but there is a simple formula anyone can use anywhere:
Fart Probability= Sq. Ft. x # Of People + What They Ate – Ventilation
As the # of people increases, so does your Fart Probability.
There’s nothing worse than when this moment intersects with an open mouth.
Many times the gas is intrusive, obnoxious. Often times I am able to readily identify the offender, simply by sending an angry glare:
to the old Chinese woman with 6 bags of fish
to the White businessman figuring out which way to read the Times
to the fat Black dude
to the child
thereby putting the adage “whoever smelt it, dealt it” to rest.
Today, I’ve had enough.
What kind of person are you to fart in a place with no escape?
What sanctions are appropriate for this offense?
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Hilarity Pt. 39- Sarah Palin Is Good Masturbation Material
At least according to America’s favorite self- toucher, Tracy Morgan:
This came during TNT’s Knicks/Heat (#BeattheHeat) pregame when Barkley commented that this ballsack Sarah Palin was pretty.
Tracy’s always good for the hearty laugh.
Then TNT issued an apology.
Not that anyone cared.
Not that this one line was funnier than his most recent comedy special.
Not that this action will ever stop Morgan’s insanity
…or his thoughts of Alaska’s former governor accompanied by Vaseline.
Aight, chief.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Hilarity Pt. 38: Wiz Khalifa Feat. Vinny from Jersey Shore- Black & Guido
This exists.
@ :01 Black & Guido by Vinny LadyGagagadino
@ :06 I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat? Freshly Waxed, Abrasive Eyebrows!
@ :17 If I turn this hat around, I’ll look like Jay-Z in the “New York Video”. And my hat is Black too.
@ :28 Step 1: Meet Black Girl. Step 2: Complement butt. Step 3: Tell her inevitable bird friends “stop hay-in”. Then all Black guys will like that.
@ :38 They’re going crazy cuz I’m White & She’s Black. It’s like it’s never been done before. Legally. Like pre- 1967.
@ :39 See? Color doesn’t matter. Because Vinny said so.
@ :45 If an actual Negro comes by, his Black approval will be sealed.
@ :53 Funny, I introduce myself to every White male I meet by saying “Aye, don’t u see my skin’s brown?”. Comes right before my name.
@ :54 That’s usually the response.
@ 1:14 So if Ciara & Kerry Wash (ington) are watching, Vinny likes you. Check yes, no, or maybe.
@ 1:34 Eb-on-y & I-vo-ry go together in perfect har-mo-ny
@ 1:40 Bouncing around with even more guys definitely helps his case.
@ 1:41 Glad everyone remembered the uniform. “Wear something Black, but your hat has to be black.”
@ 1:51 There are a lot of halfie Black & Guido heroes. Denzel, for one, Al Pacino, for another. He’s right. They made a great couple.
@ 2:01 Pirouettes always drive points home.
@ 2:14 Yay! More men for the now equally raced frank & bean party!
@ 2:16 These hats are really doing the trick. I see this is the effect they were going for.
@ 2:53 Uh-oh the fat one didn’t get the memo
@ 3:16 It’s like an all-male mostly Italian rainbow
@ 3:28 The dog = representation of Buido love. (Please give me credit once you outsource this word)
@ 3:42 I half expect this guy in the right hand corner to blow a kiss.
And now I know what “Chillin’ wit my boyz” means.
The Jon B. Effect just doesn’t apply here. See Chapter 1: Robin Thicke’s Father Was The Father On Growing Pains for further reference.
The question still remains:
Kanye West Vs. Matt Lauer?
Not necessarily expecting a “vs.” in between those two names. Nonetheless…
Whenever news anchors do that “sit-down-and-lemme-explain-to-you-what-the-f*ck-I-had-to-deal-with-here-before-I-introduce-every-clip” thingy, it usually means it wasn’t good.
Or was bizarre.
Orgionally I wanted to file this under “Hilarity”, but then I didn’t want to diminish what Kanye was saying, because he had some valid points.
But a lot of it was funny.
It starts @ :28 when Bush plunks his hands on the table beside the glass of water he’ll soon put his teeth in to demonstrate just how frustrated he was with Mr. West.
It ends @ :55 when Lauer points all the sh*t that has went miserably, extremely, disgustingly wrong in Bush’s 8 year dictatorship of this country.
When it was released last week that Bush named Kanye’s outburst as his most damming moment as president, that should’ve set off a loud f*ckin alarm to, like, everyone to not vote the whole f*cking House red.
Kanye shouldn’t have apologized just because this raisin came on the Today show 5 years after Katrina, still whining about what the rapper/producer said. When Ye made that statement, he hit the nail on the head– the country was teeming with frustration -the blatant disrespect & disregard shown to the people of New Orleans & the Gulf states- who were trapped while Bush was doing this:
Cutting cake on an Air Force Base with a f*cking fossil.
