Monthly Archives: March 2010
Ricky Martin: Ass Bandit.
Was this really a surprise?

From standing extremely close to another male rump in Menudo, to… well,

Anybody with 2 eyeballs could see that he was uncontrollably homosexual.
Latin & Pop sensation Ricky Martin came out on Monday to the masses, opening up the biggest gay floodgate since Clay Aiken no one. But has he been trying to tell us all along? Through extremely catchy song and popular dance?
Ricky Martin- She He Bangs (Me)
Did South Park not dedicate an entire episode to gay fish?

The other men in the video with their sheer shirts completely unbuttoned don’t necesarily help to dispel the rumors.
Ricky Martin- Private Emotion (Gay)
I can’t. Too easy.
Ricky Martin Feat. Amerie & Fat Joe- I Don’t Care (I Just Wanna Dress Up As Your Girl)
Ok, the gratuitous bodyrolling in the beginning of the video? @1:25 Listen carefully. He tells us. “Crazy boy”
Ricky Martin- Livin’ La Vida Loca Homosessual
Upside inside turn you out
Livin La Vida Homosessual
Ricky Martin- The Cup Of Life Balls
You mean he gets to do a song? About a sport involving lots of men? Running around, sweating on top of each other? & Dance the way he does so freely on that stage? Naah. Nothing’s off.
This next one is easily the best song ever recorded:
Ricky Martin- Maria Mario
Professing his love for one named Maria, yet not going near her once the video. Instead spending it bailando in the street by himself…and in a fountain…and on a stage in a crushed velvet suit with sparkles.
Matter of fact…to come to think of it, Martin kept his interaction with women in his videos to a minimum.

So how can a man like this have kids?
One word.
Fraud.
Let me get the point across– there’s nothing wrong with being gay. But just be gay and don’t deceive or hurt anyone in the process.
Enrique Iglesias has been waiting upwards of a decade for the moment he can claim this spot.

…Some other folks should take Sr. Martin’s advice and open that closet back door:





What do you think?
Love,
*Ms. Officer
How To Text: A Tutorial, By Tiger Woods
As per my previous “translation” posts, I certainly have garnered numerous requests for another. Your wish is my command.
Although this post should be entitled “How to create instant nausea by imagining tiger woods during sexual intercourse”, I chose to go with the above instead. This obviously is about the sexts King Woods sent one of his many muses. This time is was Joslyn James, a pornstar who said Elin had a right to know what went on saw her chance to get in on this shine slipping away due to a pending reconciliation:

And a fast approaching Master’s tourney where Woods will make his triumphant I’m-gonna-try-to-sell-something-other-than-blow-up-dolls- so-i-need-more-endorsements- return to golf.

Boy, this dude can’t seem to get rid of these hoes!
Make sure you are not in the process of eating or kissing, for this will undoubtedly make you toss your cookies. And that is not sexy.
My italicized commentary is what you live for! Here goes:
Tiger:Sent: 04:18 PM 07/31/2009:
Oh i know. Not at all. Just glad and suprised i can do that to you Im all clean. Come on down:)
I got tested, doc says I’m ok. But that sh*t you let me do to you was nastyyyyyyyyy
Tiger:Sent: 11: 08 PM 08/23/2009:
I like when you do that to me
Tiger:Sent: 04:06 PM 08/28/2009:
I want to be deep inside you
And then pull out really quickly as to not impregnate you. No evidence.
Tiger:Sent: 03:19 PM 08/29/2009:
I need that so bad
Tiger:Sent: 03:30 PM 08/29/2009:
Me to. I would wear you out
Tiger:Sent: 03:32 PM 08/29/2009:
I have no idea. I would love to have the ability to make you sore
That was in response to the question “Are your kids home?”
Tiger:Sent: 03:43 PM 08/29/2009:
Ok. I would like to have a threesome with you and another girl you trust
Tiger:Sent: 03:48 PM 08/29/2009:
Does that excite you at all or no
“I would like to have intercourse with you and your closest female friend in which you confide. Is this enticing to you or shall I suggest another means of interrogating about this matter?”
Damn. Can’t you just see Urkel right in front of you when you read that sh*t?

