New Song Smell- Jay-Z Feat. B.I.C.- Glory
That’s right, your eyes do not decieve you.
Blue Ivy Carter is featured with her father Jay-Z crying in tune.
This, I blame on The Beyonce
Forget about the rumors about how much they paid Lenox Hill.
Forget about the “fregnancy” (fake pregnancy, that is) rumors.
Forget, well, this.
Listen to Jay-Z Feat. B.I.C.- Glory here
You heard correctly, Jay said they had a miscarriage before. Good Grief.
Truth be told, It’s a beautiful song. If only more men would take this stance…
Bey-Z, YOU’VE DONE IT AGAIN.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Where The Hell Did Time Go Wednesdays- Sounds Of Blackness
There’s nothing much I can say that this video already doesn’t.
Everything here is awesome.
- The shaved part and mullets hair,
- Cosby sweaters and ”Members Only” coats
- Kwanzaa, Black Santa
- Their voices
Also, I feel like I should be chewing peach cobbler while watching this.
Although I am not in the holiday spirit this year, [Here is why] Soul Holidays comes close. It easily brings back fuzzy memories of these times when I was smaller, and everything else looked so…promising.
Nonetheless, I hope all of you Black people reminisced as I did.
At any rate,
Where are you actual Sounds Of Blackness? Where? AND HOW MANY OF YOU ARE THERE REALLY
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Like this:
New Vid: Luke James- I Want You
The title tells me I like the direction this is going in. #SESSY
@:05 Ok, so he looks 13 here. Now I feel weird about saying it’s “Sessy”.
@ :27 Is this a regular rotary phone, or a hipster rotary phone that connects to the internets?
@:44 HIT THAT NOTE LIKE PRINCE TAUGHT YOU
@ 1:18 Are you old enough to have said “One Night Stands” ?
@ 2:12 You guys have a leak.
@ 2:32 NO LONGER UPSET ABOUT SAID LEAK
@ 2:34 Those are not the muscles of the underaged. Vamoose barely legal guilt.
@ 2:45 She should run to him, if he’s going to sing that high. Her next move should be to find out if he can make her hit that note. #SEEWHATIDIDTHERE
@ 3:29 Confirmation that he really is singing, that vein on the side of his head SAYS SO.
This live Ken doll has a beautiful voice. Luke’s work first caught my attention as one half of “Luke and Q”, who, I beleieve, were Tank proteges. Glad that once he left the group, he decided to keep on singing.
Luke James’ pre-album, #Luke will be available 12/22.
With The Beyonce on his chest side, something tells me he will be alright.
Love,
Ms. Officer
Where The Hell Did Time Go Wednesdays- Anthony Hamilton
Anthony Hamilton’s new album, “Back To Love” has just been released. To commemorate, I decided to give him this week’s “WTHDTGW”.
No. This song did not come out EIGHT YEARS AGO. NO.
HAD NO IDEA THIS WOULD INCITE SUCH HORROR.
Coming From Where I’m From was quite the powerful song and video. Not to mention I could pass him at any given time on Nostrand Ave. (Brooklyn) and not really notice.
I like 2011 Hipster Anthony Hamilton a lot better.
In 2003, I was still in High School. HIGH SCHOOL.
NOW THE GOVERNMENT RECOGNIZES ME AS AN ADULT. Why won’t Tina Fey adopt me to rectify this?
Let’s take a look at what other things people not-Facebook-”liked”-but-actually-real-life-liked “back then”:
His bracelets
The governor of California? (Still, that question mark remains)
The Blackout.
Not knowing B2K was getting molested.
Bird Flu keeping me out of Chinatown for about 3 months while they found the source Asian.
So there you have it, Anthony Hamilton. I hope you’re happy with that memory lane trip.
What was that? Not with Fantasia? I DID NOT THINK SO.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Track-By-Track: Robin Thicke- “Love After War”
“Track-By-Track” is just a better way of saying “Album Review”. DOWN WITH TRITE CLICHES.
Love After War is Robin’s 5th studio album.
His last, Sex Therapy hyponotized and held me in it’s grips for quite some time. It was at that point that I decided if ever I were to sleep with a celebrity couple, it would be Robin Thicke & Paula Patton loved Robin Thicke.