I’ve never been President.
BUT
I gather there are some instances where you’ve gotta stop whatever the f*ck you were doing & tend to the country. They include:
- More crop circles
- Another Fantasia album
- 1/3 of your empire is under f*cking water and no one can do anything about it.
Maybe it’s just me.
What’s most notable about this entire ordeal is that Lauer still thought Kanye would return for their Thanksgiving-y show in a couple of weeks.
Any moron with two peanuts in their brain could gather that after this performance this would not happen. Just to be sure, Kanye Tweeted it this morning.
Lesson:
- West shouldn’t have apologized
- The Taylor footage obviously struck a nerve
- In Kanye’s defense, Meredith was a little witchy at the end.
- This many Black people have never cared about the Today Show. Ever.
There. It’s settled.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Hilarity Pt. 33- The Wheel of Fortune Miracle
Ok, not really. The video itself is entertaining (hence, “Game Show”) but not as funny as Pat Sajak himself.
@ :03 The stoic face of a man who’s been doing this way too long.
@ :26 This *sshole guessed the only other letter not in the puzzle. They never use “q”. Everyone knows that.
@ :43 Pat “pretends” not to hear that she’s asked to solve.
@ :44 The pause is wayyyy more valuable than anything else he could’ve ever said in that moment.
@ :54 That’s pretty f*ckin rad. But not impossible. Wheel of Fortune is just a process of elimination, so by default phrases such as
“I’m gonna git u sucka”
“I’ma whoop yo’ ass”
“I’ll have your money by Friday”
are out of the question because
a.) There’s an “l”
b.) There’s an “r”
Thus arriving at the only other logical choice, “I’ve got a good feeling about this”.
@ 1:01 Look @ the same *sshole from :26 eyeballing this chick. He is saltier than Barnyard Chicken.
@ 1:09 Pat Sajak’s gut makes a guest appearance for the special event
@ 1:24 It’s not funny the 4th time. We heard you the 1st three.
Indeed.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Operation Get Paterson Out Of Here: The Rent Is Too Damn High Party
There’s a Gubernatorial race going on in New York.
A simple vie for a political seat has turned into a night at Mandalay Bay.
But now, it’s no longer a sh*tty catfight, thanks to this guy:
He is Jimmy McMillan. Part ‘Nam war vet, Part insanity. 100% awesome.
He also bears a striking resemblance to America’s favorite vet,
I thought Cuomo had my vote all sewn up. Now, my friends, we’ve got ourselves a race.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Hilarity Pt. 29- Jersey Shore Learns To Dougie
Kinda.
I have been having a frustrating day, and Dawnie posted this on my wall.
[Insert Guffaw Here] Thanks Dawnie!
Let’s get this straight. None of them can dance. Stick to “Beating Up The Beat”.
-Vinny looks like he’s just watching Pauly and (poorly) doing whatever he does
-Ronnie looks high & keeps doing that plane thing with his arms
-They gave up listening to the beat after :30
-Bwhahahah Ronnie’s on coke @ :58
- @1:13 I decided I couldn’t watch anymore, but you get the point. Still hilarious. A great pick-me-up.
Moral of the story: Leave the fistpumping to Guidos, leave dancing to Black people.
Doesn’t really translate well when it’s still…
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Why “The View” Is F**ked, Reason #786 (The Bill O’Reilly Edition)
Bill O’ Reilly was on “The View” this morning. This is what happened.
What a mess.
No doubt the Mosque issue is a sensitive one.
Bill O’Reilly is a frozen head from 1760 polarizing figure. You have to watch him to know what he’s saying, but not for too long, you’ll lose brain matter. No matter the topic, he will find a way to dredge up the brimstone in you. Unless, of course, you’re Dipset.
The View is composed of a bunch of cackling b***hes.
Like oil and water, or like whatever two elements you mix together to go “BOOM!”, it should have already been known
by the talent booker
by the producers
by the doorman
by O’ Reilly’s nose hairs
that this was going to get out of hand.
Whoopi was out of pocket during Mel KKK Gibsongate, and now this. Even though O’Reilly is a sh*tty, sh*tty person– it was still an interview. Her and the older Ginger shouldn’t have walked out. The audience seemed confused too– they cheered @ 1:36, then again when Thelma & Louise Ginger & Dread walked off of the stage. You can’t agree with both. This only tells me that the audience is comprised of exactly what I thought it was: squirrel monkeys.
Whatever.
The bigger issue here is why Whoopi looks pregnant.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Hillarity Pt. 28- Bert & Ernie Rap to M.O.P.