Tiger:Sent: 03:37 PM 08/29/2009:
Do you ever hook up with other guys or girls
I’m trying to tell you that I want to hook up with another guy with you there too. So we can swordfight. But I gotta gauge where you’re at first.
Tiger:Sent: 03:52 PM 08/29/2009:
God girl. You better want to take care of me
Tiger:Sent: 04″02 PM 08/29/2009:
I want to treat you rough. Throw you around, spank and slap you
I want to mistreat you. Then call you bad words my mother said I shouldn’t say, then hit you. I know that’s not nice either, because my mother said that too.
Tiger:Sent: 04:07 PM 08/29/2009:
You are my f—— w—-
Wow. He’s actually right here.
Tiger:Sent: 04:08 PM 08/29/2009:
Hold you down while i choke you and Fuck that ass that i own
Makes me feel like a slavemaster. I like that.
Tiger:Sent: 04:10 PM 08/29/2009:
Then im going to tell you to shut the F— up while i slap your face and pull your hair for making noise
Ok, wow.
Tiger:Sent: 04:21 PM 08/29/2009:
Where do you want to be bitten
You don’t have any choice in being bitten, I’ve already made that decision for you. I will allow you to choose where.
Tiger:Sent: 04:06 PM 08/29/2009:
Slap your face. Treat you like a dirty little whore. Put my cock in your ass and then shove it down your throat
Wow. That’s pretty sick. He actually wants her to eat sh*t. But she probably has. She is a porn star.
I conclude that a sex addiction clinic was not where Tiger should have been sent. Perhaps anger management might have suited the situation a little better.
![[_4unsafejb__oPt.jpg]](http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_u3lFqBksmrE/S6SrFbRNlII/AAAAAAAAcZM/bbj1Ko3o-2c/s1600/_4unsafejb__oPt.jpg)
hey…it coulda been worse. At least the exchange was not with a man.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
This Is Weird. And Gross.
If you guessed Rielle Hunter, you were right.

Former presidential hopeful John Edwards’ baby mamma came out today in a spread for GQ magazine, for which she made sure to let us know she saw not 1 dime cuz Johnny is still paying her off, somewhere in the neighborhood of $150,000 calling it “child support”.
There is nothing remotely suave, appealing, or sexy about a woman who slept with a married man on the campaign trail, accused John’s buddy of fathering the child, then pointing the finger at Edwards himself once it became profitable.
It’s actually the exact opposite.

I don’t possibly see what can be attractive about this woman, so take a look at these odd pictures and decide for yourself:

Dressed in John Edwards’ shirt Was it really a good idea to put this woman in an oversized men’s shirt, seeing as how this is probably part of the whole problem in the first place?

What’s with the midriff and the baby? What, exactly is the situation which calls for both a half-shirt and a toddler?

This is easily the most bizarre picture of the trio. What is it with the stuffed animals and the pantslessness here? Is she trying to send some weird molester-y message here? What do the two have to do with each other?
Aside from John Edwards, does anyone have the desire to see this woman half naked?
She looks like him.


Yikes.


But I digress. If you care to be even more repulsed, here is actual video of the photo shoot.
http://www.gq.com/video?videoID=71716714001
This turns my stomach.
At least until it’s feeding time again.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
“I’m Not Gay, Ask My Wife”

Famous last words from yet another New York politician who is making this state look even more asinine in the eyes of…well, everywhere else.
Eric Massa, you didn’t think I was gonna let you off the hook DID U??
All week I couldn’t wait to sink my teeth into this story. It deserves to be ridden to the bare bones (all puns intended).
In case you are a complete f*cking idiot & are totally unaware of your surroundings, allow me to provide you with a brief rundown of the scenario:

Eric Massa has strong nose hairs.
Signal 1: owns an apartment in NYC where 5 grown ass men live on top of each other with clothes strewn all over the place
Signal 2: molested stuck his c**k in groped a male staffer
—He also seems to think that groped has another definition other than sexually. Which leads me to believe we have NY state congressman who has no idea what the word grope means.
Signal 3: Stepping down and not running for re-election without good reason…or any reason for that matter
Signal 4: Nancy Pelosi knew about this weird ass sh*t as early as October and was paid not to say anything about it didn’t say anything about it until he announced he wasn’t seeking another term on March 3rd.
Signal 5: Mentioning his time at sea w// 10,000 ship men, at least 5,000 of which I’m sure he’s entered.