I needed to be weaned off of Sex Therapy, and it’s clear his mission was to do the same with Love After War:
1. An Angel On Each Arm- Is actually about his wife Paula Patton & his son, Julian, which is beautiful. He also shouts “LET’S GET IT STARTED!” which is cool because this is the 1st song on the album #SEEWHATIDIDTHERE
2. I’m An Animal- If he’s singing about what I think he’s singing about…this’ll be a fun 4 minutes and 5 seconds.
3. Never Give Up- Much of this album is inspirational– not to mention his actual voice, which is teeming with emotion. You can actually visualize what he’s saying here. Feels like it’s simuletaneously rainy & sunny.
4. The New Generation- Easily the best song on this entire album, AND one of the best songs released this year. Re-read that. Thicke delivers. If you’ve never heard this before, follow these steps:
a. Turn every speaker, Dre Beat, or iPhone headphone up to it’s highest
b. Worry about your hearing at a later date and time
c. Find the nearest boss desk to disrespect.
Robin told me he was inspired by the “Occupy Wall Street” movements and simply let off in the studio here. MY GOODNESS. It’s hard to move on from this song because it sparks such emotion. Best of all– when you think it’s over, it really isn’t.
5. Love After War- The title track/lead single does excatly what it’s supposed to do. You already know how I feel about the video:
Watch New Vid: Robin Thicke- Love After War here
This song is worth loving.
6. All Tied Up- It begins like Teena Marie’s Potuguese Love. But it’s not. This is exactly what you think it’s about. AND IT’S SEXY TIME.
7. Pretty Lil’ Heart Feat. Lil’ Wayne- Weezy is the standalone feature on this entire thing. Everything about this is right. ”TELL ME ‘CUZ YOU KNOW I NEED THAT ‘PUMP PUMP’ EVERYDAY.” MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
8. Mission- Oh dear goodness. I am about to sleep with the nearest object, which is unfortunately (fortunately?) is this computer. Fitting that my favorite song here is the sessiest? MISSION MOST CERTAINLY ACCOMPLISHED.
9. Tears On My Tuxedo- If you don’t pay much attention to the lyrics, you can transition into Boring smoothly without breaking your “mood”.
10. Boring- Didn’t get the content from the title, but he takes Boring in a pleasant direction. You know what? This, too, could maintain the “mood”. The stretch extends from 6-10.
11. Lovely Lady- Feels like I should be at a cocktail party in a tuxedo, holding a tray with a monkey. But the monkey’s not on the tray.
12. Dangerous- Gentlemen, this is my behavior.
13. Full Time Believer- I’m back at that cocktail party, except minus the tuxedo and tray. Now I’m in a glittery gown walking through the crowd at a normal pace, yet everyone else sees me in slow-mo. Monkey is still there.
14. I Don’t Know How It Feels To Be U- Something tells me this, too, is for his wife. There is a nagging feeling race may play a factor. Either way, beautifully written.
15. Cloud 9 – It’s a lazy Sunday. There is a lake nearby, and most importantly, no NYC noise. Also, images or chubby black men in round glasses come to mind when I think of Jazz. Does this happen to anybody else?
16. The Lil’ Things- Not crazy about this one. The lyrics are really good, but I can’t get into the music. Still, it’s nice.
Well played Robin, well played.
17. What Would I Be- Love the way this sounds. Everything about What Would I Be (especially the way its written) lifts me you up, twirls me you around, then sets me you back down gently. Just like a meaninful song should.
Love After War is amazing. This is everything you wanted, expected, and needed from Thicke, without it being redundant or stale. Could have consisted of 14 tracks and still been fun. Definitely appreciated the ride. PUN INTENDED.
In sum, this album invokes 3 feelings:
1. Begin actual revolution ::readies kit:: complete with street marches, picket signs, dashikis and such
2. Grab the Sunday Times, a mimosa, and sit in bay window sunshine and be jazzy. JAZZY, NOT HIPSTER
3. Well…you know.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
New Song Smell(s): Jon B.; Raheem DeVaughn
One of my absolute favorites is not back. Jon B. has never really left. He’s actually been releasing material on a fairly consistent basis since Stronger Everyday. He’s readying for the release of his new album, Comfortable Swagg. When we spoke this summer,
Ms. Officer and the Jon B. Interview:
his 7th studio album was supposed to be released on his birthday, 11/11/11. Now it’s tentative release date is 2/14/12. Very appropriate for a man who could most certainly teach many of these savages out here about love through the very effective gift of song.
