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Where The Hell Did Time Go Wednesdays- DMX

To commemorate the latest use of X’s “Get Out of Jail Free Card”:

Yes, this really is the censored version.

Easily one of X’s best. Songs. EVAR. If you mange not to be distracted by the frilly pants on Dru Hill’s lead singer, or his gratuitous use of dragons, you too, may  come to this conclusion.

My high school friends would never let me forget this was the period where I used to “like” Sisqo. I would very much like to.

This came from a time where all music videos seemed to be shot in Harlem, which, somehow, is already 10 years ago.

Funny, because 10 is also the number of kids Earl Simmons has. Naturally we’ll learn more about this in an (alleged) upcoming DMX reality show. Should be interesting.

ONLY IF THEY PROMISE JA RULE CAN PARTICIPATE TOO.

Love,

*Ms. Officer

Ms. Officer and The Jon B. Interview

It’s been a while since I’ve published anything here, and with good reason.  I wanted my 1st post back to be special, and something you requested.

On a June afternoon, I hurry down to Herbert Von King Park to ensure I’m on time for my interview with Jon B.  Hurry may or may not be an understatement, the blocks in Bed-Stuy have not yet all been gentrified. This is that section. 

Jon headlined the show, with Olivia as his opener as part of the Summerstage concert series.  Why they picked this venue is beyond me.  Was Vanderveer Park overbooked?

Although I’d previously met Jon B. at his album release party for Helpless Romantic, I’d never actually seen him perform.  He is an amazing talent who hasn’t had the greatest promotion behind him over the years.  However– his fan base is extremely loyal.

Anyone who has ever been to Von King knows it’s recreation center resembles the 2nd floor of a Public School. 

If you manage to not be distracted by:

- the Negro yelling in the background,

- my humidity fried hair

-the seizure my camera friend appears to be having

- the setting

…this shaped up to be a very good interview. 

@ :14 Talks about intimidation from Ryan Leslie

@ :54 Future collaborations

@ 1:45 Working w/ 2Pac, Nas, Jay-Z, & other Hip-Hop Legends

@ 2:14 “Lame White People Who Don’t Understand”

@ 3:27  Getting credit for Robin Thicke & Justin Timberlake’s careers

@ 4:36 “Are you financially well off?”

@ 5:10 Comfortable Swagg album release date: 11/11/11

@ 6:10 Rumors of Jon & LeToya Luckett

And then he gives me a drop for MsOfficer.com…which you see me ask for.

Thanks to his Jon’s wife Danette for being so gracious, manager Jamal & Slam from YKIGS.

Here’s his new one with DJ Quik, “Real Women”. PREACH.

More to come, more to come.

Love,

*Ms. Officer

 

 

New Vid: Chris Brown- Beautiful People

Excatly 1 day after ABC Good Morning AmericaGate & his F.A.M.E. album release, and his appearance table dancing on Tosh.0

 comes C-Breezy’s newest video for his single “Beautiful People.”  I told you way back when this was going to be a hit.

@ :05 “Come on, Let’s ride our scooters like it’s 2007!”

@ :08 “Also, I like your leopard-print man threads. You dressed yourself?”

@ :37 He’s hot.

@ :41-:44 That’s exactly what I see when I listen to this song repeatedly.

@ :59 The Game face- tattoo beautiful

@ 1:01 Bow-Wow sexuality- questionable beautiful

@ 1:12 Chubby-ish guy on the drums beautiful

@ 1:15 Tyga alarmingly-skinny- beautiful

@ 1:16 Estelle Not-really0sure-how-much-I-like-her-songs beautiful

@1 :22 T-Pain is especially beautiful with his bangs sticking out

@ 1:25 When will T-Pain realize he can’t dance like people who can really dance?

@ 1:30 Well, Nelly really is beautiful

@ 1:33 That James Harden-esque beard is just obnoxious.

@ 1:48 “I wore this, I’m gonna get the most out of it.”