Signal 6: Going on Larry King Live & responding to the question “Are You Gay?” with “Ask my wife” and other un-slick quips instead of simply stating “no’. And can we talk about how insane he managed to appear on Glenn Beck?? Even more so than the f*cking host himself?
“Not only did I grope a guy, but I tickled him til he couldn’t breathe. Then 4 other guys jumped on top it was my 50th birthday—”
STOP RIGHT THERE.
What kind of 50th birthday is this??

If that is not uncontrollably homosexual, then I don’t know what is.

And where exactly did this “tickling and *ick grabbing groping incident take place?? Did he happen to be in the male showers at the YMCA when this was occurring? Did 4 guys happen to be waiting in each corner of the office anticipating the moment when Massa would re-enter with his newest sexual harassment victim?

All in all, this guy’s a complete *sshole. I mean, its just unbelievable that he could be such a douche about the whole thing. There’s nothing wrong with him being gay, but just be gay. Sorry to break it to “Mrs. Massa”, she is just a beard.
Massa is going to be the butt of all jokes for a while to come (pun, again intended)…then again, he’s into that.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=01ljnxyhDpo
What a toolbox.
Love,
*Ms. Offcer
By The Time DMX Gets Arrested Again…
…I will have probably just gone to the bathroom.

DMX, a.k.a. Earl Simmons a.k.a. Recidivist Supreme is back at it again. No matter how much I wish this was a DMX new music post, the fact is, it’s a DMX Your New Cellmate post.
For some reason he seems to think this sh*t is real. & that he can do it. Then get away with it every time.

…but he’s right. Dark Man X has been alluding substantially long jail sentences for quite the long while now. 361 years, to be exact.
On Tuesday they found him with coke illegal drugs coke again, on his way to, well, wherever he was going. Though not too many details have emerged since then, this did:
Still dressed like the year 2000, –his heyday– in a football jersey an Timbs, X was visibly not thrilled he had to be there in the first place. Slamming the papers down in front of the old white lady. That’s a middle finger to the law.
I also like that the announcer from Telemundo made a special celebrity guest appearance to commemorate the first rapper arrest of 2010 by speaking in Spanish in the courtroom.
And I’m sure it was no ballpark for anyone who was with him either. He also thinks he was the only one arrested on Tuesday. I’l provide some comfort to him in letting X know, I not only know for a fact he has not been the only one arrested in AZ this week, I’ll even suggest an inmate:

Justin Bieber. Offense: Being prepubescent. And a toolbox.
At any rate, even though we joke, clown & kid on Earl Simmons, it really is a shame that he has ended up like this. He truly is a talented artist. My next request is that he obtains Dr. Drew’s cell phone number real quick because I just can’t go through this Michael Jackson syndrome again. I personally can’t take it.
Hopefully X will find his way back to God in wanting to be a minister, but not like

Because we’ve already learned from that mistake before.
Why was he scratching & tweeking like that? Is that a stupid question?
DMX gets another go ’round in front of a judge on March 16th, facing violations on 5 counts of his probation. Pretty sure one of which, is crack use.
It must taste good.
Let’s take a trip back to were X was crazy and productive ripping it:
(I apparently have this video on my computer)
(Easily the best DMX song existence)
What will you have done by the time Dark Man X gets arrested again?
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Lady Gaga & The Beyonce- Telephone
Here is the world premiere of the highly anticipated video!
Before you instantly gratify yourselves with visuals of The Beyonce & Mr. Lady Gaga, you must appreciate my live commentary of this video as I watched it unfold for the very first time.
Much like you, I was thinking:
- I did not realize watching this thing was going to take up 10 minutes of my time
-@:24 secs: What’s the point of Tyrese being in this video?
-@ :38 secs I decided it was too weird. And I had to stop eating my Wheat Thins in order to continue watching
-Anyone who doesn’t think Lady Gaga is a hermaphrodite is a hermaphrodite too
-@ :54 secs: This is gross.
-:1:12: That is one hell of a tuck & roll to try and prove you don’t have a ***k.
-@ 1:40: Those glasses could get dangerous.
-@1:43: Precious?
-@ 2:07: What is this?
-@3:37: Panty prison, huh? nice. I’d go too if I got 3 squares, no rent plus cable. Not a bad deal.
-@ 4:24: A Beats By Dre computer, huh? But what is that using it? It’s voice is deep. And gross.
-@ 4:51: I don’t see The Beyonce not overshadowing Lady Gaga in this video.
-@4:55: This is starting to feel like this could go one of two ways. 1 of which being a bad porno.
-@5:03: Yep, this is weird. (Notice The Beyonce did not venture eating after Gaga.)
-@5:07: Ew. Honey Buns. Hoodrat snack.
-@6:07: Asian stereotypes are always fun. And Accurate.
-@7:07: Nice! Actual recipe for poison. That could actually come in handy.
-@ 7:49: The Beyonce looked a little manly for, like, 2/3 of a second. No big deal though. She’s still insanely beautiful.
-@7:50: Love the dance sequence, even though they decided to bring their friends along to trample all over some dead bodies.
Very Laverne and Shirley-esque. Although I’m not sure they actually rode off in a P****Wagon. I’m gonna have to check my references on that one.
See and enjoy for yourself.
I still come away from this not really knowing what Lady Gaga really looks like.