Last summer he released Body Language & it’s video as a feeler, and it was another track that did not get it’s just due. His lastest, Quality Time is a lesson. Male Nation, TAKE HEED
Since Jon is a family man, the focus will be more on, well, family. This is a beautiful example of WHAT GROWN MEN SHOULD BE CONCERNED WITH.
And Quality Time easily passes “The Test”.
Meanwhile, Raheem DeVaughn did something many folks in his tax bracket dare not do:
HE OCCUPIED DC. DeVaughn was arrested in the midst, waiting for Cornel West to speak refusing to leave the steps of the Supreme Court . Among other things about him, I find that very noble. [Insert segue here]. Now he’s remixed Wale’s Lotus Flower Bomb. I don’t care much for Wale. THERE. I SAID IT.
Download Lotus Flower Bomb (Remix) here
R&B, REJOICE. YOUR OPTIONS ARE NOW WIDER THAN JUSTIN BEIBER MINDLESS BEHAVIOR.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
New Vid: Robin Thicke- Love After War x Pretty Lil’ Heart Feat. Lil’ Wayne
Finally Thicke has returned w/ a new album. AND WHEN I GET IT HOME #SEEWHATIDIDTHERE
@ :01 Ooh big letters, tres Euro
@ :03 WOW I WAS RIGHT
@ :33 Scat.
@ :43 Love these two.
@ :56 Good grief Paula Patton is beautiful. Even in that wig. BUT IT WON’T LOOK THE SAME ON YOU NYC BIRDS. #BETTERNOTDOIT
@ 1:11 This is loveable
@ 1:16 I actually just finished doing that
@ 1:32 I sniff curtains too, Paula BUT I AM NOT ASHAMED
@ 2:07 Don’t believe we’ve ever seen a topless Robin Thicke. Admittedly, a little bird-chestier than expected.
@ 3:18 I like where this is going
@ 3:42 Just beautiful.
@ 3:51 Wait for it…
@ 4:15 Oh. thought something else was going to happen.
Amazing song, great vid. There’s a freshness to it that’s very much lacking in today’s music. [Insert young whipper snapper reference here].
But that is not all, world. I am also imprinting upon you Robin’s 2nd single, Pretty Lil’ Heart Featuring Lil’ Teeny Weezy F. Baby.
Download Robin Thicke- Pretty Lil’ Heart Feat. Lil Wayne here
Robin has a marvelous voice. Yet I wasn’t completely sold on him until Sex Therapy. It got to the point whee I needed to be weaned off of that album because I would not (could not?) leave it alone. Something tells me Love After War will have the same effect.
Easy Bart. Love After War is out December 6th.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Like this:
Hilarity Pt. 41- Elderly Fist Fight
The following is proof that when you initially get mad at someone, YOU SHOULD STAY MAD
Meet Angelo Mosca & Joe Kapp. The fossils were attending an alumni luncheon for the Canadian Football leauge, when the scuffle erupted. Kapp, 73, punched & Moasca, 74 after the host told him to extend an olive branch to his longtime rival.
The two haven’t stood each other since 1963, when Mosca made a controversial hit on Kapp’s teammate, Willie Flemming, that took him out of the game.
Good to know that people meaty sports bouts never really die.
Especially not in Canada.
Because they have universal health care.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Where The Hell Did Time Go Wednesdays- Missy Elliott
Missy Elliott is such a talent that you may consider this the first installment in her “WTHDTGW” feature.
Long acronymn, huh?
To be fair, this may be her song, but it’s not really her song. It’s one of those collaborations that featured every single popular rapper at the time, representing their respective rap crews, yet all in a show of rap solidarity instead of beef.
It gets muddled, Nas’s this verse is better than every other that verse, but one thing is for certain. This song encapsulates a certain time of year.
AND NOW WE’RE GONNA PARTY LIKE IT’S 1999.
@: 02 THESE OPENING CHORDS HAVE PUSHED A BUTTON
@: 10 Nas has looked like he was 17 up until about last week. Does this mean that (legal) females who got with him prior to this time have an underlying issue?
