Category Archives: Anybody Can Be With Anybody
Missed Connections-Ism
Nation, it’s been exactly two weeks since I laid eyes the most beautiful actual man I HAVE EVAR SEEN. EVAR.
One of the most startling things about this encounter, was that it never really was.
Or was it?
Was Fuzzy Wuzzy Fuzzy?
I digress. I was waiting for the 2 at Church Avenue in Brooklyn,
when I looked to my right (actual view) & I immediately locked eyes [Insert comment about cliche here] with the only person I saw in that sh*ttily crowded station.
Sexy Mc Sex-Sex was 6’3-6’4, (Men that tall automatically make me want to have intercourse) late 20′s/(very) early 30′s, Not skinny, not fat, juuust right. Fit, blue eyes, perfectly toussled blonde hair.
Sexy Mc Sex-Sex was accompanied by an older gentleman, small amounts of gray hair salted in between is mostly pepper strands. He somewhat looked like my dreamguy but not really, leading me to believe this was his father uncle. The man also had a pot belly. Not like a big pot, but like a little one you’d use to boil water. Or porridge.
The older man was holding a map of NYC. Which leads me to believe at least 1 of the two was visiting.
Let’s be clear: Church Ave. is nowhere near Downtown Brooklyn, Park Slope, Fort Greene, or any other heavily gentrified tourist-y area. Instead, it’s like getting off at Port-Au-Prince. This gives me small hope that Mr. Flawless lives has some sort of business in the neighborhood.
Which leads me to my next point.
Craigslist is typically a place where people go to die, or at the very least, find out who (else) wants to touch their penis for the night. This all occurs anonymously, until, of course Cookies & Chris Hansen track you back. The Chester Child Molester site interface does not help the site’s cause or credibility.
You may think I’m being hard on the cyber savage breeding ground, but that’s only because I had a terrible experience with an apartment there a couple of years ago.
That said, it’s only natural I take to Craigslist to see if I’d snagged a “Missed Connection”.
Naturally this would present the following dichotomy:
A. Sh*t, this dude is a creep, because he knew about this torrid place
[Aside: Might I digress that I found out about "Missed Connections" is a recent issue of Cosmo Magaizne. I hold a subscription]
B. OMG, he. Is. Like, SO THOUGHTFUL, HE WANTED ME BACK
After we reckless eyeballed each other recklessly on the platform, we did the same going onto the train. He came up right behind me, the older gentleman forcing his way ahead, but Sexy Mc Sex-Sex, hung back so I could board first. LIKE A LADY SHOULD. Here we looked directly into one another’s faces. I semi smiled. At least I think I did.
DEAR GOODNESS WHY DID I NOT SAY ANYTHING
I sit, they sit. Realizing I cannot continue my eyeballing, I pretend to need the subway map to reclaim my optimal view. In 15 minutes I got off, they stayed on. Haven’t seen ‘em since.
For some reason I’ve tossed and turned all of this week over it, and have been checking that wretched site for a tiny sliver that I might redeem myself. Get that future argument where I yell at him for sneaking onions into my omlette. Or argue that LeBron’s hairline will be back before this NBA season.
I’d hoped “Missed Connections” could be my ticket to sexcellence, but, to no avail. At least not yet. I’ll consider this a personal ABP.
For some reason I’ve tossed and turned all of this week over it. So on the off chance that any of you will know who this is, MAKE HIM SEEN.
I look forward to our Jew-froed children.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Hilarity Pt. 38: Wiz Khalifa Feat. Vinny from Jersey Shore- Black & Guido
This exists.
@ :01 Black & Guido by Vinny LadyGagagadino
@ :06 I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat? Freshly Waxed, Abrasive Eyebrows!
@ :17 If I turn this hat around, I’ll look like Jay-Z in the “New York Video”. And my hat is Black too.
@ :28 Step 1: Meet Black Girl. Step 2: Complement butt. Step 3: Tell her inevitable bird friends “stop hay-in”. Then all Black guys will like that.
@ :38 They’re going crazy cuz I’m White & She’s Black. It’s like it’s never been done before. Legally. Like pre- 1967.
@ :39 See? Color doesn’t matter. Because Vinny said so.
@ :45 If an actual Negro comes by, his Black approval will be sealed.
@ :53 Funny, I introduce myself to every White male I meet by saying “Aye, don’t u see my skin’s brown?”. Comes right before my name.
@ :54 That’s usually the response.
@ 1:14 So if Ciara & Kerry Wash (ington) are watching, Vinny likes you. Check yes, no, or maybe.
@ 1:34 Eb-on-y & I-vo-ry go together in perfect har-mo-ny
@ 1:40 Bouncing around with even more guys definitely helps his case.