But I Love the song and the concept (overall) is innovative. That Lady Gaga won’t disappoint.
What kind of commentary can you come up with? Place them below!
Love,
*Ms. Officer
-
We’ll Always Love Big Poppa

Last night, Brooklyn, (& Perhaps the entire Tri-state area) came out to celebrate the life of one of the best (if not the best) rapper in existence, The Notorious B.I.G.
Aside from the fact that Diddy, Fabolous, Jim Jones and Red Cafe all appear to be in a public school gym, it seems the event went (generally) well. I use the term well loosely because I heard that a couple of fights did break out, and there was severe overcharging at the door– $100 to get in. To a club. In Brooklyn. On a Tuesday night.
The celebration marked the 13th anniversary of the rapper’s passing. I still remember the cold March morning when I heard what’d happened. I’d of course, been a fan.
When I’d reported to school the next day, the slightly older kids were crying in the halls. Hard. I remember Kurt Loder’s voice over the visuals of sidewalks in Brooklyn strewn with faces of disbelief. It was amazing that as a little kid that one could love music as much as I did. Allow me to take you on a voyage from my memory vault:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o3AbHsoXXgQ
Warning- In the days of Video Music Box, pre-cable, & living with my grandmother during the week…well, my after school activities were kinda limited. I’d sneak up to her room to watch music videos, & I knew every. single. word. Now does that make any sense for an elementary school kid?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4JbG3GvKc0
One More Chance (Remix)- My favorite song for a loooong time, (just ask Nicole Vazquez!) & one of my favorite songs period. The video made my pre-teen ass feel like I was at a house party & even remotely knew what they were talking about.
Sky Is The Limit (Feat. 112)- LOVE this song. As one of the best videos in existence, it’s so freakin cute. Where the hell was I when they were casting that video? Where? Probably doing something stupid, like going to school.
Mo’ Money Mo’ Problems (Feat. Diddy & Ma$e)- Who in the hell didn’t like this song?? Must not have had a functioning vessels. For a project in middle school we had to select a song we wanted to translate in Spanish. Then sing it. In front of the whole class. In it’s entirety. Being that I can’t sing, I wised up. Guess what I picked? “Yo no se que ellos me quieren…”
Juciy- Who else could turn Mtume’s “Juciy Fruit” into a rap anthem? I would sing that chorus at the top of my lungs making up everything right after “Don’t let them hold you down, reach for the stars” and swore with conviction that whatever I was singing after that were the correct words. Problem is, it changed every time.
Big Poppa- Whoa. Ron Isely probably got out of jail for owing taxes because of this song. Not only did I excruciatingly want a hot tub at this time, but this was when I discovered Diddy, Puff Daddy,

and the root of what would grow into a longstanding crush on him. I pretended I was the “you and me could be friends” that he always referred to. I loved that.
Now keep in mind– I am reflecting on my memories from the music videos. Therefore all of the posts are going to be from the commercial releases. Can I go toe to toe with a Notorious B.I.G. lyric? You betchya. I even managed to keep my cousin’s grubby paws off my special edition B.I.G. CD. He took B2K instead.

All jokes aside, Christopher Wallace, a.k.a. The Notorious B.I.G. was an enormous talent who made legendary music.
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& We love him.
Love,
*Ms. Officer



The Oscars– The Leftover Crumbs

The 82nd annual Oscars aired Sunday night, and for those of us with Cablevision, the Gangs of New York finally settled their idiotic feud in time for ABC to allow us peasants to view the program.
Winners

Ginger kids are gross and have no manners. They are unruly. Why is anyone so surprised by this?