@: 22 What’s better than synchoronized ’90′s dancing in videos? With the exception of The Beyonce, Do they even do this anymore?
@:32 My QB PIECE MAKE Y’ALL [INSERT 6 LETTER ADJ. HERE, PLURALIZED] TUCK Y’ALL SH*T IN
@ :47 SING
@1:07 Ginuwine doesn’t readily come to mind, but I can see how that’s possible
@ 1:11 Pre-Superwoman Lil’ Mo’
@1 :17 Who doesn’t love Mary? Even though she’s not a “Hot Boy”?
@1:38 SANG
@ 2:09, Kind of know of Eve’s whereabouts, but not really. I also may or may not have been the only one who truly lovedwatched her show. Word is, she’s currently a member of an interracial relationship. [Insert banner wave here] BUT
HOW MANY HAVE REALLY FORGOTTEN ABOUT THE PAW PRINT TATTOOS?
Neither has Youtube.
@3:04 About here you should be expecting a very nasal “Ayo Mami what the deal…” That of course, would be the voice of Q-Tip, and I was never really aure why he wasn’t featured in the video, because his verse supports the back end of this song quite nicely.
@ 3:09 PROCLAIM
@4:25 I used to do that in the schoolyard when I was little.
Ah, don’t you miss real creativity?
COME BACK.
ALEC BALDWIN SUMMONS YOU.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
See & Be Seen: Keith Sweat’s “Til The Morning” Album Release
Right before the adults were released onto Thanksgiving break, Keith Sweat had a party. ‘Twas an album release for his newest effort, Til The Morning.
It was raining.
It was chilly.
I still attended.
I was easily the youngest one there.
By decades.
Upon scolding an old pal from the label releasing the record (E1 Music) that I was not to remain with the commoners, I ascended the stairs to VIP . The first person seen is the man of the hour, who inches toward me with a hug. Although he was not doing interviews, we stil spoke. I murmured, through a Cabernet induced haze:
Me: Hi Keith, you and I met at MSG (Madison Square Garden) earlier this year. I know you don’t remember.
KS: Hi baby, no, I don’t remember
Me: It’s ok. Congratulations anyway. Go perform.
KS: Thank you, well I’m glad to see you I’ll tear it down.
Here is Keith Sweat tearing it down:
Make It Last
How Deep Is Your Love
I Want Her
Notice the progression (regression?) of Keith’s clothing. Might I mention he started out with a full suit. INCLUDING A VEST.
At any rate, Til The Morning is the eleventh studio album from Mr. Sweat.
Download the lead single, Make You Say Ooh here.
Say what you want about his stripping, crooning, & begging, Keith Sweat is an OG. He does have timeless music. He does have a plethora of hits under his belts. He still has my heart vote.
Since I peered, through a Cabernet/Grey Goose induced haze by the time Keith & I had taken a picture, I’ll save me you the embarassment. This flick is from way fatter earlier this year during our initial encounter at Madison Square Garden.
(Photo courtesy Ronnie Wright)
I like the way it’s going down.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
New Vid: The Beyonce- Dance For You
Here we go again.
:06 Last time we heard sirens in a The Beyonce vid, it was during “Ring The Alarm”…and…WELL
@ :23 This entire thing is giving me Dick Tracy.
@ :56 Does my butt look like that when I sit down? #ProbablyNot
@ :59 This, I believe, is her signature dance. That cat thing.
@ 1:14 $20 says he takes it out mid-vid.
@ 1:24 Why is this enclosed office so windy? Is it the slow-moving fan?
@ 1:29 $20 says something else is poking besides his collar
@ 2:13 The Beyonce had a lot of pre-very-pregnant gyrating to do on film before she got very pregnant. These videos are akin to those Lil’ Wayne shot pre-incarceration. #Sohecouldbeoutwhilehewasin
@ 2:28 GET READY TO PAY UP
@ 2:47 How much of this moment is he savoring in his mouth right now?
@ 3:09 WE JUST SAW THIS IN THE “BEGO” VID
@ 3:17 Ok, so, now the wind makes sense.
@ 4:07 How many gay-guy-who-thinks-they-can-do-this-better-than-The-Beyonce-parodies will this spawn?