This is completely swagger jacked from my friend Mike John Weisberg,
whom I affectionately call Vick. As in Michael “Don’t-have-him-babysit-your-dog-over-the-weekend-but-its-okay-now-cuz-he’s-playing-good-football” Vick. It’s what he insisted I called him upon meeting him our freshman year in college. Anywho, he posted this to his friends facebook page, and in the true stalker essence Facebook represents, it showed up on my news feed.
I’m glad he was able to appreciate this, considering Vick is half selectively deaf. It made me laugh out loud, hard, and not many things can do that.
Thank You to the genius mind that incorporated M.O.P. with Sesame Street.I don’t really see a difference.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Miami PD Says Jay-Z Is A Gangbanger. And Draws A Picture Of It
So Jay-Z’s raps reflect… Jay-Z. Especially then.
But, like, in September, Jay accomplished a tiny feat… one you might have heard of:
Shawn Carter came a long way. The Beyonce is also married to him.
Not to say that
a.) America’s rich do not commit crimes
b.) Sharing a Forbes cover with Warren Buffet makes one any less of a criminal (if one does, indeed, participate in criminal activity)
c.) Being on a Forbes cover at all automatically vindicates one of any wrongdoing (In fact, it’s probably what got them there in the first place)
but this sh*t is definitely wrong.
Good F*ckin Grief.
This is only a stark reminder that racism, stereotyping, racial profiling, prejudice, biggotry, and a Jim Jones/Jay beef are still very much alive and prevalent.
or
That a gang comprised of 2 Jay-Zs, a Mexican crossdresser, an Asian & a bat-wielding Ginger kid is coming to get you.
Miami might be mad with the Jiggaman,
-Perhaps he’s disrespected their night club couches a time or two
-Perhaps he had a hand in Dwayne Wade’s preseason injury
-Perhaps he’s actually be a law-abiding citizen who no longer rolls with entourages that blow weed every where they go and carry an artillery with them.
-Perhaps he owns property in Miami, which allows him to pay taxes there, which allows those very policemen to protect Jay-Z from…Jay-Z
-Perhaps he’s a successful Black man who capitalized on the American Dream.
-Perhaps they’re still mad at him for this:
Whatever the case may be, the Miami Police Department removed the banner from their website. It’s too late, it already lives on the “internets”.
MPD Spokesperson Naiper Velazquez they were going to contact the IT department to find out who drew this with KidPix the picture’s origins.
I wonder where?
Hilarity Pt. 25- Rude Boy
White people can’t dance.
As if all other scientific studies haven’t justified this, here’s yet another video proving it true.
I’m pretty sure this was not the intended use of Rihanna’s Rude Boy.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
What Mel Gibson Needs:
He’s Racist.
He’s Anti-Semitic.
He’s Sexist.
He’s Mel Gibson.
And he’s in the middle of a nasty custody battle with his babymamma, Oksana Grigorieva, over their 8 month old daughter, Lucia. In case you’ve been too busy snorting coke, last week we heard he was rumored to have lit into her with a string of obscenities, fit for a cronie of Glenn Beck.
Here’s the newest tape, released today:
Here’s the tape released over the weekend:
Obviously this man savage has a couple of issues. What do you think this wildebeest needs in order to mellow out & join hands with the love train?
(Could somebody put some lotion on this n****’s knuckles?)
1. Hang Out With Dipset
No trip to Harlem is complete without eating at Sylvia’s, visiting The Apollo Theater, attending the Schomburg, and of course, hangin’ with the Dips.
See? Even Cam & Jimmy can hold hands so Juelz can jump rope.
Perhaps listening to a Hell Rell album could help Gibson’s understanding of the Black experience? Perhaps cutting an album would help channel some of that frustration lunacy?
2. Get A Lap Dance
Nothing says “I respect women” more than patronizing all the lovely services they have to offer. Gibson should pick his favorite (equal opportunity) topless bar and enjoy the ride.
Besides, you have to support anyone who “uses what they got to get what they want”.
3. Penny Pinch
Perhaps one of the Jewiest qualities around, Gibson better not squander his close-to-billion dollar fortune. He’s going to need every cent for the libel to defend him from the backlash these comments (and other) allegations will cause. The Blacks The Jews went after him before, and will see to it that Gibson (literally) pays.
Ari Emmanuel didn’t like this use of the n-word very much, and finally dropped Mel from the William Morris Agency. Didn’t Emmanuel refuse Wesley Snipes a script because he said “Blacks don’t swim”? They don’t though, right?
4. Get Racially Profiled
Nothing says “we think [Insert 5-letter adjective here] don’t have nice things” “Negro” more than a routine traffic stop of a Black man in a nice semi-decent barely functioning car.
5. Enroll in Scared Straight Program
Well, I think that says all that needs to be said.