@ 1:57 Dallas Austin is questionable-past beautiful

@ 1:59 Diddy is beautiful

@ 2:01 Omarion is still alive beautiful

@ 2:10 Brandy is beautiful

@ 2:13 Pharell is kind-of-Asian-y-but-Black- beautiful

@ 2:22 If he starts bodyrolling, it’s over.

@ 2:25 T-Pain stop it, you can’t do that.

@ 2:44 Either Nazis…or mass fist pumpers

@ 2:49 Let the beat build.

@ 2:55 Timbaland ridiculous- beat- maker- beautiful

So basically this was a message from Chris saying, “Look at me and all my celebrity friends, they all think this song is amazing. And I’m filiming them dance to it.”

Good grief do I love this f*ckin song.

Love,

*Ms. Officer

Where The Hell Did Time Go Wednesdays- Drag-On

Where the hell is he?

Oh. Twitter.

Love,

*Ms. Officer

Where The Hell Did Time Go Wednesdays- Houston

This used to be the song. It

-Started parties

-Went well with alcohol

-Provoked Nyisha & I to dance on top of tables while Dan The Man walked in on us.

-Had The Hookmaster Nate Dogg

and by far the best selling point, displayed Chingy in lumberjack overalls.

“I Like That”  was big  in 2004 and Houston had a pretty good follow up single in “Ain’t Nothin”.  But then he gouged his own eyEball out, so it got weird.

Nonetheless, it’s good to reminisce on fun times.

P.S: 2004 was 7 years ago. And you were using this

Love,

*Ms. Officer

Love,

*Ms. Officer

The Hookmaster

The news is disheartnening. I’m really upset about Nathaniel Hale. I have always called him “The Hookmaster”, his voice on any chorus improves that song and it’s street cred (at least) 10 fold. That’s the beauty of Nate Dogg– the ability to sing the raunchiest sh*t without

a. You realizing it

b. You even caring

c. You, as tone deaf as you most likely are,  not “singing” along

 Without further ado, allow me to present The Hookmaster’s Top 5.

5. Snoop Dogg Feat. Nate Dogg & Dr. Dre- Lay Low (NSFW)

“The Back-yawrd is whurr we get are scrwrap awn”

4. Dr. Dre Feat. Snoop Dogg, Kurupt & Nate Dogg- Next Episode

Holdup–WAAAAIIIIIT was belted out just when you thought the song was done. A hell of an adlib if there ever was one. Definitely contends Jim Jones’ “Ballllinnnnnn!”.

 

3.  Nate Dogg- I Got Love

Zuit Suit? Check.

Bright pink feather to insert in hat? Check.

Cane not actually used to prop you up with gold tip? Check.

Gold teeth to match? Check.

Old English? Check.

Old Spice? Check.

This, my friends, is the soundtrack to a night on the town. Or at the Players Ball.

2. Tupac Feat. Nate Dogg, Top Dogg & The Outlawz- All About U

How could you not want to be a groupie with a voice like that?

1. Warren G Feat. Nate Dogg- Regulate

As far as many are concerned, this is the only song G ever had. No one really realizes what this entire track is about– they’re too busy caught up on the hook. And who can blame ‘em?

 

-Bonus-

Ludacris Feat. Nate Dogg- Area Codes

Never has the word “Hoes” sounded so sweet. Sang it so much, I started to believe I had numerous hoes in different area codes who liked my handsome face. I was 718.

Snoop Dogg Feat. Nate Dogg, Kurupt, & Warren G- Ain’t No Fun (Definitely NSFW)

Not even going to try  & explain my way out of this one.  I know (and recite) every single word in this song. In my defense, Nate is the lead off, and it’s hard to turn it off after that. I recognize it is a rap classic, and that is all you need to know.

 

Amazing talent. Hip Hop Legend. He will truly be missed.

Love,

*Ms. Officer

Where The Hell Did Time Go Wednesdays- The Notorious B. I.G.

You know exactly why.

For the numerous times I’d sneak to watch Video Music Box and recite these lyrics vebatim. AS  A CHILD.