@ 4:46 This man is one of the only men to ever be looked at through The Beyonce’s legs.
@ 4:48 Hahahahah he’s clutching himself
@ 5:05 Ok, so, kind of wanted them to have at least a little sex on camera.
DAMN YO U ARTISTIC CREATIVITY.
This was hot. Although I am not a smoker, The Beyonce just has that effect.
How many of you will now add this song to your respective “Strawberry Moonlight Candle Stargaze Panty” playlists?
Too many, I deduce.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Drake- Ism, “Take Care”- Ism
Aubrey Drake Graham exists as both an actor & rapper singer.
Mr. Graham needs to be very careful he doesn’t fall into “Ja Rule” territory, which he is hurdling towards with his latest effort, Take Care.
The “lonely-kind-of-singer-kind-of-rapper-entertainer-sitting-by-a-golden-bird-whilst-being-Jay-Z’s-unshaven-look-circa-6-months-ago” look is not really doing much for…anything outside of 1983.
I never bought the “Drake is a gangster because he chose to sign hang out with Young Money” image,
AND NEITHER SHOULD YOU
Care is in the title of his sophomore effort. HOW HARD IS THIS EXPECTED TO BE
Drake happens to be a walking dichotomy. Smart enough for the nerds/backpackers, [Insert 6 letter word, adj. here] ish enough for…everyone else.
Initially, I thought of writing a review upon first listen. Deciding that would have been premature & possibly unfair (although I have a very good sense for identifying hit songs, quality songs & plain sh*t) I marinated. I’ve lived with this Take Care album for a week now, it’s time I shared the in-depth breakdown.
1. Over My Dead Body- Boring. In one instance I fell asleep. So it doubles as a lullaby.
2. Shot For Me-
3. Headlines –
4. Crew Love Feat. The Weekend- 1st good song we come across. Best of all, The Weekend does the singing here. Also, The Weekend may or may not sound like The Dream. Perhaps it’s their affinity for articles.
5. Take Care Feat. Rihanna- Just…waterboard me. This will be a sickening crossover hit– everyone loves Drake, everyone loves Rihanna. Put them over a fart (which this song makes me want to do) and it will be a smash. Call it the Jay-Z effect.
6. Marvin’s Room- Spawned too many spawns this summer. We’ve all drunk dialed. We’ve all been 2am mad. Drizzy accurately captures this while caressing his own scruffy chin.
7. Buried Alive (Interlude) Feat. Kendrick Lamar- Kendrick Lamar is getting much of the same type of buzz Drake was 2 years ago (as he likes to remind us). Drizzy gets kind of morbid not only on this track -but the whole album- which is weird. What is he talking about? Why is he so upset at his success? ISN’T THIS WHAT YOU WANTED
8. Underground Kings- Love this. Particularly it’s ’90s rap sound. These types of records are why we love Drake in the first place. Well done, Noah ”40″ Shebib & T-Minus. Sometimes I need that romance, sometimes I need to pole dance.
9. We’ll Be Fine (Feat. Birdman)- Would’ve been fine sans Birdman.
10. Make Me Proud (Feat. Nicki Minaj)- This duet does little to quell my feelings they’ll both be donned in pink for the vid. Admittedly, I like it–this too (is currently) a big record.
11. Lord Knows Feat. Rick Ross- Here is the standalone “street cred” song on Take Care. Personally, not crazy about it. However, production by Just Blaze & Rawse’s sheep will propel this– at least on late night radio.
12. Cameras Feat. Jon B./Good Ones Go (Interlude)- Easily my favorite track. Impressed is an understatement when it comes to how I feel about him even knowing Jon B.’s Calling On You. Lends to the theory of Drake-ism. Can’t be a gangster listening to Pleasures You Like. Original:
This, ladies and gentlemen, is partially how underrated artists get their due– rediscovery. So, not so bad after all. Jon is an amazing artist, one of my absolute favorites. Click here for the interview I did with Jon B. this summer.
The interlude is a killer.