Being Mel Gibson is hard. As a blue-eyed white male, no one truly understands his struggle. The pressures of being an A list Hollywood actor, minimal financial woes (and by minimal I mean not having change for $10,000) how could we not see the world from his perspective? Shame on…everyone else who realized 1865 happened, the Civil Rights Movement occurred, and it’s f*ckin retarded to be racist, sexist and bigoted.
One thing is for sure.
Nobody was googling Mel Gibson like they were Taylor Lautner before this…
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Well Lookie Lookie…
This has been quite the convict week. What do Lindsay Lohan, OJ Simpson, & Glenn Beck have in common? Besides sucking?
They all IMMENSELY suck.
1. OJ getting married.
Never mind the fact that he has a spotty guilty past, This [Insert 5-letter adjective here] is about to get married again. This time to some chick psycho named Ana he never met. He saw a picture of her, and it reminded him of Nicole Brown.
How does an incarcerated OJ even know this woman?
They’re f*cking pen pals.
Aside from the fact that it’s no longer 1876, this is ludicrous. Wouldn’t necessarily call OJ the “marrying type.”
2. Lindsay Lohan and the Long Arm of the Law.
This girl is a cokewhore. She’s proven it to us time & time again.
Donning “fuck you” nails at her court trial yesterday, Lohan had the nerve to say her 90-day sentence for all the reckless sh*t she did was a “violation of human rights”.
Oscar Grant is a violation of human rights.
The thing is, she’ll probably end up only doing 3 weeks.
1st you have to be a human in order for your rights to be violated.
The self-proclaimed “Milkaholic” is set to do jail time, beginning July 20th. What other “-aholics” can you come up with for Lindsay?
I’ve got 3:
“Alch-”
“Adderol-”
“Skank-”
It’s gotten to the point where her lawyer Shawn Chapmann Holley quit. Perhaps she was tired of Lohan making her look like she can’t control her client? Black people don’t like to be embarrassed.
3. Glenn Beck U.
A guy takes one theology class at Yale & drops out, and he thinks he can start a university? Joining the ranks of ITT Tech, Apex, DeVry & Clown College, Beck is opening up a 9-part online course on his website. I refuse to post the link.
Perhaps one of the most non-embodying types of what the word university actually means, the hate-monger-er should be the last
(one of the last)
people things to get a school.
Then again…how different is this than tuning into Beck daily on Fox, or on the radio?
Oh. You pay $74.95 a year.
At least Sallie Mae won’t live in your ass.
At least, in light of the LeBron James soap Opera, Pat Riley =
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Cops Vs. Black People
Ok, maybe in this case, just a couple of Black teenage girls.
Surfacing on Wednesday, this video conjured up quite the stir:
Reactions to this video fell into 1 of 3 categories:
1. Outrage at the cop, side with the girls
2. Control the girls, side with the cop
3. This sh*t was funny.
I saw this on Wednesday. Looking at the video, I fell into category #1. But much to my surprise…many people who saw this fell into category #3.
Here’s how I look at it:
Category 1.
There are a couple of teenage girls, sequestered by this cop for having J-walked. The cop, clearly stronger more horizontal than both of the females (though, one in particular is sizable) feels the need to “discipline them”.
-He should have known better.
-He did not have to rip that girl’s shirt.
-For simply J-walking, the force was excessive.
-There is entirely too much animosity between these two groups for this to be happening. Again.
-Much like cocaine, Police discretion is a helluva drug.
Category 2.
However I can see the other side of the game.
-This cop is surrounded by Black kids who may or may not attack him solely based on the strained relationship between the two groups.
-People know how kids can be.
Let’s not act like teenagers are a walk in the park. Everyone winces when they get on the bus, or are in packs at any public venue that doesn’t include a school.
Category 3.
… Well, I don’t really see this video falling into the same realm as
But I guess many of you do. It just grates my nerves in the worst way when I see a man hit a woman, in any way shape or form.
More so, should those girls have even defended themselves against that policeman? Of course I had the inevitable “well, you know Black people ain’t supposed to argue with the po-lice” conversation. So when something’s obviously wrong illegal abuse of power, should the scenario go like this?:
But then again, the other side of that is…
Here are the general facts:
- A cop saw 4 young women J walking when he was talking to a man on the street.
-Officer stops the convo & asks the girls to step near his car.
-Officials said he was then met with not-so-kind words. (Probably a bunch of 4-word expletives, couple of “F-yous”, a few “sh*theads”, I’m sure)
-One of the girls ( a 19 year old) just began to walk away after a while. When she didn’t come back, against the officer’s wishes, he went over to her to bring her back to his vehicle. And that’s when the story begins.
Oh, and they’re calling this assault of a police officer.
Discuss.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