And swing my glass of apple juice in the air like (then) Puffy did in the hot tub. AS A CHILD.

One of the best to ever do it,

Undoubtedly.

Love,

*Ms. Officer

Heat Lose Bulls Game, Win The Crying Game

Just to clarify– They only specified no crying in baseball.

Says Erik Spoelstra of his team after last night’s loss vs. Chi:

and after a misspelled Dwyane Wade basically fessed up later on in that interview…

I WONDER WHO’S LEFT

This was Bosh mere days ago after the loss vs. Orlando, when they blew a 24 point lead in the 2nd half. That sucks. Especially since they can’t pull it together against their main competitors in the East- Boston, Chicago, & Orlando.  Somehow, they remain #3 in the region’s standings.

But this Bulls loss came as the result of a(nother) last second failed buzzer beater by Wade– The Heat are 1-7 when down by 3 points or less in these situations.

If this “team” wants to not get knocked out of  round 1 of the playoffs by a possible #6 seed (i.e. Knicks), they’re going to have to:

1. figure out who the leader is

2. pass him the rock in clutch situations

3. get a coach they’ll listen to

4. not cry about losing games on or off camera

Spoelstra was probably just trying to show how much passion his players have, but it backfired– revealing the supply of rattles & Gerber available to them post game.

Whatever, this is funny.

Just to show they’re not alone, I’ve assembled a special edition Miami Heat playlist:

Ja Rule- I Cry

Most anything by Ja Rule would suffice. But definitely this.

Obie Trice- Cry Now

Pretty much nailed it @ :15.

Mary J. Blige- Not Gon’ Cry

…Or they could take the opposite approach…and Exhale.

Justin Timberlake- Cry Me A River

So obvious. So Poingnant.

Bob Marley- No Woman No Cry

No Chris Bosh, No Cry.

After all that fanfare,

And sh*t they were talking, these guys should be able to step up and pull it together. They need time to gel, but…

They look as out of control as

Love,

*Ms. Officer

New Vid: Dr. Dre Feat. Eminem & Skylar Grey- I Need A Doctor

Here it is. If you have circa 8 minutes.

@:01 Do you remember what you were doing on February 18th 2001?

@ :05 Beautiful.

@ :14 He looks mad

@ :34 Oh snap.

@ :41

“Straight outta Lo-Cash! A Crazy Motha*cka Named Gusto! I ****ed ya wife ‘cuz the ****h is a big hoe! I ****ed your mother, I ****ed your cat!”

@ 1:06 There’s a pit forming in my stomach.

@1:10 Product placement #1 here

@ 1:50 Oh crap this is not good for my nerves

@ 2:35 So…Eminiem’s just not going to age, huh?

@ 2:58 This feels like the Kanye West moving painting video

@3: 38 Preach.

@ 4:21 “Drop product placement #2 here”

@ 4:29 She doesn’t look how she sounds. I was more or less expecting her to look like this:

…all of them.

@ 4:34 What’s Dre’s obsession with this? #WaltDisneyTreatment

@5:38 So… Dre’s not gonna let the Stewie Griffin go, huh?

@ 5:53 “Enter product placement #3 here”

@ 6:08 Activate. Shape of…Melle Mel

@ 6:31 Pectorals of….Powdered Toast Man

@7:32 Whoa.

Glad Dr. Dre is back.

Even if he is extraordinarily enormous.

Love,

*Ms. Officer

BHM: Where The Hell Did Time Go Wednesdays- Bob Marley

This is an offering I wrote for author extraordinaire Jeff Pearlman earlier this month. He featured it on his blog, read + comment here. On the last “Where The Hell Did Time Go Wednesday” of Black History Month, I decided it was appropriate to revisit.

 

On a Flatbush block in Brooklyn, in a building that commands fresh hedges and pansies every Spring, I was 9 when my mother & I lived on the 5th floor.  Weekend mornings announced themselves in the form of a Bob Marley baseline, The Wailers on the chorus. Sunbeams pierced the blinds and made their way through the makeshift living room greenhouse. In the Summer, these same beams shared roids with Clemens.