13. Doing It Wrong (Feat. Stevie Wonder)- What was that? Would you like some more WHINE with that cheese? BUT OF COURSE. THIS TRACK’S ONLY SAVING GRACE IS STEVIE WONDER’S HARMONICA
14. The Real Her (Feat. Andre 3000 and Lil’ Wayne)- Aside from the fact you can barely differentiate Wayne’s voice from Drake’s, it’s pretty cool. Andre 3000 always elevates anything he’s on. #SEEWHATIDIDTHERE #ELEVATORS
15. Look What You’ve Done- Best song on the album. About his mother, uncle & grandmother. Well done.
16. HYFR Feat. Lil Wayne- “Hell Yeah, F*cking Right” should not follow Look What You’ve Done. What is the connection here? Again, lost in the Drayne voice matrix. And it sucks.
17. Practice- We’ve heard this before, circa 12 years ago. With a few more gold teeth, and Mweaves (Man weaves) sprinkled in between.
Practice raises a different question. WHERE’S MANNIE FRESH
18. The Ride Feat. The Weekend- Meh.
Bonuses
Hate Sleeping Alone- Not deplorable. Could’ve replaced one of the 1st 3 songs. Or all of them.
The Motto Feat. Lil’ Wayne & Tyga- The only dance-able cut was relegated to an afterthought. Why is this a bonus & that atrocity HYFR gets to have an album cut? WHO MADE THIS DECISION
Miscellaneous Notes:
- Noticeably, his voice (not style) sounds a lot like Lil’ Wayne. Doesn’t help half of this album consists of his rhymes too.
- He didn’t “Baaaaaaawwww” that much this go around, which is kind of disappointing.
- WHO ARE THESE GIRLS HE KEEPS MESSING WITH
Now that you have been saturated with more references to “OVO” & “XO” than you care to count, do yourself a favor.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Like this:
Where The Hell Did Time Go Wednesdays- Heavy D
Eulogizing is NEVER the way I ever wanted to introduce a Heavy D song.
Yesterday afternoon, Dwight Arrington Meyers passed away in L.A. of an apparent heart attack.
Let’s take this time to appreciate the music he’s given us, shaping much of ’90s Rap, New Jack Swing, R&B, & Reggae:
@ :05 This already looked fun
@ :07 Is that Talent? ‘TIS
@ :19 Is that Cynthia Bailey? ‘TIS
@ :20 Look at how pretty they are. Don’t see that complexion in videos or on TV unless it’s a male nowaydays…
@:28 CHRIS TUCKER YOU WERE SKINNY
@:33 THAT HOOP EARRING IS TALKING TO ME BRO
@ 1:05 ::GOING SUPER HARD RIGHT NOW:: #PardonMe
@ 2:17 Everyone’s dressed. Point still taken that they’re partying.
@ 2:25 Shemarried had Diddy’s children, no? #KimPorter”Modelling”Sighting
@ 2:40 This Negro looked an awful lot like Bobby Brown. WONDER IF HE KNOWS
@ 2:47 NO CURRENT RAPPER COULD DACNE LIKE THAT NOW. NONE
@4:30 Classily put. Almost agree with that plan because of it’s delivery.
Interlude: Download DJ Wonder’s Heavy D Tribute Mix Here:
http://djwonder.com/2011/11/09/wonder-mix-11-9-11-rip-heavy-d/
This too, is a classic:
@ :10 I, too, now need a skirt made out of CDs.
@ 1:10 Hello Al B. Sure! ‘s UNIBROW
@ 2:43 Want that outfit too.
@ 2:55 TWINKLETOES
@ 3:45 Hay look, an entire rap song where, in regards to women, I wasn’t:
-Disrespected
-Disgarded because of complexion
-Directed to a pole
This was awesome. Did I mention Heavy is Jamaican? Like from Jamaica?
That, indeed was a standalone point.
No one can forget this:
He was so influential, so innovative. You cannot have a viable Hip Hop conversation without mentioning this man. Though it seems is trite & overused to say that today’s music sucks in comparison, it’s not entirely false. The spirit, passion, and substance is lacking. It’s terribly sad when this happens, because this art then truly becomes history.
YOUNG MONEY, MMG , AND WHOMEVER ELSE IS OUT NOW, FALL IN LINE.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Missed Connections-Ism
Nation, it’s been exactly two weeks since I laid eyes the most beautiful actual man I HAVE EVAR SEEN. EVAR.
One of the most startling things about this encounter, was that it never really was.