@ 1:41 Glad everyone remembered the uniform. “Wear something Black, but your hat has to be black.”
@ 1:51 There are a lot of halfie Black & Guido heroes. Denzel, for one, Al Pacino, for another. He’s right. They made a great couple.
@ 2:01 Pirouettes always drive points home.
@ 2:14 Yay! More men for the now equally raced frank & bean party!
@ 2:16 These hats are really doing the trick. I see this is the effect they were going for.
@ 2:53 Uh-oh the fat one didn’t get the memo
@ 3:16 It’s like an all-male mostly Italian rainbow
@ 3:28 The dog = representation of Buido love. (Please give me credit once you outsource this word)
@ 3:42 I half expect this guy in the right hand corner to blow a kiss.
And now I know what “Chillin’ wit my boyz” means.
The Jon B. Effect just doesn’t apply here. See Chapter 1: Robin Thicke’s Father Was The Father On Growing Pains for further reference.
The question still remains:
Damn Vol. 8 (Takers Movie Edition)
Last night in an advanced screening, I saw the movie Takers. It’s in theaters tomorrow.
The film stars:
Michael Ealy
Idris Elba and that dumbass accent he insists on using
Hayden Christensen
Clifford T.I. Harris
Jay Hernandez
Matt Dillon
That Negro from The Practice with the bothersome lips
That Negro from The Wire
Chris Brown
Paul Walker
Other than the fact that it’s utterly difficult to maintain all brain cells and control cravings when looking at Walker, I liked the movie. It was what I call “stressful”. The team of 6 cohorts conspire to rob Armory trucks, a-la-Dead Presidents. When the other characters insisted on making their way onto the screen during the two hour running time, I cringed. John Rahway, played by Paul, is the eyes of the operation– he’s a sniper. An insanely hot sniper. Not sure if it was the meticulous portrayal of John’s mania, or his ridiculous eyes that tipped me over the edge.
P.S.: Why is this flick only rated PG-13? Was it the gratuitous violence they thought was inappropriate? The crackheads? The race mixing?
Loved him since Varsity Blues. An awful ’90′s movie I dragged my mother to see with me…because (aside from the rating)…
Motion for a law requiring Paul Walker to be topless at all times.
Unless he’s cold.
With me, of course, that would never happen.
He is definitely allowed to put a baby in me.
And he’s already in position.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Jay-Z Covers Rolling Stone
Can’t say I didn’t see this one coming.
After his intro in the newly-released Rolling Stone “500 Greatest Songs Of All Time”, (Seen Here) figures the next step would be for Jiggaman to have his own cover.
In it, he opens up about his husband The Beyonce:
On The Beyonce as an A&R, (Via People):
“Sometimes on creative stuff, one of us will ask, ‘Do you think this is cool?’ …She’s a magnificent A&R, if she ever decides to do that, for things like pitch. So I defer to her on those sort of questions.”
On A Picture The Beyonce Wouldn’t Let Him Keep:
B., as Jay-Z calls her, vetoed a black-and-white photograph by artist Laurie Simmons “depicting a noirishly lit pistol with a pair of women’s legs emerging from the handle,” reports the magazine. Beyoncé then had it replaced with a similar piece showing a perfume bottle instead of a gun to hang in their 8,000-sq.ft. New York City penthouse apartment. “It was more of a masculine style, I guess,” says Jay-Z.
Good to know Hip Hop’s 1st couple aren’t afraid of a little role reversal.
Why not?
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Badu Covers Vibe + Talks About Relations With Jay Electronica
While everyone’s talking about this
What many people are failing to realize is that this is one of those double cover deals.
The other side version of this stars…
And with Window Seat causing a stir,
Ms. Erykah Badu decided to reason the waves with her recent VIBE interview.
Some excerpts:
On Window Seat ‘s controversy:
“I look at some other videos. I’m not naming names, because I don’t want that to be mentioned. There is the thing with sexuality. I’m naked for 13 seconds, and these people are naked the whole time and gyrating and saying come “lick on my lollipop,” and “suck on my cinnamon roll,” and, you know, suggesting sex. People are uncomfortable with sexuality that’s not for male consumption. Could be ‘cause I did it in public too. Do you think people would have been complaining if I had on high-heel shoes?”
On what the deal is with her baby daddies how she raises her son:
“I was 27 when I had Seven. I was already a vegetarian. I had been for 10 years. I had started making choices that would shape me for the rest of my life. I never thought to measure by each child. My children are six years apart. It wasn’t planned, just how the relationships rolled out. I’ve had three unorthodox marriages of sorts. I’ve had the benefit of having substantial amount of time with people, mind-building time.”