My mother hardly found these days as enchanting.  Instead it was “the fat boy upstairs, his [Insert 5-letter expletive here] girlfriend, and their music again.” Pretty pansies, crappy soundproofing. It never bothered me so much, I almost looked forward to the selection he’d play.  Maybe it’s different because an adult’s head can take less aggravation than that of a child’s.

Funny, that exchange of pulsating speakers and red broom scuff marks on the ceiling still remind me of weekend mornings with my mom. Bacon was always the co-star.

Marley would re-introduce himself in private school and college as tapestry on the walls of blonde boys. Eyebrows and hairlines met when they’d learned this (half) Jamaican did not smoke. Marley became the international symbol for Mari-joo-wana. Had this been the most significant memory of a man who introduced reggae, the pulse of a tiny sun-drenched isle to the entire world, and became it’s 1st international pop star? (Attention Snow, your thanks & apologies to the Marley family are in order) Had this been all they remembered of the revolutionary from St. Ann, JA, at a time where poverty & injustice were only to be seen & endured?

No.

Norman Manley.

Robert Nesta Marley.

My Father.

Clifton Officer is “one of those things unlike the other”, the improbable mention among these visionaries.

Currently the proudest Jamaican on Earth, I was made to believe the the Sun rose, set, and was created on the banks of Ocho Rios.

“Dem kall ‘im Robert Nesta Marley. Di won di baddest ting fi evar come from Jamaica. Nuh tru?”

One never dissents from such vigor.

“Jamaica ‘ave di best music, di best food, di most beautiful ‘oman … youh never did see anyting suh. Pass mi Red Stripe.”

I nod and smile, he is talking to 6-year old me.

Buried underneath worries of a cheerleader-less Super Bowl & Sarah Palin’s incompetence Reagan’s 100th speeches lies Black History Month, and a birthday that would have been Marley’s 66th. A section of Brooklyn’s Church Ave. (where it meets Nostrand and stretches to 98th st.) was re-named “Bob Marley Boulevard” in 2006. His music resounds here, and still remains relevant today:

- According to iTunes Reggae, he’s on top of the charts in 19 countries, including Germany, Australia, France, Spain, Greece, Iceland & Switzerland. (Yes, the U.S. is included.)

- Bob Marley & The Wailers’ Legend has sold 25 million worldwide, (13.5 in the U.S.) it’s. the biggest selling Reggae album in history.

- According to Billboard, this is the 962nd week Legend has charted, the 2nd longest ever. (Pink Flloyd’s Dark Side Of The Moon is #1 at 990.)

- Last year a CNN poll of Global icons noted Marley as one of the Top 5.

Certainly all of this is no match to his actual contributions, just accolades that accompany the terriotry.  You would need Oprah’s OWN, MTV, BET, VH1Soul, TV1 & The History Channel for an entire week to showcase this man’s influence, but hopefully everyone can identify their own Marley memories that elicit smiles. Or Tye Dye.

Here’s my favorite.

 

Love,

*Ms. Officer

BHM: Where The Hell Did Time Go Wednesdays- Anita Baker

Never in all my life have I heard a voice like this.

On a sunny Sunday, I was 3 when my mother handed me my very 1st cassette tape. Assembled by her coworker, the white label simply read “Anita Baker”.

Assuming my usual position, perched between the TV & radio, she popped it in.

I never looked back.

This was the perfect addition to “Sunday Morning Classics with Hal Jackson on W-B-L-S”. Or at least to their commercial breaks.

This is probably why I love to refer to Anita Baker as “The Woman of All Women”.  When you look at her, you see nothing less than a lady. Her voice is strong but soothing– today she could compose a song proclaiming 4Loko tastes like Chardonnay…I’d be hauling a case of the for-some-reason-still-legal-and-sold-in-NYC-who’s-getting-arrested-for-this-crap back to my apartment for consumption.