Or was it?
Was Fuzzy Wuzzy Fuzzy?
I digress. I was waiting for the 2 at Church Avenue in Brooklyn,
when I looked to my right (actual view) & I immediately locked eyes [Insert comment about cliche here] with the only person I saw in that sh*ttily crowded station.
Sexy Mc Sex-Sex was 6’3-6’4, (Men that tall automatically make me want to have intercourse) late 20′s/(very) early 30′s, Not skinny, not fat, juuust right. Fit, blue eyes, perfectly toussled blonde hair.
Sexy Mc Sex-Sex was accompanied by an older gentleman, small amounts of gray hair salted in between is mostly pepper strands. He somewhat looked like my dreamguy but not really, leading me to believe this was his father uncle. The man also had a pot belly. Not like a big pot, but like a little one you’d use to boil water. Or porridge.
The older man was holding a map of NYC. Which leads me to believe at least 1 of the two was visiting.
Let’s be clear: Church Ave. is nowhere near Downtown Brooklyn, Park Slope, Fort Greene, or any other heavily gentrified tourist-y area. Instead, it’s like getting off at Port-Au-Prince. This gives me small hope that Mr. Flawless lives has some sort of business in the neighborhood.
Which leads me to my next point.
Craigslist is typically a place where people go to die, or at the very least, find out who (else) wants to touch their penis for the night. This all occurs anonymously, until, of course Cookies & Chris Hansen track you back. The Chester Child Molester site interface does not help the site’s cause or credibility.
You may think I’m being hard on the cyber savage breeding ground, but that’s only because I had a terrible experience with an apartment there a couple of years ago.
That said, it’s only natural I take to Craigslist to see if I’d snagged a “Missed Connection”.
Naturally this would present the following dichotomy:
A. Sh*t, this dude is a creep, because he knew about this torrid place
[Aside: Might I digress that I found out about "Missed Connections" is a recent issue of Cosmo Magaizne. I hold a subscription]
B. OMG, he. Is. Like, SO THOUGHTFUL, HE WANTED ME BACK
After we reckless eyeballed each other recklessly on the platform, we did the same going onto the train. He came up right behind me, the older gentleman forcing his way ahead, but Sexy Mc Sex-Sex, hung back so I could board first. LIKE A LADY SHOULD. Here we looked directly into one another’s faces. I semi smiled. At least I think I did.
DEAR GOODNESS WHY DID I NOT SAY ANYTHING
I sit, they sit. Realizing I cannot continue my eyeballing, I pretend to need the subway map to reclaim my optimal view. In 15 minutes I got off, they stayed on. Haven’t seen ‘em since.
For some reason I’ve tossed and turned all of this week over it, and have been checking that wretched site for a tiny sliver that I might redeem myself. Get that future argument where I yell at him for sneaking onions into my omlette. Or argue that LeBron’s hairline will be back before this NBA season.
I’d hoped “Missed Connections” could be my ticket to sexcellence, but, to no avail. At least not yet. I’ll consider this a personal ABP.
For some reason I’ve tossed and turned all of this week over it. So on the off chance that any of you will know who this is, MAKE HIM SEEN.
I look forward to our Jew-froed children.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
Hilarity Pt. 40- Iranian Ass Grab
American male athletes love each other’s asses. They demonstrate just how much in every major U.S. sport:
Doesn’t look like A-Rod is falling from the precipice of anything, but it does seem he prefers to be firmly entranced guided by Derek Jeter’s butt.
In Rodriguez’s defense, IT IS A SUPERBLY HYPNOTIZING ASS.
Sheffield may or may not agree.
We all know Shaq is into this:
…Then there’s the NFL…
implementing the “grab and plow”.
Yet all of this somehow pales in comparison to an Iranian soccer team’s celebration of a win:
@ :14 #6′s hand almost fully disappears into #13′s ass. #13, realizing the foreign object, sweeps his teammate’s hand away.
This replays in every kind of “mo” (pun intended) throughout the remainder of the video.
Perspolis players Mohammad Norsati and Sheys Rezaei have not only been fined $40,000, but suspended from the league.
That’s exactly what an on-feild colonoscopy gets you.
And nighttime visits from Kobe.
Love,
*Ms. Officer