I digress.
Roger Ross Williams got to do his Ginger Kanye Elinor Burkett-less acceptance speech the following night on Larry King Live.
We also know how much of a phenomenon Precious was, but Howard Stern didn’t think so. He WENT IN on Gabourey Sidebe this morning, saying that she didn’t stand a chance in Hollywood after this because of her weight:
The full list of the 2010 Oscar winners from Oscar.com, the official site of the 82nd Academy Awards
Congrats!
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Everyone Looks The Same To Me Vol. 19
I reaaaaaaally want to like Governor Paterson.

And although I cannot definitively say that I do not like “The Accidental Governor”, he sure gives plenty of reason for speculation:
-We gave him a pass for being up front w/ his drug use & stuff immediately talking about his adulterating past.
-This weird semi-involvement in a domestic abuse case with one of his staffers, (allegedly) calling the incident where the woman’s head was “smashed into a mirrored dresser” similar to “breakups you hear about all the time”
(If this indeed is the case, who the hell does he know??)
-The thing w/ the tryst w/ some woman at some restaurant a couple weeks back.
-Strange mid-week club appearances
-Bizarre ways he chooses to use his power
-This new thing with using govn’t money for some Yankee tickets
Now I see why he got all bent outta shape about things like this…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H7SFxVnWLd0
…because this was prophetic of the way he was actually carrying on.
And as we see Governor Paterson traped all up & down Yet I am surprised that no reputable news outlet
The New York Times
CBS News
USA Today
The Wall Street Journal
The New York Post
The Detroit Free Press
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
ABC News
Fox News
NBC
CNN
no one else has made the connection that
Our very own, very 1st Black Governor of New York City looks JUST like

Lybian leader Moammar Gaddafi! (Or however he’s spelling it this week.)

My goodness! This sh*t is breaking news!


I first happened upon this discovery during one of the guv’s more recent flubs, when all the world leaders descended upon New York to visit the U.N. towards the end of the summer.


(This dude’s got a bad case of guyliner, doesn’t he?)
I found it absolutely startling, not to mention the similarities between the two would-be siamese twins had their birth not been separated by 12 years.
No one thinks Paterson’s glaring resemblance to a Lybian leader who once relinquished his post as Prime Minister of Lybia some 38 years ago, (probably at the urging of Rev. Al Sharpton and other widely-publicized Black leaders over a dinner of greens and yams at Sylvia’s restaurant) is alarming??
If we follow the algorithm that history repeats itself, it’s safe to say that Paterson is not only not budging from his seat, but will dictate New York politics for the next 4 decades, much like

and his trampling all over term limit laws.


Get ready for New York politics to get run over by dictatorship and heavy man- makeup!


…and a little bit of bromance.



Why Not?
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Blacks Were Better Off As Slaves??
No. No this cannot be.
Not during Black History Month 2010.
Not as a person with a functioning brain able to string words together in a coherent sentence.
Not as Trent Lott reenacted.

As if the GOP doesn’t already look like a bunch of unruly screaming obscenely spoiled children,
or

Arizona Rep. Trent Franks flew off at the mouth, pretty much stating that Black people were better off under slavery than with today’s laws.
With conservative blogger Mike Stark at the helm, the conversation was immediately directed into a ditch. A deep one. About 6 feet.
Franks was quoted saying:
“And yet today, half of all Black children are aborted. far more of the African American community is being devastated by the policies of today than were being devastated by the policies of slavery.”
But that is not all.
Enter this woman:
Day Gardener, Who managed to slip into the new decade with ’80′s hair & make-up and the name of some sort of hippie love-child. This woman is the President of the National Black Pro-Life Union…and agrees with the man who can barely keep his eyes open.
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Although Gardener acknowledges that slavery is wrong, she does and is obviously against abortion, I just can’t fathom why she wants to continue to build on this comparison.

At ant rate, Franks’ comments are still abhorrent.
We can all discern, at the very least living>dying. But where it comes into question is under what circumstances.
Here is the video. Feel free to pee on him now.
Back to your regular helping of “The Mondays”
Love,
*Ms. Officer

