Please overlook the fact that I’ve managed to mention drugs & Ms. Baker in the same sentence.

What’s written here could never compare to her impact on music & it’s quality. She is a legend. And she performed in Brooklyn:

It was nothing short of amazing.

8. The number of Grammy awards she’s amassed.

4. The number of platinum albums she has.

2. The number of times she’s gone gold.

Let’s not forget her star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

Time to drift off to a simpler time, listening to my favorite female singer.

Love,

*Ms. Officer

Top 5 Songs Of The Week, 2/14

5. Snoop Dogg Feat. Devin The Dude & Kobe- I Don’t Need

If  you guessed there was a curse word after “Need”, you’d be right.  Let’s focus on Kobe for a minute. No, not that Kobe,

but the same one featured on one of my all-time favorite songs, Eminem’s “Talkin’ 2 Myself”.

Apparently there has been a lot of confusion between this Chicagoian & Bryant’s dreadful raps. Kobe Kokilla only has a myspace (which I can’t fully see–I can no longer recall the my___ password) and a Twitter. But of course.

4. Chris Brown- Hands Up High

Techno- Chris Brown > R&B sing/rap-but-kinda-raps-more-than-sings Chris Brown.

3. Eminem- Oh No (Courtesy RocDizMusic)

Em is ill. Oh, and for doing this too:

2. Kidz In The Hall Feat. One Chance & Tabi Bonney- Star

 

A wee bit reminiscent, instrumental-wise, of Camp-lo . Maybe elements of the same sample?

1. Snoop Dogg Feat. Jim Jones & Shawty Lo- Wet (G-Mix)

On an ordinary day this is a hot song. Jim Jones only enhances it. And that is what a “G-Mix” is supposed to do, until, of course, Shawty Lo comes along.  At any rate, that won’t stop it from blaring in the strip clubs.

Congrats to Uncle Snoop for not only comprising 40% of this week’s countdown, but for finally knocking Em out of the top spot.

A toast.

 

*Bonus*

Esther Dean- One Piece

That is all.

 

Love,

*Ms. Officer

NY Rep. Christopher Lee Wants You To Know He Sexts Too

Everyone Looks The Same To Me.

Christopher Lee Sexting

 

Atlanta sicko sexter Eddie Long.

Craigslist, notorious playground for psycos, stalkers &…sexters spawned this NY rep. to deliver a topless picture of himself to…a W4M. 

Christoper Lee is a 46 year-old Buffalo area Republican who

-Takes pride in his graying chest hair

-Likes to take photos in front of his children’s completed puzzles

-Wants you to admire his bulging flex.

Or growing fist pump.

Or b*tchin’ bod.

If I had a bottle of pasta sauce that was being troublesome, I wouldn’t nominate he open it for me.

No worries, buffalo in Buffalo, he resigned and apologized immediately after the pics & “flirty” e-mails were released. The 34 year-old unidentified recipent was looking to get herself stuffed inside someone’s freezer by using Craigslist for proof the creepesters men on the site did not “look like toads”.

Instead of just announcing himself as “I’m married Rep. Christopher Lee. My pic is up on my site that ends in house.gov, so you know I’m legit. That’s me in front of the White House. If you like, press yes if you think I don’t look like a toad.” He chose to wow her. With this. And his use of the most nauseating emoticon :)

“”Hope I’m not a toad. :) i’m a very fit fun classy guy,” he wrote. “6ft 190lbs blond/blue. 39. Lobbyist. I promise not to disappoint anyone but my family and my constituents. And my district.”
(Quote courtesy NY Daily News)

Certainly these types of scandals are not new because of the internet. They’re everybody’s business because of the internet.

Mission accomplished. I’m glad he looks up to people who too have walked similar roads, like former NY rep  Eric Massa.

“W. 19. Black/Dark Brown. I hoe I don’t look like a toad.”

Love,

*Ms. Officer

BHM:Where The Hell Did Time Go Wednesdays- Dennis Brown

February 1st.