On her relationship with Jay Electronica:
“I am a big fan and a supporter of [Jay Electronica's] evolution and growth as an artist. I write all his rhymes. I’m joking. [laughs] I’m always amazed and impressed with the things he comes up with. He definitely does what a partner is supposed to do, that is, evolve you.”
Makes sense, what she says about other music videos. Was it ever a problem here?
or here?
or here?
Eh, maybe we’re just snobs.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
This Is Weird. And Gross.
If you guessed Rielle Hunter, you were right.
Former presidential hopeful John Edwards’ baby mamma came out today in a spread for GQ magazine, for which she made sure to let us know she saw not 1 dime cuz Johnny is still paying her off, somewhere in the neighborhood of $150,000 calling it “child support”.
There is nothing remotely suave, appealing, or sexy about a woman who slept with a married man on the campaign trail, accused John’s buddy of fathering the child, then pointing the finger at Edwards himself once it became profitable.
It’s actually the exact opposite.
I don’t possibly see what can be attractive about this woman, so take a look at these odd pictures and decide for yourself:
Dressed in John Edwards’ shirt Was it really a good idea to put this woman in an oversized men’s shirt, seeing as how this is probably part of the whole problem in the first place?
What’s with the midriff and the baby? What, exactly is the situation which calls for both a half-shirt and a toddler?
This is easily the most bizarre picture of the trio. What is it with the stuffed animals and the pantslessness here? Is she trying to send some weird molester-y message here? What do the two have to do with each other?
Aside from John Edwards, does anyone have the desire to see this woman half naked?
She looks like him.
Yikes.
But I digress. If you care to be even more repulsed, here is actual video of the photo shoot.
http://www.gq.com/video?videoID=71716714001
This turns my stomach.
At least until it’s feeding time again.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Anybody Can Be With Anybody Vol. 2
Is upon us already. It’s like a ninja’s sneak attack. Happy as soon as it’s all over, but as it approaches it looms like a fu*ckin akward ass old man on the subway pretending to look at the map behind you.
Kinda like this oddball ass pair:
We all know how I feel about him.
Gabourey Sidibe, known for her role in Lee Daniel’s Precious, (which she played well) has been running her mouth in every possible interview she can about the date she wants to take to The Oscars, Justin Timberlake. Half-jokingly, she pleads that she’s been an *NSYNC fan
forever and would love it if he would accompany her to the big day.
Never mind the hugest f*cking obstacle, ever:
But Gabourey seems to have no regard or respect for their relationship. (Nor do I)
She said, quote (courtesy of Examiner.com)
“I want to make Justin Timberlake and Anthony Mackie (of “The Hurt Locker“) fight it out for the honor of being my date,” Sidibe gushed to eTalk this week. “I’m just going to throw them in the ring and make them do it!”
Then:
Yet in the essence of the holiday I find it important to point out what exactly bothers me about that whole thing is that if she can surpass the obvious hinderance of a girlfriend & convince him
he should take her out, I will most certainly fling myself off of some building.
Allow me to make this painstakingly clear: I am not upset that I do not have a date, vs. the fact that I am truly convinced anybody can be with anybody. If this can happen, there is no reason why I cannot make something spectacular happen on my end as well.
Since those interviews, Gabourey has went on record saying she’ll take her mom instead.
Guess what. If Timberlake decides he wants to be a part of this charade, guess who’s getting dropped from being Sidebe’s “date”?
Think Jessica Biel feels threatened?
I would be if I were her. Justin loves this:
I’m not sayin, I’m just sayin.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Anybody Can Be With Anybody
First off, let me say congratuations to Jennifer Hudson on her pregnancy. I’m sure by now, many of you have heard about it!
What I’m certain you didn’t know about was this knowledge that I’m about to drop on you suckas.
Picture this:
When he
was “busy” doin’ this:
Who would think that he would end up with
Take Jennifer Hudson, for instance: an accomplished singer & actress, who has defied many industry standards based not only on her appearance but on talent. She could certainly snag whomever she pleases out of a list of potential suitors.
And sure, we could go on and on wondering why David Otunga, a.k.a. ‘Punk’ even went on ‘I Love New York’, considering he seems to be a successful lawyer.
Aaaaaand I’m certain that
is aware that
Ol’ Crazy Eyes, has kissed
…Who’s gummed it up with
and then
….well now I know you get the point.
Yet this is proof folks that Anybody Can Be With Anybody.
Ain’t his eyes crazy lookin’? That sleep-deprived thing going on.
Anywho, they do look nice together here.