If Robert Nesta Marley is the King, the Crowned Prince, (declared by Marley himself) is Dennis Emmanuel Brown. 

This legendary reggae crooner began singing at 11 years old and continued on to record 75 albums.  Many of you have seen the passion with which I’ve written about Bob Marley for my Black History Month Selection on JeffPearlman.com…

My memories of Brown began while sifting through a pile of records exceeding my own 6 year old height. They belonged to my father, we sat one afternoon in his Crown Heights abode.

“What’s this?” I am holding up one of the squares. It’s red.

He smiles. “Dennis Brown! ‘im baaadd yuh know.”

My mother, too, expressed this sentiment not in so many words.

In the middle of the brown carpet, on a Saturday night, any Saturday night, Donna would scoop me from in front of the television and into her arms. A sound akin to a streefighting cat best describes her singing. What beats and rhythms she hears I still don’t know, they most certainly never match what’s playing.

“Stop dancing me!” I’d protest.

Did I think this helped? The feline’s pain increased, as evidenced by it’s louder volume.

Sooner or later I’d succumb.

 She would not let me go.

She continued to squeal.

Thankfully Dennis Brown’s velvety voice would eventually prevail.

Have you ever beeeen innnn looove”

Uh oh, here comes the high note.

Beeefffooooooooo-ooore!”

Years later I’d stumble back across this song on old cassette tapes, seredipitously looking for something else. I suppose this is the feeling classic music invokes, it sets you directly into the memory, as if it really isn’t a memory at all.

Dennis Brown is undoubtebly one of my favorite the best artists ever to grace a stage.

I’m glad NPR recognized this as well.

Love,

*Ms. Officer

Top 5 Songs of The Week, 2/7

Here we are again, wiping the

Black

Green

Lil’ Wayne

Who the f*ck cares & Yellow Superbowl residue off our brows.

Hopefully this means the (albeit slow) death of that song.

In the meanwhile, allow me to present a much needed reprieve from all of that crap.

Music Submissions: MsOfficerBlog@gmail.com

5. Usher Feat. Kam Parker- Monster (DL)

Usher often imagines himself as some sort of monster.

Yesterday his fantasy came true, in the form of a guest of dismal Superbowl XLV performers & government conspiracy + a Filipino, The Black Eyed Peas.

Way too much is going on in this track– Kenny G, the Carribean, & electricity, but this might be why I like it.

(Check the guy who couldn’t wait to get that look @ Usher’s crotch).

4. Nick Carter- Falling Down (DL)

As unlikely a candidate for a spot on this countdown as anyone. 1/17 of the Wackstreet Boys has an album out called “Taking Off”. What bothers me most is this comes in over Usher. Calling all monkeys: Please send your music submissions to MsOfficerBlog@gmail.com.

3. Ne-Yo- Dance For Me (DL)

Hard as it is to imagine Ne-Yo in a straight strip club, I can imagine this being utilized there.

2. DMX- A Change Is Gonna Come (Prod. By Swizz Beats) (DL)

DMX has been the subject of much good-natured ribbing on this site.

But this is the X that we like to see.

The Sam Cooke sample does Earl Simmons good.

If it takes Swizz Beaks to bring it out of him…so be it.

1. Eminem Feat. Jazmine Sullvan- Cocaine (DL)

Em is just ridiculous. He really is. Usually Sullivan bores me, but not here. I’d actually decided I like her better on other people’s hooks than to listen to her on her own. Hmph.

*Bonus*

Kelly Rowland- Just Whisper (DL)

King Ralio Feat. Erica Singer- Ride (Instrumental w/ Hook) (DL)

Erica is just a darling. Even though it is just an instrumental, it’s not because she’s on the…you guessed it, hook. A little Rihanna-esque, Ms. Singer sounds so good. So do your own  song!

P.S. Those new T-Pain songs (w/ & w/out Chris Brown) are terrible. So you won’t find them here.

I’ve missed you.

Love,

*Ms. Officer

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